Fire's burning out...just smoldering

[blindsided1]

Storm - I KNOW the next chapter will be easier AND better. I can feel it in my bones. I am not afraid of what will come my way. I feel more confident these days than I have even before I met my H. I am ready to move on to a new career and not be afraid that I won't make it. I am ready to, hopefully, find someone to share my life with. But, this time...NOT settle. I was thinking the other day...how, I used to settle for people that I KNEW were not everything I needed. Usually, they were "the bad boys" because they were "exciting" and kept me interested in them. Now, I know that even though they keep me interested, for a while, the bad boys become "not so bad" anymore, and then they often F up...big time. Hence, my husband, Steven....he was a "bad boy". He kept me interested and attracted to him because he was so persistant and determined to get me and spontaneous and youthful and unpredictable. Then we settled into our life. He wasn't boring. But, he wasn't exciting anymore. And, I was fine with that. But, the same things that attracted me to him are the same things that destroyed us...bad boy, determined to get "what HE wants", immature, and unreliable. Same qualities..different words. Now, I feel strong enough to pass that up and find someone that is dependable, believes in committment, treats me well, treats others well, responsible, grown up as well as youthful, spontaneous and goal oriented and STILL be exciting. I know he's out there. I know it. I feel it.

FG - love you so much for everything. Truly, I do. You have been my 2 X 4 and one of the few that really make me "think" about what I am doing and what I NEED to do.

I know the detaching is good for me. It feels good. I don't dwell as much on the sitch. When I am not faced with him or his calls or questions...especially about when I am going to finalize the divorce...that's when I can think of other things. The biggest obstacle I am still having is not snooping at their life from time to time. I'm intelligent enough to know that it accomplishes nothing other than to upset me at times. I don't know what I am looking for. Yes, I do. I am looking for some sign of discontentment in their lives. Why? I guess I want to be vindicated. But, it won't change anything. My family is broken. I am divorced. My husband cheated on me, left me pregnant, doesn't support his daughter and left me with the debt. But, guess what...I survived and I am surviving and I am stronger for it. My vidication comes by knowing that HE is still the SAME person. But, now, he can screw up HER life. Not mine, anymore. HE is HER anchor, her toxin, her downfall. I am free to be someone new and better. I am free to focus on myself and my daughter and our life. You talk about being careful about what I "see". That is the other issue. I am still having trouble using my own eyes. I waffle between being hurt by their "life" and KNOWING it isn't what it seems. I go back and forth, back and forth. I am sure that with time this will balance out and I won't even need to look at their life. That's when the forgiveness will most likely come. Because I won't care anymore.

As far as the letter is concerned...you are right...again. I don't need to write it out and rehash it. I've written it. I've thought about it, I've dreamt about it, I've dwelled on it. I looked at it, I learned from it. Now I need to let it go.

As far as accepting the divorce. I fought it...I did. I procrastinated and put it off. We went to court in April. I should have finished it by the end of that month. But, I found reasons not to do it. Last night. I picked up the paperwork and I thought...what am I waiting for? Really? Am I waiting for him to have an epiphany? To realize he made a mistake? To come home and stop it? Doesn't matter...he can't come home. I don't want him. Not the "him" he is today. I am not willing to open myself up to the possibility of him doing this again. His love is shallow and not worthy of mine, in return. So, I just decided to gett'er done. Get it over with. That way it isn't hanging over my head...ANYMORE.

I feel lighter.