Peace, thanks for your post and spelling out the steps. They hit home and are so true.
I had been DB'ing and doing well, obviously slipped off the bandwagon after being told he had a place ready to move to in August. I know it is naive but just find it incredible this has occurred with others. H thinking he can take a few things and go, no cares that I would be stuck with everything else! WOW!!! It is a complete disconnect with reality. H said he has divorce papers and would like us to complete together. I told him I was not ready for that step and H said it would be very difficult but really there is nothing left and would not be fair to me to just separate at this point. Too much had happened and it was time for him to go. H made me feel guilty that I may not go along and therefore causing us to waste more of our money. I told him spending money and dragging it out was not my intent; however, divorcing was not my intent either. Our marriage contract is important to me and I don't feel like filing for irreconcilable differences when he absolutely refused to even talk for a half hour on the telephone with me and a counselor. We have 20 years together most of them awesome and somehow that does not warrant any potential for putting any in effort or towards a goal of 20 more. I cannot wrap my head around this he can open the door walk out and never come back.
As for my sister-in-law, first and foremost I would consider her a friend and I do consider her opinion and concern for H as very important in this instance. I have spilled the beans to her and she is sad, but supportive. She told me to get my finances in order and to protect myself as she also believes H is not thinking rationally and that money could go quickly. If H leaves, he will leave his sister alone in the care of their mother and she will be abandoned also. She is H's oldest sibling and his only sister who basically took care of him and included him in her life growing up. So she is hurt and disappointed that H is close to walking away from everyone in his life, no care no responsibility or conscience.
I had told H that his sister and mother were very concerned about him and they had reached out to me to find out what was wrong and at this point I told him that I agreed with them I was very concerned with his mental state/depression also and he would need to tell them something soon because I was now stuck in the middle. H said he supposed he had to do something soon. Absolutely no concern the added layer of stress this puts on me. H actually said I am sure there is nothing more than both yourself and my sister would like to do than put a butterfly net over my head. I did not respond, because whatever I say is wrong or doesn't matter.
I freely admit I am still in shock and hoping this is just a dream, but reading these posts it clearly is not and there is a super long road ahead. I don't know right now what tact I am going to take. I have been DB'ing and the positive I get from this is taking care of ourselves first. You have got to, you have got to protect yourself and you have got to work on a life for yourself because the life of being with an MLC'er is not reality. We deserve to live in reality and to understand none of this is our fault and we basically are at the mercy of whatever is happening in any given stage how they handle it and proceed. The DB'ing worked somewhat I put my best face forward, no R talk, trying to do things for me; however, right now I feel there are things I need to tell H and this does involve R talk. These are things he may not listen to now, but maybe they will sink in later. H loves to say he is crazy, insane; but of course, this is for him being a wild man, living life, etc.
I also cannot put the cat in the bag because his sister knows and she has volunteered to speak with him out of concern for their mother and to also tell him she is concerned about me. She would offer H help or to let him speak, she of course, would not bias the conversation with telling him she knows she understands this would be destructive and send him into thinking everyone is against him. She understands that his renting a place, scheduling a vasectomy, speaking with an attorney, etc. are all signs of putting things in order to leave. I feel grateful but also sad to say these things about someone we both love and care for deeply.
H continually tells me what will be best for me and I've told him he has no right to feel for me or tell me what is best. In fact, when he leaves I will be in a job that requires two people and he feels our boss will simply keep me on and just find someone else to fill his position, no problem. I can just stay here with everything from our life together left here and just continue on and no doubt my life will just be a happy ray of sunshine in short order and will be so glad we divorced. I told H that it seems like everything for me just stays the same I am just taking an eraser and erasing him out of the picture. I told H I don't want to stay working here so everybody (there would be a large amount of people) who would wonder what happened, where H had gone, etc. I cannot get over there complete lack of empathy for what they are leaving behind.
H also says there is no OW, but there are friends he cares deeply about and find so fascinating. H did state though of course the potential of meeting other women and having sex was very appealing. He felt they were less judgmental, less puritanical and less likely to get involved in possessive relationships.
Today I plan to get copies of all my finances and possibly contact an attorney in the next two days so I know my rights. I've also thought about filing for divorce myself because I don't want to aid and abet anymore of his twisted logic.
I would welcome comments/thoughts on how you have proceeded and handled yourselves or steps you've taken at this stage in the game.
I certainly love H will all my heart and feel awful for what must be going through his mind, but feeling so frustrated and unsure of how to handle myself next.
THANK YOU & HUGS TO ALL, Michele
M 42 H 41 M 1993 No kids Bomb dropped 5/16/09, H says he has divorce papers
