Waiting More Than a Dozen Years

[Bagheera]

Thanks for the reply, Earl -- it takes courage to face your own shortcomings and demons, even on an annonymous bulletin board. I have a couple of points to bring up with you today, while you're mulling this Nice Guy Syndrome stuff over.

Firstly, there is nothing wrong with be "nice" per se: we aren't saying that you should now become a jerk or an ass. The problem lies in the fact that Nice Guys are "nice" for the wrong reasons...reasons that shoot them in the foot time and time again. Nice Guys are "nice" in order to gain the approval and validation of others, rather than seeking approval and validation within themselves. Nice Guys do things for other people with an unspoken, 'covert contract' in mind: they feel that by doing things for others, those others are then "obligated" to return the favor and do something for the Nice Guy. Invariably, those others often fail to deliver on their end of this unspoken bargain, and the Nice Guy ends up angry and frustrated. Nonetheless, the usual reaction to this outcome is for the Nice Guy to do *more of the same* -- continue to serve that other person, perhaps even step it up a notch -- and somehow hope for a different result....and he ends up even more angry and frustrated.

Thus, an important part of the growth process away from being a Nice Guy, is to (a) stop seeking the approval of others, to become a self-confident and self-contained man, and (b) to learn how to GIVE to others without expectation and without unspoken contracts...to take responsibility for your own happiness back into your own masculine hands, and to stop handing that responsibility over to others (who will invariably let you down).

Seocndly, this is a forum for those struggling with a Sex-Starved Marriage, and you came here seeking advice about the total lack of a sexual relationship within your marriage. So what's with all of this Nice Guy stuff instead? There IS a solid connection here, and it boils down to this: women are sexually atttracted to masculinity in the same way that men are attracted to femininity --> and Nice Guys are decidedly UN-masculine and therfore NOT sexually attractive. Have you ever watched a female friend of yours, whom you were interested in but who showed no interest in you beyond platonic friendship, go weak at the knees and fall for some cocky "Bad Boy," who you *knew* was a jerk and who would treat her badly? And afterwards, when she got her heart broken, she'd come cry on your shoulder until the next Bad Boy caught her eye? And meanwhile, you're left sitting there wondering "Why not ME?! I'd treat you like a queen!" The truth is: the man the feminists cried out for on paper for the last 50+ years is not a man they would actually want to sleep with --> he's nice, sensitive, and caring, but he isn't a MAN...he isn't SEXY.

Thanks to the feminist movement and the shift in the marriage paradyne away from the strong man as Head of Household and towards more egalitarian, androgenous couples, women these days often feel like they are stuck between a rock and a hard place when it comes to men. On the one hand, they can choose a Bad Boy, who has a great deal of attractive masculine-energy and is fantastic in bed, but who is, at the same time, an unreliable cad when it comes to fidelity, long-term relationships, and providing for a family. On the other hand, they can choose a Nice Guy, who lacks the masculine-energy and pure male sexiness of the Bad Boy, and who will therefore lead to a lifetime of lukewarm to crappy sex for her, but who will, at the same time, be extremely reliable, able to commit to the long haul, and be a good father and provider for a family. Most women end up having a few Bad Boy flings in their youth, sow their "wild oats," and eventually "settle" for a unsexy Nice Guy when they are ready to raise a family.

What we will be encouraging you to do here, Earl, is to work on and improve yourself to the point where you can adopt the *best* traits of each of these male archetypes --> to become the INTEGRATED MAN: full of self-confidence and self-generated masculine energy, and therefore sexy and attractive to women, while at the same time, continuing to be a reliable man of his word, a good father, provider, and *leader* of the family. The process or journey toward becoming an integrated man is long, and requires and investment of time and energy on your part, but it WELL worth the effort.

-- B.