"My detaching has gotten better now that he only sees our daughter every other week. I don't hear from him for two weeks at a time. And, I don't contact him...for anything...unless it was an emergency or something. I am not contacting him to make sure he is picking her up on Friday or when he will. He can come to me. I have made more than enough accomodations."
Even if you can't see it.. this is a good change for you. You have had periods where you have resembled this comment but this one seems heartfelt. Maybe we are onto something here. Like I used to say.. Time will tell.
"There are sooo many things that will always hurt me about this sitch. The way he acted and treated me...especially when I was pregnant and right after I gave birth. I hate him for leaving me to take care of it all...myself...the baby...everything with NO help from him. And, then to watch him be there for OW and her baby and see how much he is involved in his sons life...."
Again be careful of what you "see". I understand the hurt/pain that you have. Just in knowing that I can say that it will "color" what you "see". Just because he is involved now.. does not mean he always will be.
"I am finding it very hard to forgive those things."
The time will come. Trust me. I know that does not make it better now.
"Part of me want to write him a letter telling him exactly how I feel. But, the other part of me knows it wouldn't make a difference to him. So, maybe I'll write the letter to get it out of my system....and then burn it."
What would you possibly tell him.. that he does not already know? You have written many "letters" to him just by posting here. Has it helped? The times in which you have done the "best" as judged by me sitting at my computer.. is when you were not focusing on all the bad stuff. Like for example when you were "dating". Even if what you were doing was "wrong" something about it was "right". Take that thought and hone in on what will be healthy things for you to do that allow you to "grow".
"Well, it's done. I mailed H the final D paperwork and I am going to the courthouse to file the last bit. My D should be final in about 10 days. I don't feel horrible."
If I remember correctly.. you used to tell me that you could never do this. Things change.. don't they. At the very least.. it is the first choice you have made for you and yours. You are protecting what you have. By not feeling horrible you imply that you are at the very least "accepting". Again.. for you "babysteps". Look at the road you have had to walk to get here. Is there really much that is going to trip you up anymore?
Keep your head up.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
