I wonder Stormrider, if at least some of your situation is got to do with control? You seem like a really in charge, decisive person. Maybe a lot of your H`s trouble is feeling less in control himself?and with his overspending, apparent MLC behaviour and 180s he`s trying to assert himself? Maybe it would be a 180 for you not to try to control the separation either-let him do the deciding on whether you split or not.
I know the in limbo living together apart thing is difficult. I`m living it right now. But I wonder would actually splitting up make recovery of the M more difficult. You`ve made lots of changes already,sounds very like you`ve implemented the Last Resort Technique.
I would keep barreling on with preparation for the separation of course-which includes developing a network of friends as support for you, as well as sorting the financial side of things.All of this will serve you well anyhow if your M continues.
Maybe a lot of your H's trouble is feeling less in control himself? And with his overspending, apparent MLC behaviour and 180s he's trying to assert himself?
Fallgirl's got a pretty keen eye, at least in terms of questions, Stormrider. While clearly not to the level of your H, I can relate to this interpretation. I was sort of that "not in control so I'll act out" mode in my M -- though I wasn't the Walkaway, either.
Now it's clearly the case that it takes two to tango -- one has to exert control, the other has to submit to being controlled -- but these things often evolve over time. In my M the load was much more equitably distributed at the start, but over time WAW didn't like "the way" I did this or that and, after getting enough push-back from her I'd just say, "Well, fine, f*ck it -- you do it."
But after 10, then 12, then 18 years -- she got tired of it, even though she'd "wanted it" in the first place.
So it certainly bears thinking about.
Quote:
Maybe it would be a 180 for you not to try to control the separation either-let him do the deciding on whether you split or not.
This can smack of control, though, too -- "go ahead, I dare ya." This one's a bit more tenuous, from my POV.
Quote:
I know the in limbo living together apart thing is difficult. I`m living it right now. But I wonder would actually splitting up make recovery of the M more difficult.
You'll see a lot -- lot -- of discussion of this around here, most extensively on the threads of @Thinker and @orangedog (male), and @aliveandkicking and @mindblank (female).
I did the in-house separation for 4.5 months -- until last Friday -- so I understand the challenges. I'm not sure about whether separation -- physical separation -- makes recovery "easier" or "more difficult." WAW seems to think it *could* make it easier. Keep watching my space and I'll let you know!
Yep a large part of our sitch is about control. All his life H has not had to plan for the future, he has never had a job interview, always had people he used to work with come up with great job offers, etc. He grew up in a house with essentially a single mum and a couple of realy strong women who always are quick to suggest what to do. When he wants to, he is great at control, I just hope he finds a middle ground now he wants to run with his life.
I think its a good thing, and part of my shut up strategy has been to let him make these decesions. I really don't mind that, I just want someone to be in the drivers seat, not no one.
My separated in same house thing has been going on for a year(with a five week reprieve around Sept).I`ve made progress but only in the past eight weeks. LRT and a therapist have both helped hugely to bring that about.
I prefer not to do regrets but would just like to advise anyone in this situation to find a good therapist asap(wish I`d gone to mine much sooner).If you`re not happy with your therapist keep searching!You don`t need someone just to listen to you(though that`s good too) you need someone who`ll challenge you on your role in the M breakdown enough so you can truly change.
And LRT is such a damn useful tool for changing. You`ve gotta have that.
Yes, Stormrider, my H`s mother made all the decisions for him too, as you`ll have seen in my thread) But I`ve just learnt that I`m like my Dad-controlling and bullying(though he is a dear man too; this is not about blame)
Its easy to see where our spouses are going wrong. Easy to be angry and claw out in the whirl of fear and threats.That`s why I think sitting calmly and still within the storm will give you time to settle your thoughts, time to see your role in things and your H time to see you`ve changed.
Living in limbo without lovingly detaching though is a very different place. LRT keep you away from the Crazy Dance.
Good luck with your move! Have to go find your thread and will be watching your space to see how S helps you along.
I am convinced that even though we`re engaging in DB techniques here we may not ultimately divorce bust but we will find the best outcome for us and our families
With the control thing me being pregnant in the last couple of years probably tipped it over into an unfair realm for him. That zone finished at the start of last year for me, I actually said to him then, thanks for all your support, your term to take some time, not quite expecting this!!
The reason I picked up the ball with the separation is that it was walking like a duck and talking like a duck so I thought duck it, I am calling this a spade. H had said he wanted to move out, couldn't be in the house with me for any further length of time or he would hate me (after a good week together), wanted separate finances, so I said well we will need to formalise the finances. None of this was said in anger, which made me think it was serious, he said his head was clear and he was serious he wanted out of our marriage. I wanted him to understand the seriousness of what he was suggesting and mirror it back.
Next week he thought maybe he could live with me quite ok for a few months, so I should have let the above comments through to the keeper. Since then we have begun to sell stuff off which will be slow, agreed terms about kids around the kithcen table, etc but neither has engaged lawyers yet (I have names just if I need to move quick).
One thing to our advantage of still living together is that he travel quite a bit for work, so I think his time out of the house lets the pressure unwind between us. Puppy dog tails got me going back over the last 6 months of his mobile records (they come to me and he hates computers and goes for days without using them) and the person he called the most (50% of calls) and spoke to the longest by far (15min, all other calls about 2 min) was me. Anyway, while my eyes are still open this and the improvement in our home conditions over recent weeks means I feel I could stay and at this stage it would help.
I think me biggest current problem is that each time I have seen him move through a stage it was due to a big jolt (accident ended party time, me mentioning separation meant much more at ease and our friendship seems to be a couple of notches better). I feel like he needs jolts to keep moving through, he will be stuck if he doesn't. I am not sure what sort of jolts will do this, wither for me to look out and see them coming or to perhaps try to work towards when the time is right.
At the moment I am just trying to keep building the friendship back up and are happy to let him run with all the other stuff.
Thanks for dropping by, I have read all those threads and will keep looking
One thing to our advantage of still living together is that he travel quite a bit for work, so I think his time out of the house lets the pressure unwind between us.
Yes, that can be really helpful. BUT -- be sure YOU get some time out of the house as well.
Yeah, I had a childhood where I had no control at all, so swung the other way for quite a while. Oddly enough, while being a SAHM one of my goals was to work on all those sorts of faults, and I had changed my headspace quite a bit, but H had stopped looking at me.
I have an IC who I worked with for a few months before I got married. I wanted to minimise my childhood issues, and she helped me work out how to just let things go. I will keep working with her.
I`m looking back at stuff I posted here last summer and honestly I wish I`d known then what I know now. Things got soooo much worse after that. I was so angry and spitting out at H in all sorts of ways, just trying to claw his eyeballs out.
Oh and trying to separate too.
Wish I`d looked at the mote in my own eye then. I mean really looked. Friends and family will support you and are necessary but only a really good therapist will listen and point to ways you should change.
LRT and GAL have a huge place in this. Stop looking at your H, don`t feel you have to jolt him just work on you so he`ll be drawn to being your friend.
You`ve had huge changes in your life over the past couple of years. Kids aren`t a business that can be picked up and dropped they`re a 24/7 drain on everything in you!(Yes,love `em to bits but they can drive me crazy too!)You`ve had to drop your career for them, possibly a network of family friends, you`re a sahm maybe in need of adults to talk to. Maybe its you thats in MLC mode?Maybe your not the girl your H married. Maybe you`ve put the kids before him.
Just suggestions SR. I`m wearing the BTDT T shirt. In fact I`ve several of them. Including the t-shirt that`s pointing the finger at me for being SO MUCH to blame for our M breaking down. Just want to save you wearing that one!
Yeah, you are right about turning the focus back on me. I think in any relationship each partner contributes 50% to the situation. I know H has being trying enormously to hold himself together in the last 12 months too, even though it doesn't look like it to me.
When we first hooked up, it was not uncommon for me to call him from several countries in one week for work, or dashing off on various adventures with time in lieu. I had a really interesting and indepentant life.
I fully accept that for a couple of years I was a boring very sleep deprived exhusted hormonal cow in survival mode who even I would not want to live with. I knew when I stopped work that I was a prime target for post natal depression, similar to MLC, so quickly built up a new network in this town (I have moved interstate a few times so knew what to do), and decided to focus on spiritual aspects on my life etc for a couple of years until the kids were bigger so I could get up and running again in extreme sports etc. But this stuff, although keeping me going ok, made for boring conversation. And I did get in the habit of answering how are you? from H with complaints about domestic life, something I have stopped for several months.
My plan before H hit me with the bomb in March this year was to rest in the second half of last year, regain strength, and make this the year I got my own life back, and we focussed on us. I have had anger at events H has done, but mostly frustration that I feel he took a snapshot at me at my worst, imposed it over the good stuff and had enough (poor me!). I had told him around October last year I was going for a whole new me. I do understand all he heard were words and he had run out of energy but man, a couple of extra months would have been nice, or a warning earlier so I could have started earlier.
Having said that, we are where we are now, and I do feel that for the first time in probably 12 months he has turned back and is actally looking at me again right now. So that becomes even more pressure now! GAL with kids where I am living now is hard, I am social, having friends over for drinks tomorrow night, meet for coffee or lunch prob 3 times a week, but its pretty boring compared to my old life, even when relaying it in a fun way. However, I am enjoying the challenge of being Zen and the changes are being noticed a bit now, and that is where I feel I can do the most work right now, PMA. My IC agrees with that, I went to her with my plan kind of mapped up and she pretty much agreed with the basics so it gave me more confidence I was on the right track.
My two little kids have had mild fevers for a couple of days now, nothing serious but it would be nice to have a partner I didn't have to think twice before saying, you know what, yeah, tough day today. Onward drinks tomorrow night!!
