I`ve learnt a fe things from therapy today. H is right.
I have no heart(when I get into my crazy accusing place. Must remember the Shut the F*** UP mantra!) I am as ambivalent as he is. It is as if, after 23 years of knowing each other that I am still undecided whether I want him or not. I have no clear goal with this. Linked to above;don`t know whether I really want to stay M or not. H is treating me badly and I`m falling for crumbs. But I`ve treated him badly too and done huge damage to our M.
LRT has put in a more tranquil place.I am much happier in myself and know I have learnt so much already from this time and that itis a very special journey for me. I can listen and validate much better now.
In going to the wedding alone H is presenting himself to his family as a separated person.Even after our long coversation(three hours, a first in our relationship history) he chose that night to be with his cousins-the ones he`s been with the night before. he didn`t ask me to join him)
But last night, the guest room(H`s bed) was taken as my niece is staying for a few days. H said he`s sleep on the floor but I said it was fine to sleep in my bed that I wouldn`t go near him.
But of course after months without, I gave into temptation. We both held back a lot from each other physically though and in the morning, when i asked H if he was ok and put my hand on his chest he barely acknowledged me.
But he`s being honest. I don`t know if I feel enough to commit to him either.
I do feel we`re not as tense in conversation.
I still don`t know where I am going with this.
I`m sticking to LRT and no R talk and being calm in myself. Oh, and GAL too.
