Newbie - first post and ?s

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Ashlee,

I'm sorry for your pain, and i'm sorry to hear about your brother-in-law.

Your husband is being selfish and an a-hole right now, pure and simple. And you DON'T deserve it. This is his choice, his journey, for smarter or for dumber.

Let him go (for now). Completely "drop the rope." He's not worth it, unless he changes. And you can't control him.

Hugs,

Puppy

[Faith2010]

I am locked in another room but H keeps coming here, knocking on the door, telling me to come to bed, to relax. I think H feels guilty because he knows he's the reason I'm upset.

I am completely drained and exhausted. I'm almost out of tears, thank God.

Thank you GIMA for being here. It is much appreciated.

[givingitmyall]

Ash,

I think Puppy (as usual) is right. Your H is acting like a jacka$$. And you can't do a thing to stop his behavior. What you can do is control how it affects you.

Let go, and work on you. It is not easy, at first. But you will gain peace by doing that. You will also give you H more to think about.

Oh, and no reason to thank me. We are all here to help each other.

[Faith2010]

Thank you for your kind words Puppy.

I think you may be right. I've been thinking along those lines tonight. I go from crying to pure rage when I think "H doesn't deserve me."

H came to the door a few minutes ago and asked if I was going to hurt him tonight. I don't know where he comes up with this stuff. I asked H if I had ever hurt him in the past. Response: no. I asked have I ever hurt ANYONE in my life. Response: no. So then I asked why would you think I would now? Response: I don't know, you're just so upset.

No sh!t sherlock!

[Gardener]

Sorry, Ash. Just got home and am catching up on a few threads before bed.

You got good advice and commiserating tonight. I second all of it and send you hugs for your hurting.

So you lost it. So what. If that a$$hole, insensitive behavior wouldn't make someone lose it, I don't know what would.

It's called DivorceBusting. Not Easy DivorceBusting, or Divorcebusting For Non-Humans. You're human. Go to sleep. Rest. You need it and deserve it.

My sitch does not involve an A, so I'm far from expert in these waters, but:
would "OW's name is not to be spoken in my presence" be an acceptable boundary to lay down?

[JackieH]

Ash--

You are going through one of the hardest things in life and it is compounded by H being taken over by an alien and you don't have him to lean on, which is what M is all about. Why they do this is hard to understand, but you have heard this many times, it is about him, not you. There is something missing internally within himself and until he finds it he is going to keep searching -- some men it is cars, toys, jobs, unfortunately his is an IA. I've seen it many times over the years here, the WAW finally comes to their senses and it is too late. Gardener is right, this is so far from easy, the emotions can take on ranges that one would not think even possible.

You are human. You are in a hard situation with the M and the death of BIL on top of that is makes it worse. You know what you can reasonably handle, if it is too much, get help, don't wait. Call me anytime, keep posting here. Come here this weekend, you can go to the funeral from here, don't be alone. Being with H is just like being alone, he isn't there for you, come be with people who love you, unconditionally.

XOXOXO

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Thank you for your kind words Puppy.

I think you may be right. I've been thinking along those lines tonight. I go from crying to pure rage when I think "H doesn't deserve me."

H came to the door a few minutes ago and asked if I was going to hurt him tonight. I don't know where he comes up with this stuff. I asked H if I had ever hurt him in the past. Response: no. I asked have I ever hurt ANYONE in my life. Response: no. So then I asked why would you think I would now? Response: I don't know, you're just so upset.

No sh!t sherlock!

"Gee, husband, I'm sorry that my response to your adultery is so unsettling to you. Sleep well; I'll be here, in the kitchen, next to the knives if you need me."

[mishka422]

"Gee, husband, I'm sorry that my response to your adultery is so unsettling to you. Sleep well; I'll be here, in the kitchen, next to the knives if you need me."

PRICELESS Puppy!

Ash...I'm going to hope you got some sleep last night despite H's insensitive A$$hole-ism. He is not worth destroying your health and mind for....trust me. He can only have as much power over your emotions as you give him, so decide not to give him any.

You grieve however you feel you need to. Your H doesn't have a feeling bone left in his body where you are concerned. He is only thinking of himself and OW. It's hard to hear, I know, even harder to accept. Honestly, the best thing you can do for yourself and your son right now is to completely detach from your H. Let him spin wildly out of control all on his own. He will you know. As soon as the fantasy he has been living in for so long comes crashing down around him and becomes the ugly reality of everyday living, he'll realize what he's done. Mine did.....far too late. The detachment will keep you and your son from being pulled down with him.

So, looking at the realities of what you are facing:

1)BIL's passing is unconditionally the first priority right now. Emotionally, you need to grieve, but try to compartmentalize the grief so it doesn't become intertwined with the pain from your M.

2)Living arrangements - unfortunately it's sounding more and more like he is going to force something here. I can't imagine that any man would kick his W and child to the curb, but he's going to make life miserable for you if you stay in the same house much longer. Do you have any options? Can you kick him out?

3)I'm not sure if I have read it here or not, do you work?

[JackieH]

Ash--

How is the day going? I think we should go over your options and what you can and can't do financially. I know it helped me when I had a plan in my head what I could and couldn't afford and what I would do to get by.

Is sharing a bedroom too much for you? Can you move the desk into the living room and make a bedroom for you? Even if you have to sleep on an air mattress would that be more comfortable than sharing space with him, somewhere that is your small retreat area?

Let him sleep alone and not have the comfort of you next to him. He can sleep with his cell phone.

Oh, if the chance comes up, I think you should quote Puppy to him. That would be priceless.

Jackie

[Faith2010]

"Gee, husband, I'm sorry that my response to your adultery is so unsettling to you. Sleep well; I'll be here, in the kitchen, next to the knives if you need me."

LMAO - This is my favorite quote to date Puppy.

Needless to say, I didn't sleep well last night. H wanted to snuggle, which I don't understand and didn't do. H also wanted to ML, which didn't happen. Each time I don't do what he wants, he gets in one of his moods. Too bad for him. I spent most of the day out. H asked me to go out to dinner, which I did. We talked about things a little. H doesn't know where he is in terms of our M. H tried to tell me not to refer to the b!tch in the way that I do (I call her b!tch, it, thing or f@cking b!tch). I told him he will never tell me what not to say when it comes to the b!tch as it is disrespectful to me and our M.

Go figure this one. H is cleaning my car (I did not ask him to). He comes in to tell me what SIL said regarding funeral arrangements (nothing confirmed) then says "so, am I moving out?" I said I don't know. H says "How much can we afford? We've got to afford at least $500 a month." I am almost at the end of my rope and ready to tell him to go, get the he!l out. H even asked me earlier today if I was going to start dating. I know it's a roller coaster ride. I just haven't recovered from yesterday yet. I'm not on top of my game. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be better off without him but other times I have anxiety attacks, like last night, just thinking about it.