Herself, however, did not take the bait. She replied to the reply, seriously, and seemingly intrigued by the fact that, in the midst of serious financial challenges, Mr. and Mrs. MHSF are "pulling together in the stress" which, WAW concludes, "is an endorsement" of the program.
Hahaha Ummmm Myself I adore the words of SP, and truly appreciate the wit, humor, and style delivered. We'd have a heck of a banter in RL. I just can't do justice (writing) like you do...
I think a very SP like deliverance of something similar to...
"So, Mrs. SP, when are we going? Love SP PS: Don't forget to pack lingerie."
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I had written quite the flowing missive about the note. Waited. Looked at it. Tried to figure if I was doing too much of a Pollyanna spin. Then deleted it all and left hugs.
What do I think? Well.. first of all, sometimes I'm afraid I'm a cranky ole angry woman rattling off the same doom and gloom, twirling 2x4's where ever I go. That's on my bad days and I try to stay away from the boards.
It reminds me of a 'note' I recently received from a younger Brazilian man who was putting down additional wood flooring in my bedroom. I'm pretty sociable so I'm laughing and talking.. being friendly but not flirting. At one point he said I should go out, date.. "oh no no.. not me!" was my eeking reply. "Why.. you are so young and beautiful!" Huh? And just how old do you think I am? With those Latin eyes he perused me and pondered before making a judgment, "42"... I was stupefied.. since I'm just over a decade older. I enjoyed the compliment and let it go at that.
When his work was done, I stayed out of my room for a day or so to avoid the fumes. When I did go back in on the drop cloth over the sink was a note.. "I Love You".
What the...? It rattled me.. but at the same time was a little creepy. I figured maybe an "I love you" meant "you're a great person" since English is his second language (learned by ear). I kept the note around for a day or so, face down and eventually threw it away.
Your note, my note... just words on a piece of paper. Words that were left for you/me to find and decipher... then deal with the emotions.. the 'ball in my court'.
So.. though it has pretty words that may express hope or blame.. it's a piece of paper. I tossed mine not wanting to walk in that minefield.
She wrote it to feel better about herself. The fact she expressed something may indicate a teenie tiny seed is starting to take root. This is her chimichanga. The FYI email about Retrouvaille.. was your wife endorsing it? This is her learning to walk.. because you're not rescuing.
Let her come to you, take the initiative. She knows where to find you.
Tell me when to make a banner that says, "I'm going to Retrouvaille!"
Well.. first of all, sometimes I'm afraid I'm a cranky ole angry woman rattling off the same doom and gloom, twirling 2x4's where ever I go. That's on my bad days and I try to stay away from the boards.
"I don't know how this happened, and it really doesn't matter now." Like hell it doesn't matter. Seems to me, if you're going to bust up a family, it would matter to you how things came about.
"too far down this dark path" Woe is me. And by the way, she's wrong.
"If I had looked into the future and seen this ending for us" She did. She looked in the future and planned this exactly...without fighting like hell to "prevent" it.
Truth be told, I had actually thought of including these points -- though not quite so baldly, perhaps -- in my response. Especially the "too far down this dark path" business.
The thing about dark paths? They're dark. You don't know what's at the end of 'em.
Well.. first of all, sometimes I'm afraid I'm a cranky ole angry woman rattling off the same doom and gloom, twirling 2x4's where ever I go. That's on my bad days and I try to stay away from the boards.
Oh, so that's what I should be doing.
And, Gypsy, you do it so well...
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
She replied to the reply, seriously, and seemingly intrigued by the fact that, in the midst of serious financial challenges, Mr. and Mrs. MHSF are "pulling together in the stress" which, WAW concludes, "is an endorsement" of the program.
Hmmmmmm.
Hmmmmm indeed!
Her note and her interest Retrouvaille are polar opposites and my Orange brain would say the latter trumps. Why would she care at all about Retrouvaille if she were done?
How often do marriages fail because the relationship is bad vs because either side has given up on the hope to fix it?
Currently in my Orange sitch, it seems time to get something out there along the lines, "if you ever want to do the work to fix the R then there are tools and people who can help." She need to know there's hope.
During our lunch, W asked me "How is WomanFriend?" in somewhat sarcastic voice (she thinks we've got something). She knows WomanFriend was having marriage troubles and facing some of the same issues we were. I told her I gave WomanFriend a good db pep talk, some books, and told her don't give up. She spent a vacation having some tough talks with H but things were beginning to turn around. They said ILY's and left the vacation happy. Wife was impressed. The implied answer was, "They can do it and we can too."
I don't know how to respond to that note (I'll leave that to Coach, Gypsy, et al) but it seems there's something in that Retrou email that deserves attention. Hope.
Last edited by orangedog; 06/30/0906:27 PM.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
SP, I would suggest you put the note back on the desk, or just leave it in a drawer...or wherever it sits now...
Some of the best advice I ever received from my T regarding any notes/email/written communications from my STBX was couched in a simple test: Is she asking you any questions? If she's not then there's no need to respond.
Of course, there are times when even a note without questions merits a response - as in matters concerning the children - but this note, her words, were not for you to puzzle and solve...they were for her to put to word something that troubled her....and let it stop there.
Mind reading seldom works, and note reading hardly seems to offer more promise of understanding.
If Retrouvaille is a possibility...I think it would be best to leave that up to her...and to continue doing what you have to do for you and your kids. Keep the focus on you - doing so reduces the number of variables you have to contend with every day - and also lessens the impact of dealing with someone that is in a state of constant flux - and inevitable inconsistency.
While you may have to live with the contradictions and inconsistencies that have been forced upon you by your sitch...she has to make her own decisions about what comes next...That said, one thing that does come through the note is that she's not happy...and feels unsettled in herself...perhaps the trick then, is to love someone enough to give them the space to feel safe in that state of being unsettled - safe enough for them to make a journey of it - toward some kind of resolve (regardless of the outcome) - rather than have it become a permanent place of conflict (which is where my STBX seems to reside).
I've done nothing so far in terms of an "official" response. Wrote a long, @AlexEN-long, @Thinker-long ( ) set of "reflections" on her comments. And I tweak those from time-to-time. But it's all in the Draft folder of the e-mail account I use for Spam -- online newspaper registrations, etc. etc. -- so there's no danger of an inadvertent "send."
I have to say, after my initial resentment -- that's really what it was, not "anger" -- that she wrote me a note, presumably expecting me to read it, when she wouldn't extend the same courtesy to me, I was remarkably balanced about the whole thing. I called her out where I disagreed with her evaluations, expanded on areas of commonality and overlap where I did agree with her evaluations, and the like.
A good exercise for two reasons. One, it helped me clarify that it is ambiguity I am cultivating -- relishing, in fact -- in terms of "what's next" (ambiguity for me, mind you -- this isn't about her) and, two, it helped validate (for me) some of the new evaluations and ways-of-living that I've embarked upon. When I hear myself saying things, so to speak, and they come out without my thinking, "Hmm, what would Beattie/Schnarch/Davis/etc. say in this situation, what note do I recall taking?," then I'm pretty confident I'm internalizing and living and not just doing self-help-book monkey-see, monkey-do.
) set of "reflections" on her comments. And I tweak those from time-to-time. But it's all in the Draft folder of the e-mail account I use for Spam -- online newspaper registrations, etc. etc. -- so there's no danger of an inadvertent "send."