Still getting nowhere fast....

[lost-n-Iowa]

I took the advice that was given to me on this site, that if I allowed my H to come back that I needed to set boundries and stick to them. My boundry was that my H needed to tell the OW in front of me (either to her face on on the phone on speaker) that it was over between them and that he was wanting to make his marriage work and that she needed to stay out of out lives and not to have any contact with my H anymore. I thought the same thing that you are thinking too....that it will only push him towards her. I have learned 2 different things.....

1. Don't TELL him to do it, ask him to. My H seemed to waiver back and forth and never would do it, so I thought that meant that he was stringing her along too. In the end he finally told me that since I was telling him to do it then he just felt like doing the oppisite. Men must be wierd that way but I finally asked him.

2. When i finally asked him I did it like this, 'I would appreciate it if you would call the OW up and put her on speaker and tell her this (blah blah blah). If you are not willing to do this for me and our family and our marriage then I can not fully put my trust, respect, or faith in you and your commitment to our M. If you are not willing to do this then I believe that you have chossen her over our M and that we should proceed with the divorce.' I learned here how to stand up for what I believed in, felt strong about it, and laid my fellings out there about what I would not tolerate.

I was very worried that he would get mad at me, which he did. I was very worried that he would walk out the door and choose her over me, which he did. I was worried that he would not come back, which he did come back. And he called her in front of me and told her the things that I had said that I needed him to say to her so that we could continue to work on our M and move forward. IT WORKED!!! I feel great about it.

We have been to the MC twice now and have one more appointment before my H is to leave again and we have already set up the next one for when he isto come back. I think that we have been doing good except that we fell back into our old pattern when we got into an arguement yesterday and it rolled into today. i had found text messages fromt the OW about her wanting to talk to him and wanting to know what was going on and then the last one asked if he went back to me and if he did then he was stupid. I confronted him about it and it ended up that I that was suppose to be trusting him and that I went trough his phone and that I reallyw as not trying to work on our M if I was going to be doing that stuff. I had set the boundry when we first started talkign about getting back together and going to counceling and I never followed through with it. So I laid it on the line and kept saying the same thing. I finally said that if he woudl not do thins thenI was done. I would not try any more with him if he could not show me that he had ended it with her and that he was committed to makingour M work. Now that it has been done and I have heard it and told her myself that I appreciated that she talked to us about this and that I appreciated it if she would leave us alone so that we could work on our M and she said that she would I can aleast try to start putting some faith into the M again.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Lost,

Please be careful. Although he's saying (and somewhat doing) some of the right things right now, you could just as easily make the case that he's following that "what they do when you ignore them" script above as well.

I still don't trust him.

And neither should you.

KUDOS to you, btw, for bravely doing what you did. I'm sorry I wasn't following your thread at the time, or I would have chimed in sooner. That was an incredibly brave thing you did for you and your children, and I know it couldn't have been easy.

Puppy

[lost-n-Iowa]

Well I have been away for a bit. I have been busy at work with a roof that has fallen apart, my rental property, and my vacation with my girls.

Things are going fine with H right now. We have had a few set backs. I tried to remain calm but it did not work right away. he had asked to use my computer. I wanted to trust him so I said ok. I found out later that he had looked up a porn site on it. I was mad instantly and ranted for a bit with my sister about it. In the end by the time that I had talked to him I was quite about it and was calm to him. I asked him why? He said that he really did not know. I said fine I did not need to really hear an explanation that I may not believe anyway and then told him that under no circumstances would I tolerate it. That if he wanted to make our M work that he had to stop porn surfing. His answer was that he thought it was no big deal and that he was frustrated so that is why he was looking at it, I said that I did not care why he was but that he was to STOP it or we would proceed to a D. I was not going to compete with it and if it was more important to him than me or the marriage than I was gone. I said that he would stop.

I know what you are thinking? Do I actually believe that he will he stop? I don't know but I have laid down the 'LAW' as I see it should be and if he can't go by it than I will have to enforce it.

I have been reading and following the DB books and I have been reading a book called Love Dares. I like that second book as it takes it day by day and dares you to do something. First day was to not say anything negative. Hard to do but was able to to. Second day was to do something kind without be asked. It seems like such simple things but if you really look at it it can be the basis for many different parts in my M.

Took the girls on vacation with my H. We had a very good time. Spent 2 hours just talking one of the nights with my H about many things, life, family, friends, our M, the kids, our feelings, ect. Was really good. He seemed to listen and did not tell me that my opinion is wrong just cause it does not fit his. I can only hope for these changes to continue.

[Bridgestone]

I'd also recommend "the Language of Letting Go" by Melody beattie.

It sounds like you are setting good boundaries. It's hard to do that, be solid with yourself & be vulnerable to working on an M all at the same time, when you been where you have been as recently as you have been there.

You are a strong woman. I hope you continue your individual counseling & that your Husband continues on his path of growth as well.

I wish you the best. Whatever that is for you & your girls.
Peace
Bridge

[lost-n-Iowa]

I like the changes that I see in my H but I am so constantly worried that I am setting myself up for another failure.

I worry that if I give a little trust that he will take a mile.

I worry that I have taken the wrong path on this and will wind up regretting the fact that I am giving it another chance.

I worry that the changes will only last until I drop the divorce papers. I still have the divorce pending and have not shut it down yet. I did not think I was ready for that.

I don't feel strong and I am in constant turmoil as to whether I am doing the right thing or not.

I am going to continue the MC and I will be looking into getting more books. I will try to locate the one that you have suggested.

I keep telling myself to just take it a day at a time and not get to comfortable just yet.

[Bridgestone]

You have summed up in a nutshell what every WAS fears the most... as soon as you take their head off the chopping block (remove the D papers).. the old behaviours return.

Most everything I read about 'getting too comfortable too fast" meant at least a year with no replapse/abusive behaviour before one could say that he has 'changed'.

Given his porn addiction, affairs, etc... i would say that will mean lot of IC on his part to understand & overcome it.

Is he seeing anyone for that? Is that one of your conditions for reconciliation.. separate from MC?

good luck...
I truly understand your fears, uncertainity, and cautiousness, as do other's on this board.

Peace
Bridge

[lost-n-Iowa]

We have been seeing a MC together at this time. I would think that the MC would seperate us if he though that we needed that. I have seen my H do the changes for a little while and then he is back to his old ways again. I have been told that if it took you a year to get to a certain bad point it will more than likely take you a year to get to a certain good point again. I will admit that I do the same things. I know that I do not fight fair when we do get into arguement. I have been really trying to fight fair by not bringing up the past, saying bad things that I know are 'button pushers', and threatening to just push the divorce papers through. I also lapse back into these bad behaviors. I have found out that he has been to porn sites since we got back together and I put my foot down stating that I will not tolerate these types of behaviors. I explained that it hurt me, that I felt as if I had to compete against these woman for his desires and that was something that I would not do. I dont' think that he understands the way that I feel and I am not sure if he ever will. One thing that the C has said is that we DO NOT trust each other and until we do then we are hiking through two feet of snow going uphill in a blizzard. I agree. But how do you let go of the past and just say okay I am going to trust you from here on out. (Until you mess up again??) I feel like I am going in circles some days. I don't know if this is the right thing to do or not yet and I wish there was a way that you could see into the future. If I take this road, then this is what will happen but if I take this road then this is what will happen. Then it would be so much easier to decide what to do.

[lost-n-Iowa]

I find myself pulling back from my H again. He says things all the time that are so stupid (for a lack of a better word) Things just come out of his mouth and they may mot be designed to set me off but they do. I have been doing really good today on not being roped into an arguement with him by trying to speak calmly and hold myself in check but it is hard.

He still is the same man that he was when I filed for the divorce. I don't think he gets it that I would be unhappy to get the divorce but at the same time that I would be happier if we did go through with it. At least I think that I would be. I feel like I am still getting no where with this whole thing.

We are going to C and doing a love dare type of book together and I do see some changes but it never last more than a day. I keep looking at the whole pic and trying to figure out if it is just me and if I really want to be here. I am not sure.

I love my H and would like nothing more than to have a great M with him but not like this. I am tired of being told what I should be doing with my money, my family, my kids, my friends, my animals, etc. He says that he is only making suggestions but it sure don't feel like that to me.

I am sleeping on the couch tonight b/c we got into an arguement about a cat. My cat died, my daughter wants to bring a new one home from her dad's girlfriends house. I told her (when my H was just coming into the room) that I did not want to get another cat yet. He heard me say something about getting another cat and he got upset that I had not talked to him about getting one and that he would not allow another cat in the house. I said that I was happy to see that he had talked to me about NOT getting another cat. It went a bit farther and I said please leave my office. He made a rude sound and an ugly face and left. I think it was stupid!!!!!

[lost-n-Iowa]

Things are going from bad to worse. My H admitted to me that he is really not trying to make the m better. That instead he is dishing out everything that he thinks I have ever done wrong to him in the last 6 years of our R back at me plus some so that I can see how good I actually had it. What a warped way of thinking.

We were having a good day and then it all went to crap in a had basket in less than 10 minutes. I am begining to believe that I did make a mistake by trying to make my M work. It has brought me nothing but greif so far.

[lost-n-Iowa]

My H left and went back to work, things have been okay since then. he seems mad almost everytime that I call him.

Some things were happening with me at work and I was able to vent on him and he did not do a lot of trying to 'fix' everything and tell me what I should be doing. Usually he tells me to do things that are so off the wall that I can't even comprehend where he comes up with the ideas!!

I just got a phone call form him saying that he is on his way home now. Wanted to know if I had heard if anyone was making plans for the weekend. I told him what I knew. Then he tells me that he really doesn't think he wants to do any of it and just wants to stay at home. As if!!

I stay at home all week long and take care of everything, why would I want to sit at home on the weekends? I have no kids this weekend and would really like to go camping and horse back riding. (We live 10 minutes from the state forest that we would do this in)

I have been cleaning the house and keeping things going around here and he says that he has to come home and make sure that I have taken care of everything correctly before he can even think about having any fun this weekend.

Guess I am going by myself if I can get his truck from him!!!