Newbie - first post and ?s

[Faith2010]

I don't even know where to start. I am so angry and so hurt. H is out there on the phone with the F@cking B!tch as we speak. I went out there, said I wanted to talk to it, he said no. I told H it was disrespectful to me and our M.

Today was a day from he!!. A call at 5am from my SIL that my BIL was very, very sick. H comes home. I told H I would like to go with him to the hospital. H says no, he wants to do it alone. That hurt like he!!. I got upset, not the thing to do but I couldn't control it. H leaves and a little while later he calls and says BIL is not good at all. I decide I am going to go, after all I have been in his family for 17 years. Long story short H's brother died today. We get home tonight and are talking about his brother, life, "putting things in perspective" and I give him some solicited advice and H says "that's what Alisha (aka F@cking B!tch) told me." I was completely floored. I started crying, I couldn't help it. I still can't stop. I can't believe he has turned to her. Here I am by his side, all this years, all day today, trying to piece our M back together and for what? I don't know if I can do this. Honest to God, I don't know. This pain is unbearable. Reality hit like a ton of bricks today. H doesn't want me. H wants her. H wants to take away my M and everything that it involves, including his family.

How do you survive a night like tonight? I don't want to. I just don't.

Sorry to spill like this. I don't know where else to turn right now.