Lamby, you said: "I think that PART of the nitpicking and criticism is that I am pushing and pushing in hopes that there is something to push against / hopes that he'll push back a little. Possibly to incite him to get a little more aggressive? It isn't conscious, for sure."
I know what you are saying and yes it is a subconscious thing that many women do to men. It starts out this way:
Subconsciously, we women need to know a man can take care of us and is in fact, stronger than we are. If he is not, then how can he protect us and our babies in the face of danger? If he is not stronger than us, then we may have to in fact, protect HIM from danger, a task we are not willing to do because we already have to protect ourselves and our babies. Protect him too? No way. That's his job, along with protecting us.
In our subconscious minds, we know we cannot accept being with a "weak" man, and if we have any hint or snif of weakness in him (not talking about vulnerability, they are different things), then inside, it sort of ticks us off. If he can't take ME down, how can he take down a cave bear trying to attack my den?
So we begin to push him a little, hoping he'll prove he is not weak, and that he certainly is not weaker than US.
Of course, it doesn't really work. A man will not respond to being provoked that way. He will shut down and withdraw. Especially a nice guy. All he will read is that you are being a bitch. He will not understand that you are challenging him to step it up a notch.
And since we are doing this subconsciously, we ourselves barely understand we are asking him to step it up, either.
If we could be totally honest and bring these subconscious things to the surface, then we could just say "hey husband, when you behave this way or that way, it makes me afraid that I am stronger than you are, and I just can't have that. Can you please show me that you are in fact stronger than me and able to protect me?" Usually in the face of pure honesty, THEN a man will "get" what you are doing and trying to say and trying to get him to show you.
But without the full honesty about it, then you can't really deliver the right message. Instead you deliver a message that says "I am just high maintanance and no matter what you do, it will never be enough".
At this point, a man will think "I cannot make her happy, so I will find a woman who I can make happy" or something along those lines.
He ultimately wants to make you happy, which is very hard for women to understand, because a man will do many things that do not seem to be designed to make us happy, and will refuse to do some things that you have directly TOLD him WILL make you happy.
That part is a whole other problem, the problem where people give what they want to receive. So a man tries and tries to make you happy in ways that HE would want to receive, little does he know that these things do little to increase your happiness.
So anyway, that part is different.
The "bullying" him part...where you are in fact trying to get him to step up, will not work until you really know how to bring out the best in him, instead of provoke him.
As Baggy and others are saying, appreciating him and stroking his ego, complimenting him in the areas where his pride are affected, admiring his accomplishments...this is the way to bring out the best in him and it will in fact, bring out his strength more and more as well.
He does need to do some work, I am sure and I hope the NMMNG will help him. He does need to step it up and prove to you and to himself that he is NOT weak. But getting him from here to there will be a process, so hopefully in the meantime, you can learn to stop the nit-picking, because it will NOT work the way you hope it will.
I'm not saying he is weak, but a nice guy does have trouble accessing his own masculine energy and power. He has trouble not seeing women as more powerful than he is. This is where that dilemma comes in. He actually is NOT weak by any means, but he is allowing his man-ness to lay dormant, not engaging it, not developing it.
Give him time to develop it, but also begin to make some steps toward telling him gently that you need to see his man-ness and strength.
I wanted to ask you a couple of things.
About the porn. Can you tell me, does it offend you, or are you just ticked when he watches it and then doesn't initiate?
And the other thing, you said that you are sometimes a little grossed out during sex. Can you explain this a little more? I am just trying to get a feel for if this will fix itself as you explore these other things, or if it is something else you will both need to work on. Try your best to explain what you mean by being grossed out, and if it is happening consistently, or only once in a while, or only after a certain event or...?
