We all have our personal Andes...

[cat03]

oh my sweets))))))))))) my old battle buddy thanks for checking in on me, I was actually going to post after a long hiatus, but overall all is well in catland..

After so many months, D being filed on Jan, the D will come through any day now, his L had me approved a tiny change, I had to print the paperwork and had to hand it to x 2 days ago without fanfare, he will need it for his August wedding. MIL told me about it, I guessed his August trip was because of that but still felt a small but hard kick in the gut.

My healing has come a long way, but here and there are thin patches where it is still tender...it's been barely 1.5 since the S, barely 7mths since I lost of hope of reconciling... I've come to many conclusions since...

... I will (for the most part) stop trying to patch together the whys and whens, as his soul/mind was ravaged by depression, OW dependency, loss of God -- nothing will ever make sense in a neat timeline.

... he and I have nothing in common anymore, I dont' love him he long ago decided his love for me was non-existent... He has became a man I wouldn't have in a golden platter

...the best years of his life he had with me, I had a H who loved me dearly and was able to raise my children for 11yrs together... I will smile when thinking of them

...he's a sad wretch, yet again curing himself with a bad woman, his debt is horrible, he doestn eat well nor can afford to eat out, his car is broken and can't fix it, if she doesn't get a job they are screwed big time, he knows he is in a nosedive.

I dont' wish him ill, hope for the kids sake things shape up for him, at what degree I dont' know as his old demons are still with him. AFter so many months of only necesary txts we had a txt dual the other day, after I said I'd give him his "precious" D papers he wondered "why the anger", I'm not angry anymore but if I were I'd had good reasons, it doen'st register to him that the hurt took a long time to heal and it's not yet 100%.

Long story short he tells me how he "dislikes" dealing with me and my "judging and nagging". It sort of hurt to hear that, but then again I do dislike when I have to deal with him, specially when he tells kids to hide stuff from me. So, what did I want? that he liked communicating with me? with gf telling him I'm manipulating kids? I dont' care, whatever. He ended up saying how if I thought his life was a party it wastn', he hated being broke and not taking kids anywhere the whole summer as he has no car and rides to work on her motorcycle...well, the thing is, he is getting married in Vegas, how the hell can he afford to fly there, stay there for prob a few days and NOT fix his car? liar, the same low liar he's always been...

He says he is trying to do the best with what's left of him, I sort of believe that, but also says he doesnt' have the power to change anything in his life right now and that he either makes it or sinks... I dont' care anymore, I do feel bad for my kids as whatever happens to him will affect them, I do pray hard for them and will do a better job at instill in them good morals and show them the right way, so they may choose what's right.

I do feel much much more detached from him thanks to those txts, I now remember what he's become and I wouldnt' want him for the world... I'm better off now.

Wonderful tidbit I learned in DivorceCare -- I go now and then, I'll go today -- something about finding a partner. That to find your partner, you have to find God because he knows where your partner is... they told a story of a missionary lady that after decades retired, she was single. She was asked why she didn't marry, didnt' God listened to her? did she ask for an H? she said "yes, I did ask God for a good H, and He listened, the one who fail was the man who would've been my H, God called him but he didnt' listened." and with that, I took down my profile on a dating site, I want nothing for now anyways, but if God sees it fit he'll send me the right person, if not, I have ..slowly.. reached to the conclusion that I can be happy if I remain single forever.

I also learned that for every 4yrs of M you need 1 year of healing (and waiting before heading to a new R), I'm half way there, lol!

All in all I'm good, money sort of tight and unexpected expenses came about, but I'll be ok, thanks to dear Lord my d6 doesnt' cry anymore and goes fine to her dad's , thank you dear God for that again!

To end this harangue I'd like to say that if you find yourself brooding at night or when you wake up, turn it into a prayer and tell it to God, pour yourself out, and then thank Him for he is already working on the solution. HUGs)))))))))))))))))