What's it really all about?

[AlexEN]

...Do you, does she know anyone who put a marriage back together? I think most people doubt it can be done....b/c it's as tough as it looks.

No, her two "best" friends (better friends since this all started) have just gone through divorces... Believe it or not, I've never had any close personal friends either divorce or have to put a marriage back together and my life has not been as sheltered as that would make it sound!

She is relaying what may be some useful and valuable info. Her reluctance to tell you something b/c she feared being misunderstood; taking care of herself v taking care of you (huge conflict!); unfullfilled in marriage. Seems like a sincere communication of an honest reflection.

Good points, both. But, isn't it presumptuous to assume she'll be misunderstood if she hasn't expressed that fear to that response? Could she fear being understood?

Bingo on the huge conflict; we both played the martyr role very well, thank you... We put the kids first to our own detriment... thus creating an unfulfilling M.

She threads a lot of tears through her writing. Why tell you that? You would never know otherwise so why does she want you to know she is touched? So she doesn't look hardened? Cold? Numb? Ok, maybe. Still, a lot of crying out loud. She is showing you feelings she has about your marriage, you and the children. She does not seem all the way out of the door.

I think she surprises and (scares) herself when she feels emotions. She comes from a family of stoics where one fights through adversity and play is frowned upon because there is ALWAYS work to be done. But, I dare not guess if it is a conscious or unconscious outcry.

I'm curious about your interpretation that she does not seem all the way out the door; from where I sit, it feels as if she cannot get out the door fast enough.

Make her do the talking - the heavy lifting - when y'all tell the kids. Do NOT help her.

Well, here is the "negotiated" script. Personally, I don't think the kids hear any of the words after "divorce" and that it will all become very fluid, very fast... My instinct was to have her do the heavy lifting... I want to make sure (because of the FOO stuff above about stifling emotions) that they know it isn't their fault and that whatever it is they are feeling, I DO want them to express it:

W: I have something difficult to tell you. After many months of thinking about it and a long process, I told Daddy that we should get a divorce.

A: I don’t agree with Mommy, and this is not what I want. I still love her, but we’re going to have to live with her decision.

W: I love Daddy, too, as your father, but I no longer have the feelings I had when we got married that I think I need.

A: We aren’t divorcing you; we will each be there for you, but separately. I think this is terribly sad. It breaks my heart that you will have to go through this.

W: What you need to know is that you are the best parts of our lives. We love each of you more than anything, and that will NEVER change.

A: Whatever you are feeling, you have a right to feel (and to express), because NONE of this is your fault and no one deserves to experience divorce. I am so sorry.

It makes me sick to re-read that...