Ummmmmmmmmmmm, yeah. I'll choose Not Talking About Sexuality in the 50s for, ah, 50, Alex....
The Letter. Though much longer, not unlike The Note, in either tone or context.
The problem with these things is that they practically beg for mind-reading. Essence of cheese down otherwise cheeseless tunnels.
But your The Letter, like my The Note, reminds me again why everything I know about life I learned from "Joe Versus the Volcano:"
Nobody knows anything, Joe. We'll take this leap, and we'll see. We'll jump, and we'll see. That's life, right?
Funny, not ha-ha funny, but I read this before you wrote about The Note and wasn't quite sure what you were saying... As you or @Thinker pointed out once before, it's incredibly interesting how the various threads around here weave together.
But, now that I have read The Note, I see that the similarities are chilling... and I mean that in the worst sense of the word...
Yes, tone and context not at all dissimilar... and the Words... weren't we talking about that yesterday? I suppose they each took actions to write... but, I discern only the same words as do you: Good-bye Stranger.
Puppy's comments about the use of the passive voice leaped into mind as I read The Note... Deflecting any responsibility or the fact that We Make Choices. Not all of this Just Happened...
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
The problem with these things is that they practically beg for mind-reading. Essence of cheese down otherwise cheeseless tunnels.
So don't mind read and make it a productive exercise. "Wife when you are ready I want you to clarify for me some of your points in your note. I just want to make sure we are communicating in a healthy way."
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
The problem with these things is that they practically beg for mind-reading. Essence of cheese down otherwise cheeseless tunnels.
So don't mind read and make it a productive exercise. "Wife when you are ready I want you to clarify for me some of your points in your note. I just want to make sure we are communicating in a healthy way."
OK - I know no one will feel sorry for a WAS who cries occassionally...but some of what she writes is reflective of what she may really be feeling. So it's not junk. The notion of "Gee, wish we'd known then what we know now" is a reasonable place to be. The implied "Oh well, too late now" is flawed thinking, though. But how would she know that? Do you, does she know anyone who put a marriage back together? I think most people doubt it can be done....b/c it's as tough as it looks.
She is relaying what may be some useful and valuable info. Her reluctance to tell you something b/c she feared being misunderstood; taking care of herself v taking care of you (huge conflict!); unfullfilled in marriage. Seems like a sincere communication of an honest reflection.
She threads a lot of tears through her writing. Why tell you that? You would never know otherwise so why does she want you to know she is touched? So she doesn't look hardened? Cold? Numb? Ok, maybe. Still, a lot of crying out loud. She is showing you feelings she has about your marriage, you and the children. She does not seem all the way out of the door.
Make her do the talking - the heavy lifting - when y'all tell the kids. Do NOT help her.
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
...Do you, does she know anyone who put a marriage back together? I think most people doubt it can be done....b/c it's as tough as it looks.
No, her two "best" friends (better friends since this all started) have just gone through divorces... Believe it or not, I've never had any close personal friends either divorce or have to put a marriage back together and my life has not been as sheltered as that would make it sound!
Originally Posted By: Greek
She is relaying what may be some useful and valuable info. Her reluctance to tell you something b/c she feared being misunderstood; taking care of herself v taking care of you (huge conflict!); unfullfilled in marriage. Seems like a sincere communication of an honest reflection.
Good points, both. But, isn't it presumptuous to assume she'll be misunderstood if she hasn't expressed that fear to that response? Could she fear being understood?
Bingo on the huge conflict; we both played the martyr role very well, thank you... We put the kids first to our own detriment... thus creating an unfulfilling M.
Originally Posted By: Greek
She threads a lot of tears through her writing. Why tell you that? You would never know otherwise so why does she want you to know she is touched? So she doesn't look hardened? Cold? Numb? Ok, maybe. Still, a lot of crying out loud. She is showing you feelings she has about your marriage, you and the children. She does not seem all the way out of the door.
I think she surprises and (scares) herself when she feels emotions. She comes from a family of stoics where one fights through adversity and play is frowned upon because there is ALWAYS work to be done. But, I dare not guess if it is a conscious or unconscious outcry.
I'm curious about your interpretation that she does not seem all the way out the door; from where I sit, it feels as if she cannot get out the door fast enough.
Originally Posted By: Greek
Make her do the talking - the heavy lifting - when y'all tell the kids. Do NOT help her.
Well, here is the "negotiated" script. Personally, I don't think the kids hear any of the words after "divorce" and that it will all become very fluid, very fast... My instinct was to have her do the heavy lifting... I want to make sure (because of the FOO stuff above about stifling emotions) that they know it isn't their fault and that whatever it is they are feeling, I DO want them to express it:
W: I have something difficult to tell you. After many months of thinking about it and a long process, I told Daddy that we should get a divorce.
A: I don’t agree with Mommy, and this is not what I want. I still love her, but we’re going to have to live with her decision.
W: I love Daddy, too, as your father, but I no longer have the feelings I had when we got married that I think I need.
A: We aren’t divorcing you; we will each be there for you, but separately. I think this is terribly sad. It breaks my heart that you will have to go through this.
W: What you need to know is that you are the best parts of our lives. We love each of you more than anything, and that will NEVER change.
A: Whatever you are feeling, you have a right to feel (and to express), because NONE of this is your fault and no one deserves to experience divorce. I am so sorry.
It makes me sick to re-read that...
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
It makes me sick to read that, as well. Any one of us LBW's on here would do just about anything to have a H as dedicated to making things work as you.
I'm in IL, too. How about this "summer" weather today? GOD!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I think she surprises and (scares) herself when she feels emotions. She comes from a family of stoics where one fights through adversity and play is frowned upon because there is ALWAYS work to be done. But, I dare not guess if it is a conscious or unconscious outcry.
We must be sisters. I come from the same stock. Emotions = scary! I'd rather have physical pain than emotional pain anyday of the week. Have you always known this about her?
Quote:
I'm curious about your interpretation that she does not seem all the way out the door; from where I sit, it feels as if she cannot get out the door fast enough.
All those tears. All those shared feelings. You know, if I'm gone and eternally p!ssed, I'm not crying about anything you write, say, do. I'm gone. And I'm not going to give you a glimpse at my softened side. I wonder why she did that?
Quote:
[Well, here is the "negotiated" script.
They are your little kayaks, so what I think doesn't matter. I just know that when we told our kids about me moving out, Coach made sure I did all the talking. He just didn't contribute at all while I told them. All he said to the kids when I finished was "Do you have any questions for me?" Our daughter did and he answered them matter of factly (logistical questions mostly). Other than that, he put the miserable chore in my lap altogether ~~~ right where it belonged. Grrrrrrrrrrr >-{ but that guy was dead on right to do it! It was part of the lesson he gave me in Reality 101. But you know your children best and what you say GOES in my book. Just some food for thought.
Cheers ~
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
