I have had for several years a WAW. We finally decided to separate about 3 weeks ago. Our marriage has not been the greatest. She says I was trying to control her and we argued frequently. I am a depressed person and do not want to lose my family (one kid). I am on an anti-depressant medication. She says she needs time to sort out her feelings. The first few weeks I tried and begged saying we could work things out but to no avail. This past week I have totally left her alone hoping to give her space she needs. I do not want to lose her but need advice what to do. Please help.
How long have you been married? How long have you been on the anti-depressants? Have you gotten therapy or are you now? Are you making ANY changes? 180's, GAL (getting a life, etc.)
Have you read the Divorce Busting books, which are the foundation for this site? START WITH THAT if you have not done so already. The terms used here are based on the "D-B-" series and its' unique approach to marital problem solving (it is 'solution based' therapy and IS different than most modern approaches and is another weapon in therapist's arsenal SO it is crucial to read those THOROUGHLY so you really let the info sink in and absorb b/c then you make the changes needed and monitor for results. If something is working or might be, keep it up and if it is definitely NOT working (backfiring is one example of NOT working, stop it immediately) but it does NOT require you rehashing issues from your childhood, etc. Much as we ALL want to fully understand our partners, at first when we find ourselves being left behind, we endlessly analyze and ask WHY? WHY? WHY? and WHAT TO DO????? Well, by the time you find yourself on this site, you have NO TIME to study the past much, so you focus on your goal of busting the divorce. That does NOT mean to argue. PLEASE READ THE BOOKS....Don't waste precious time trying to figure out what she meant 3 years ago at a party when she said "X and Y", etc. Stay in the now and figure out what it's going to take to make this work out in the long run. SOME of it may feel counter intuitive; like you may feel like telling her you Need her/love her/ blah blah blah but that will smother her and she'll probably flee....BACK OFF....
When we say a man is controlling, we usually mean he is too bossy and wants things his way and the "other way" is the wrong way. Don't poo poo that. It almost always comes off as criticism too, meaning if you tell someone to do something your way, they must be "wrong" and after awhile that can sound like an endless barrage of criticism or negativity. Coming from a depressive person, it does not sound like a good mix. How long has she been complaining about your behaviors? Why didn't you do anything about it before? Is it b/c you (this is not an insulting question but an honest one) did not think you really needed to change but now realize that even if you are "right" you are losing her? So now you want to be happy, rather than right? Or better yet, both
And if you have been depressed for years then that is an unfair burden on her shoulders. Perhaps you can Apologize to her to make amends, and tell her you will NOW be taking care of your own happiness so she doesn't have to worry about that and be upbeat. You are HAPPY to be in charge of YOUR happiness (and you really ought to be, in all truth) Take that OFF her shoulders asap. It wasn't fair to her and it may have caused her to resent you.
Step back enough to see how you got here and that means looking in the mirror and that ain't easy. But we must do it to learn enough to change and to stay married in a healthy marriage. We eventually are brave or desparate enough to do so and we change...and when one person in a two person relationship changes, the Relationship Also Changes...period. So yes you can control SOME of this...and that ONE part that you can control, is YOU......and only you.....remember this.
when we find ourselves HERE on THIS SITE...we don't have the time to analyze our childhoods (But will have to someday IF the issues from childhood STILL affect our adult choices and they OFTEN DO...but for now, you must focus on what improves the relationship and brings you closer to your wife. It may be that distance does that in the long run, ironically.
WAS's need to figure things out on their own and you cannot control them or work out detailed machinations designed to manipulate, AND EXPECT TO WIN HER BACK...that's something that will backfire.
If she thinks you are sucking out her life's energy and are a negative influence on her life (sure would help me to know details but you keep withholding so I'm flying blind here....)
then you need to show her that staying married to you would somehow be DIFFERENT and you show that by BEING DIFFERENT....
presumably b/c of a new med or a higher dose or some new behavioral therapy--in other words, something in you is changing so she can feel motivated to try again.
What does SHE SAY (not you mind reading, but her actual words and examples of) she wants from life or a husband, and what does she SAY you are doing wrong or not doing enough of?
Now, What do YOU THINK she means/feels? Why?
Once we know some or all of these things, then we can talk. Otherwise we don't have enough data from which we can form intelligent opinions and advise accordingly.
Read the books, now. Back off now, give her space and start acting and behaving in a way that contrasts with the negative images she has created about M to you. She had to do that to justify her actions. You cannot worry about that though, OM (other man) right now IF there is one and OR IF there is a physical relationship. You'll get MORE depressed and needy and obessing which does NOT help. You are not in a position to address that, if you can't get her to sit down and decide to stay married - you surely can't tell her to stop a relationship. Not yet anyhow...you'll have your chance but for now, we'll
Keep in touch. You are in the right place as sad as that is now. As you can see from my signature block, some marriages do get saved. Read faithfulH's thread if you can find it b/c his has as well. There other sections on this site that will help you cope, including how it is to deal with a depressed spouse ...so you can see your w's position from her stand point. IT must have been hard on her.
Get some insights into what you need to do.BTW, Do NOT GIVE HER THE Divorce Busting Books to read...they are for YOU ONLY. Trust us on that.
Good luck, and keep on posting,
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My wife was supposed to go to marriage counseling last night but refused stating she needed to see some changes in me before deciding. I am giving her as much space as she needs. I am certain she is in an EA but she won't admit it. What do I do next?
stop pressing her for ANY answers. Why are you asking her to admit anything?
Did you read the DB books?
read them again, don't corner her into saying something YOU will regret "committing" her to. Don't you see that? BACK OFF!! How can you say you are giving her space while ALSO asking her about EAs?
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You continue to forget to give us the needed details too.
Why is that? You want some easy answers? There are NONE. Do the work it takes to save your marriage or lose it.
But don't give us half ass answers and hope we can magically solve your problems. Read the books for starters. Good grief, do you want this marriage or not? Why can't you answer our questions?
What are you actually willing to do to save it? Change anything?
Guess what? That is mandatory.
J-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I have not talked to her in over a week and also never asked her about the EA. I am just leaving her alone so she have time to herself. I hope this EA relationship will not go on forever but marriage counseling will not happen until I make some changes. Is it time to give up?
I have not talked to her in over a week and also never asked her about the EA. I am just leaving her alone so she have time to herself. I hope this EA relationship will not go on forever but marriage counseling will not happen until I make some changes. Is it time to give up?
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
You continue to forget to give us the needed details too.
Why is that? You want some easy answers? There are NONE. Do the work it takes to save your marriage or lose it.
But don't give us half ass answers and hope we can magically solve your problems. Read the books for starters. Good grief, do you want this marriage or not? Why can't you answer our questions?
What are you actually willing to do to save it? Change anything?
Guess what? That is mandatory.
I have to agree with 25ymlc here. If you are not willing to put in the effort and time to change yourself, what do you think that your W would want the same past marriage back again. First thing you have to do is realize that if you want to save your M, that you are going to have to start changing. You have no control over your W, how she feels or what she wants, what you do have control over is yourself. If she sees enough change that she likes in you, then maybe counseling. Not for nothing, but maybe it is time to listen to what she is saying. If you think its time to give up then it seems like you may not want to put in the work and requirements to save your M.
Me 35 W 30 S 3 M 7 : T 13 yrs Separated 2/20/09 My Story
sure give up. You can't answer OUR questions b/c they are .......what? Too time consuming??
Yeah, sure. give up. Saving marriages takes way way longer than an hour... or 4...
if it's not important enough for you to read 2 books and tell us that you have read them AND OR answer our simple questions, you are in no shape to change yourself or the marriage.
Good luck, j
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
What are the simple questions that I need to answer? I have read DB and trying to get a life without depending on her for happiness. I struggle every day with inner conflicts of how to approach the situation. Do I sit back take care of myself and see if she notices? I really want to the save the marriage and know I need to change myself. How will she notice that I am changing when I don't even speak or see her? I believe she is in an emotional/physical relationship with OP and I am not confronting her about it. I am just taking one day at a time. Any help would be appreciated.
