I FINALLY feel like I am truly detaching. It has been a process but for the most part now I really don't care where he is/what he is doing and am able to leave the room to go be by myself when he is home without the urge to be in the same room as him, etc. Of course, there are times the worry/fear/panic start to surface but I am much more easily able to push the negatives aside and think about something else. He is slowly losing room in my head. At this point he still has room in my heart (or the "old" him, anyway) but I just am not particularly interested in this person who doesn't treat me the way I deserve.
I have also "dropped the rope." Of course I do still want my M to work out and that is what I am working toward but I know that whatever happens I WILL be okay.
It is nice having that sense of peace and yes even joy again.
It is so funny how you have said my posts seem to come at the right time. I am beginning to think they come at the right time for the both of us. Either as a reminder for me, or as in the last one, a sign of what is to come. In my head, I know what must happen, sometimes I choose to resist. I want to share with you that my last step in detachment has finally hit. I was finally strong enough to be shown "the light" so to speak and for the first time in my entire M, I feel like I have finally been willing to lose it all. Not out of anger or self preservation, just simply out of love. Love for myself, H, and S. Mostly myself.
This has been coming in baby steps, hence the "bad days", for a very long time. It started with the detachment from anger and self preservation, to a feeling of "you won't do this to me anymore" but still falling back into the trap when baited, to a desire to not want to detatch, to truly believing I didn't care and being able to say it. In May, it got a little different and it was--I have always done abc for you but I can't do that anymore, if you choose to deal with it, I hope you don't get hurt--to this final, finishing point. Throughout this process for me, I have gotten stronger with each step (my H was/is very emotionally abusive and I was VERY weak after all of these years). And that new strength has led to more steps. I have known and been urged internally for about 5 weeks to take this last one, and I fought it at every turn. Until I was with no question of a doubt shown that if I keep on without the final step, I would keep living where I was, the cycle would repeat and repeat and repeat. For 5 days, I was urged to do something, to look at something, and I said no, to the point when my S brought it up, I screamed at him. I did not understand this exactly, I just wanted to avoid it. Then I could take it no more. I opened my eyes. I saw what I needed to see. I confronted H matter of factly, told him what I needed to without allowing him to get to me again (at least on the outside). Of course, he has a temper tantrum, threatened for the first time, to bring me papers, to which I replied, go ahead if that is what you want to do.
I don't know where that came from because it wasn't me. I fully expect to hear it at least one more time. It took him threatening to move out twice with no reaction from me either time before he stopped that threat.
I know your H is still at home. Please be careful. Because we see them everyday, it is so easy to fall from our safe place. We want to see everything as forward movement, and much of it is, but the truth is that the forward movement is so slooow and there are so many steps backwards in the process. And it hurts everytime it happens. Also having them at home keeps us the target, even though it is not really even conscious. If you asked my H, he would say yes I did that but she should not have been hurt by it, or something to that effect, or he wouldn't even remember doing or saying it. They say they are done with us, it doesn't matter what we do, etc... and they really may feel that way, but because you are there day in and day out, they still put it all on you. It also keeps us from moving forward as quickly as we should. They do notice the little detachments, and they find other ways to try to get back in. My H has told me for months and months that he wants us to be friends and has tried to show me friend stuff on and off. He may truly want to be friends, we haven't been in a long time. But I have not felt that was his real intention or desire. I have felt that it was his way of wanting to keep me in his life on his terms and if he treats all of his friends the way he has treated me, I don't think I want to be his friend.
So my weekend has been a very emotional one, because I have finally truly dropped the rope and I have no intention of picking it back up. If my H wants friendship, he will have to offer true friendship, until then I will be civil. My fears have subsided, fears that if I didn't make him dinner he would think I don't love him, fears that if I didn't have the coffee pot ready he would think I hate him. Those sorts of things. I was still in the mode of trying to be as normal as possible because he is living here, but that has stopped. My desire to be that way because of fears has stopped. Do I feel bad that he has to go to work without fresh coffee? Sure but he knows how to set up the pot just as much as I do. Do I feel bad that he is hungry and I haven't cooked yet? Sure but he knows how to use the oven. In four days he has already tried to punish me with the silent treatment, tried to weasle back in with the cute little boy words, and tried to upset me with anger. None of it has effected me. So we will see what comes next. I have finally given it all to God. I know all that I said to him came from God because it was not my words or thoughts on the subject exactly. My behaviors have not been my own. I wish I could have done this sooner, but I was not ready to lose all and now I am. I knew it was the key for me, but I hadn't made the final break until last week.
I am sharing this all with you because I want you to be able to see, especially when the next hard day comes, that you are doing this as best you can and although you may not be where others are, or you may not be moving as quickly as you or others think you should, you can get there. First you have to know it in your head and the day will come when you know it in your heart. That is when the real changing comes. For me, it is still not time to end my marriage. I was afraid that when I got to this point that it would mean I would feel like I had to get a divorce. But I don't feel that way at all. I may feel that way someday but not now. Keep moving forward and see what unfolds. That is my plan.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Cat- Sounds like you have had a lot to deal with in the past few days! I pray for strength for you as you drop the rope and make progress for yourself. It sounds like yours has been a long, long journey and I admire your patience and perseverance.
You had mentioned the book the Power of a Praying Wife which I have and have used in the past but quit in the past few months since I certaily didn't feel much like a wife anymore (bad reason, I know). Anyway, I picked it up again - couldn't ignore how many times this comes up as a recommended book - a few days ago and did as you suggested I have just been opening it up and praying wherever it landed. This morning it was his trials, and the first paragraph said "You alone know the depth of the burden my husband carries. . . . I have not come to minimize what You are doing in his life, for I know You work great things in the midst of trials. Nor am I trying to protect him from waht he must face. I only want to support him so that he will get through this battle as the winner."
I'm new to this board and don't know all the lingo, so please be patient with me. I'm in a similar situation although I went through this before with H. when we were married for 7 years and had our first child. Situation is a little different now in that I have learned to react to it differently although I am still panicking inside. I believe H's MLC is caused now by our financial problems (filed Bankruptcy 3 years ago) and his dissappointments with his career.
He moved into the spare bedroom about a month ago. He is quiet and withdrawn at home and almost seems angry at times. He calls in sick at work more then ever before which was almost never. He says he is not happy, board with life, wants to run away. He claims there is no OW, and I have to admit I was snooping around to find evidence, but so far nothing. He is almost always home when he is not working. But he has lots of friends through work that he texts all the time so I never really know who he is talking to.
I'm pretty sure he is severely depressed and he will not seek treatment because he is going to school to be a police officer and is afraid it will affect his chances for employment in that field.
I've been trying to give him space, reading DBing books and not asking any questions. It is heart breaking though to be cut out of his life. He says none of this is my fault, yet he wants to be separated from me all the time. The last time he went through this it lasted at least 2 years, but I feel part of that was my fault because I was younger and a new mom and I begged, pleaded, cried all the time which I know drove him further away.
He still asks for sex, which confuses me since it was his choice to move into the other room. At first I said no because I did not want to be used, but then I gave in, yet it really hasn't helped at all. I thought it might bring us closer.
Our 21st anniversary is coming up in August and I'm not sure if I should acknowledge it or not. I can't find anything in the posts regarding this so if anyone has experience with this issue, please let me know.
It is such relief to know I am not the only person going through this because it sure feels like it.
It is so hard. I will agree with that. At least you learned how to react differently this time, I somehow missed that lesson for a while. I am sorry you are here, well I'm sorry we are all here, but it really is a good place to be. The sex issue, well I have struggled with that one. I have done it and been told afterward that we shouldn't have (although I was not the one who started it). Although some will disagree, if you can do it without allowing it to destroy you, then do it. If it is too difficult, then don't. They still want the connection but they don't know why. When they come to you for that, for that instant they have let their guard down, but then they are even more confused and it goes back up. He may not ask again for a while. And you may be ok with it for now but not down the road. That is ok.
I acknowledged our anniversary this year. Nothing big, just a small trinket and a note but I did not expect him to say anything and he didn't. Other than thank you. Which was actually quite fine because I was pretty sure it was going to bring a barrage of insults. But there were no ILY in it, just appreciation and recognition of the day.
Trusting,
I just love that prayer and it comes up for me and my H a lot. Also, remember to ask Him to change you, to show you what you need to do. I think that is the first chapter. I always start with that one. You are still a wife in God's eyes. Thank you for your prayers, yes it was a difficult weekend, but I feel like the weight is finally off of my shoulders. It is almost like one stone at a time was removed and this was the last one. Yes my journey has been long. Sadly it has been long even prior to the MLC monster rearing it's ugly head but there is not one second of it that I would trade. I am grateful, finally grateful, for every single thing that has happened in my life. The good, the bad, the ugly and there has been plenty of all of it. Without it, I would have no relationship with God, of that I am certain. Wow, to see myself write that I am grateful for all of it, no one would believe that came out of my mouth, but it came from my heart to the keyboard. Just amazing. Sorry for the sidetrack.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Hi 2nd time around. Sorry that you find yourself here. I haven't been on that long but it has been a good place to be to read advice and seek your own and especially to know other people are going through similar things.
You might want to try posting on a separate thread so that people can follow you - might get "lost" in this one.
It does sound like your H is depressed. Mine is not acting particularly depressed most of the time though I am sure there is an element of it thrown in the mix so I don't know what advice to offer there.
As far as your upcoming anniversary goes, we just had ours last month and it was pretty rough. We didn't acknowledge it really other than to wish each other a happy anniversary but my H spent most of the day out and was clearly very upset and apologized more than once for putting me through this (I just wanted to say then DON'T). Maybe just play it by ear - it is still a few weeks off.
The other advice I can give is what so many have said to me and others and is the best advice there is under the circumstances - take care of yourself and your kids. Make sure you are eating, sleeping, exercising, etc. as best you can. Plan fun things to do with the kids. For me, prayer has been my biggest source of comfort, peace, and strength.
Hang in there and know you have support here. Keep us posted.:)
I meant to add in my most and Cat said basically what I was going to about the sex thing. I know that people would differ in advice and it is still something I am struggling with myself. Do I or don't I? Up until now I have "allowed" it because it is a connection and I do want to maintain any connection I can. But now I am waffling a bit about that and whether I should set up a boundary there. I guess you kinda have to do what seems right for you.
I can't say that I necessarily yet feel "grateful" all the time for this situation but I am with you - it has made my relationship with God stronger than it has ever been which I am SURE is at least part of the reason why this is happening. Hopefully my H will come through it with a strengthening of his faith, too.
It was good to hear a reminder about how I am still a wife in God's eyes and will carry on. I know I pray a LOT that my actions/reactions/words will be the right ones because this is something that is so changeable.
It's great that you feel a burden has been lifted. Must mean it was the right thing to do!:)
Thank you both Trusting and Cat. Your kind words give me comfort. I have to admit I have lost some of my faith having had to deal with another round of MLC from the same man. I do pray and ask for strength to get me through this. I used to pray for H to come back around but felt maybe that was not the right approach and now I just ask for strength and peace in my life however that should look. Thanks again, this is a wonderful community to come to for advice and support.
Just keep posting to vent/get support/etc. I think a turning point for me was when I stopped praying for my H to "change his mind" and started praying to put the whole situation in God's hands, whatever the outcome, and that God would work on his heart because ultimately that is the most important thing.
