K4D Rising #2

[25yearsmlc]

None of which means it would have been better to be needier and more pathetic to make her feel so sorry for you that she'd stay m. That's NOT how this works.

She is saying "Oh good, now I feel like you won't totally fall apart in front of the kids when I file"....so it isn't as if you made a mistake by seeming to get a life. Plus this assumes what she is saying now, is the truth. For all we know, she simply figured it was cheaper to wait. I personally think that is true, but maybe both things are.

Either way, why'd she tell you? Just more of her rationalizing. If you had not pretended to have GAL or acted a little weaker instead, she'd have waited a few more weeks at most but her patience would have run out sooner I THINK, and she'd say "this is ridiculous, you are so weak of course I'm filing now!" OR, she'd have simply not filed but gone ahead and moved in with OM if she has one in mind in particular, or just moved on in her life without telling you the details.

Now she feels she doesn't have to hide everything. Whippee.

Bottom line is she has told you it IS over and she IS moving on and that is that. She is NOT behaving inconsistently with those words. Don't wait for her to file again. You are backsliding b/c just a few days ago you said YOU were going to file and be done with this.What happened to that?

She's in better shape financially right now, so she will have to pay some or all of your legal bills in the end if you file soon enough. Why did you change your mind again?

What is it you think will IMPROVE by waiting for her again? Is this the same old stuff happening again? I fear it is.

Can't you see that you are giving her all the power again and again and again? And expecting what?

Now she gets to decide when it is most convenient for HER to divorce you, (and probably NOT convenient for you) and whether you'll be served or wherever....
Kevin, I think you once said you'd refuse to waive your "right to be served" and I want to clarify something. Why not waive it? I mean, unless it's b/c you don't trust someone to actually do it -- b/c the problem is there are only two realistic options for her serving you if you insist on being served and don't waive it; she can serve you at work, which is super fun to have co-workers see and great for your career, OR serve you at home and if you have kids witnessing it....that sucks for them.

So If you know your kids are not going to be home, then I'd say get served at home with a good friend around, or right before you go to a support meeting. Something designed to support you as you get it...it will hurt even if you know it's coming.

But if you instead waived service and she lets you know when it's happening, then you are spared that moment. But now, if you think for some reason she'd tell you and yet it isn't true well -- then I'd insist on being served. Just try to control when that is. Neither of you want the kids to see it. I don't know how much control there is in your state. Sometimes the servers just go where it's convenient for THEM and not the recipient's.

Do you have any friends in the area Kevin? If not, go back to that AA meeting and let them know what is going on. Plus the other group for co-dependents sounds good too.

Reach out to real people in real life. You'll need that contact.
good luck,

j-