Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2!

[tryingtilDorR]

BigJohn,
I just discovered your threads and I am in a very similar situation, except that my W's OM is not in another state unfortunately. However, is is also an old HS friend and she is kind of going through what my IC calls a 're-do', which sounds like what your W is doing also. You are so lucky that they are geographically separated.

My W hasn't gone as far as yours in admitting the impact of the EA on her. She has made many contradictory commemnts, howver, like saying she had feelings for this person but then later trying to deny she said it. Lately she has toned down the contact with OM but it is still there. My boundary was no more contact EVER, and she then chose to sleep in another room because she could not promise no contact ever (they are 'friends' and she was planning on calling him after he had surgery, etc. etc.). She is only here for her kids and hasn't wanted to really work on R sine EA started last Nov.

Many of the other things your wife has said to you match my situation completely, but she hasn't been 'flaunting' the fact that she had/has an EA (she has trouble even calling it an A). I also exposed it to her family and close friends to her dismay, but they have firmly remained in my camp on all this and think she is nuts (I think this helps keep her from running).

Here are things I have done during this process that you should think about if you haven't already -

A) GAL - exercise, weightlifting, cycling, volunteer work
B) Many positive changes in myself as a result of IC and other learning htat would make a huge differeence in our R if she ever returned to it - W resents most of the change because its 'too late'
C) detatching to some extent, but we still argue about EA/OM especially after I re-discovered that EA was still happening about a month ago. I am working on this. I am starting to accept that I can't control her OM interactions. She claims she doesn't talk to him but I know texting is going on.

It sounds like you have the ability to monitor her to some extent since it seems like you know when she is in contact with OM? That is a good thing. I monitored W for a while, but when I re-discovered EA a month ago I lost the motivation since I realized she is going to do what she is going to do. I viewed it as a way to detatch.

If your OM was local, or if your wife had the ability to make a good living on her own I think she would be gone based on how open she is about her feelings for OM.

My W can earn a good living if she chooses to work full-time and I think that is one of the remaining things she is trying to figure out - is it worth it to leave and have to work more? So far the answer seems NO but it is hard to tell what they really think. Also, the disapproval of her family is another factor.

Question for others - Does talking about a divorce settlement in detail a good drop the rope technique? I have been getting so frustrated that I want her to start facing the end game to see if that is what she really wants, so I had seen an attorney.
BigJohn - I suggest you do the same if you haven't already?