Prematurely called divorce busted, worse now

[Orich]

OK, thanks puppy, that makes sense.
Cat,
I admit I am having a very hard time dying to God. I have been working with a spiritual director for many years now. When I began having problems with my M, my director and I began to talk about putting it all in God's hands. I have not totally done that since then. My own fears are greater than I can overcome, apparently. Deep down, I know that God's will is the right path, but I don't want to go on it if it leads to my divorce. Believe me, this isn't something I am taking lightly. I am still working with my spiritual director in this regard. I believe God has called me for something. I originally thought it was for the priesthood when I was younger. Then I met my first wife. I figured the call was for something else, and didn't give it much more thought. SHe pulled me away from the church. Ultimately that bad marriage ended, which was a good thing. Afterwards, I began to hear the call again. I discerned it more carefully and became very involved in my parish and I met my wife. After a short while, the call became stronger. I discerned and discussed it with my wife, and we together looked at the diaconate. 3 years later, and she doesn't love me anymore.
I admit, I tend to be co-dependant. So when this hit, I did try to do 180's, but like you said they were more for her than me. I am approaching it differently now, and am doing things to improve myself for me. I just hope it isn't too late.
As for my relationship with God, well, it has been tarnished, but completely by me. As I stated before, my fears have helped drive a wedge between me and God. I also don't discount the work of the Devil. Most Deacon candidates will tell you, the closer you come to being ordained, the more he works to destroy you. I was 1 year away from ordination, and I was nit strong enough to resist his work in my life. I am not trying to put the blame elsewhere. This has much to do with me as well as my wife. It is appearant that I was not called to the Diaconate. Perhaps it was my own will, and that is what was my downfall.
I continue to work on putting my life in His hands as I thought I was doing 3 years ago. It is hard work, but I am making headway now. I am finding it easier to detach than before thanks to prayer.
In my heart, I still want us to be together again. I want a whole and healthy family. But as time goes on, I am closer and closer to letting Him work in my life for my own benefit.
As far as forgiveness, this is a big issue for me. It is only until recently that I was able to forgive my ex for cheating on me. When I think about my current wife, If it turns out that there is/was a PA, it will be difficult for me, but I do believe my love for her is different than my first wife. I think I could forgive and continue strengthening the M.
But, first things first.
I am fishing more often, going to the gym, and spending time with my brother. All things I have wanted to do more of before. When the season begins, I will be going on a real hunting trip with some friends. This Friday, I am taking my 6 year old to the shotgun range to see how he reacts to being around firearms to get him ready to hunt with me. Me and the boys will be camping this summer, even if it is in the backyard.
Thank you Cat, for pointing out my mistakes and missteps. When it is clearly written out for you, it is hard to ignore.
Pray for me.