I kind of feel where you are coming from....I wonder if maybe you DBed, but didn't ever fully throw yourself back into the relationship...you know, that last little kernel of yourself that allows yourself to get truly messed up if another bomb drops. Or maybe you've been half-tempted to be the walk-away yourself. I even understand your "what does it matter" type thought on an affair...I've had that from time to time myself, it's a feeling like, "well, if that's the case, I'll kick her to the curb and move forward. It'll come out eventually." If you get real suspicious, I'd say your money is on getting e-blaster or other spyware for the computer and seeing what shakes out, but it might not be necessary at this point.
Do I even have advice? Not sure I have anything helpful. I'd do as you are already doing and focus on yourself. I'd suggest you not help your wife with her own self-improvements, ala tanning, etc. Let her pick her own way. Give her the space she asked for, but really give that to her, and that includes you getting out with the kids and with friends (or even alone if need be). Friendly to her, but aloof.
One last thing: Have you looked at the 5 love languages book, by Gary Chapman? She's probably rewriting history, but you might just want to consider whether you've really been speaking her love language. Perhaps you aren't seeing success in all this time because you've been the loving husband in the way you choose to show love, rather than the way she'd choose to receive it.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
