Don't take the questions the wrong way. They were meant to stir and provoke thought, not defensiveness. Not sure that is what you felt, but it's what I got from the post.
If you see changes for the better, I believe you. Just know that I've seen so many other issues that were preventable and so, I urge you to tread lightly. That's it.
As for the adult children, sounds as if that is your "stuff" and you are handling it. Are they his kids too? I ask b/c you said "my adult children" and not "ours". Either way, I wish you good luck. J-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Since the weekend, the learning I was introduced to at a seminar has been on my mind. I have been applying what I learned and something that has been bothering me for a long time became clear finally. And it gets clearer everyday, I am so glad to clear up this issue with myself. It will make my life so much easier if I do.
In the mean time, H must have noticed and said something this a.m. - then instead my usual defensiveness about the issue I took responsibility and I think it made him speechless. H walked away, came back a few minutes later to let me know that he will be there now to help me with what I said.
So I am good. This weekend is a church grad party for d (with a slide show and jokes?) and then off to her father's. H and I are looking forward to going to the pool for the first time if the weather holds up.
It sounds like you both are working on your impulsivness. Learning new tools in your relationship.
Glad you get some alone time this weekend.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
How did it go with the new meetings? Did your H find a new sponsor?
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
H hasn't attended new meetings yet. Still going to the ones in his area because he still lives there during the week. Infact, he left this a.m. to go one back there but has one picked out for tommorrow afternoon.
One of the guys he was talking to before called him this week to see how he was doing. They had a long talk and H began to rethink things in a positive way when hearing someone being less rigid with him. H came home from IC feeling pretty good and having more insight into his behavior and thinking. Seems to be learning a lot. IC gave him materials to work on regarding relapse prevention etc.
Our relationship was put to another test with the church event last night - exh and I had to escort d down the aisle and we all had to sit together. Everyone handled it fine. On the way home, H mentioned how awkward things always are when we are all together - not just for himself, but everyone is that way. I just acknowledged that it is a fact and everyone has to find their own way to deal with it. No easy answers.
This a.m. he mentioned how complicated my life was and how hard it must be for me to deal with everyone and everything all the time. First time he noticed! So to acknowledge that fact he decided that it was W-DAy - everything is my way this weekend. I am such a bore - just want to get the chores done and putter around the house - unless the weather holds out for the pool. But after dealing with everything all week and a job, I just like to relax on the weekend and do things at my own pace. When H was drinking he always wanted to visit places and do things, and oh, right, drink or argue.Not like that now. He goes to meetings, helps me with chores, visits his mother, putters with me. He doesn't even seem to mind the kids when they are around, and has planned a cook out for all and their friends next weekend.
Last night was hard for me at d's church - they showed pictures, several people shared stories about each one, and brought back a lot of memories - had a strange feeling this a.m. when I got up, for a minute the house felt empty - like in the kids were out and it was just me and H. Strange thought about them not being here anymore soon. EEK! Growing Pains!
I hate those growing pains. My hardest thing now is sitting back and hoping they make good choices.
Sounds like you had a good weekend Kass.
Are you two ever going to do MC together? I just wondered as I know some couples go separately for awhile and then together.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
We are waiting for his IC to come to some point where the IC thinks it is time. Asked him for MC when we started seeing each other regularly. IC said later, just last week though despite what AA members were counseling, IC said he was all for H and I reuniting.
I am not sure at this point what we will do there - but I am sure that we will figure it out when the time comes. Perhaps, one thing will be about how to dealing with the moments when one or both of us is reliving the past. H is having a harder time recalling these memories and is mentioning them a little at a time. He seems genuinely regretful.
For me, as long as things continue as they are, I will be ok. H isn't acting at all as in the past. He is in some ways still the same person, but in many ways, very different.
Last week we had a disagreement, some of his old thinking came up and I tried to back out of the argument. He wouldn't let me out of it at first so I just remained patient- a little worried - but I told myself that I had to let him figure this out. By the third phone call, he said he needed to back out of the argument and end it. It was a little awkward the next day at first but returned to normal soon enough. I admitted to him that I was afraid and he acknowledged my fear and then reassured me. We processed it a few days later when things were more relaxed. That would not have happened in the past.
It is these convo's/sitches that may need some help.
I went back and forth with AA and C's about working on marriage...The "standard" for AA is a year but it was pointed out to me that is 1)a guideline and 2) for new R. Also a friend in AA pointed out to me in the Big Book about all the stories of people rekindling their M much much sooner.
This is what caused me and my first sponsor to split. He was a by the book 25 year sober and didn't even want me to think about my W. Who knows now maybe he was right but the way he would try and get through was very demeaning. We split amicably and still talk to this day, he even told me I was probably right and not let the outcome of my M make me double think that.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
I thought it was a guideline and more about new R not current ones. So you are saying that my H's experience could be more about the sponsor than H?
One can see that H and I are not jumping ahead of ourselves and dealing with things as they come up. I certainly think he is dealing with my recurring thoughts about the past three years in a good way. I thought he would get argumentative and blame me for not moving forward, but I can't help memories flashing in front of me. I just don't dwell on them or let them decide for me either.
