Advice on DB-ing when sep spouse lives at home

[cat04]

Trusting,

It is so funny how you have said my posts seem to come at the right time. I am beginning to think they come at the right time for the both of us. Either as a reminder for me, or as in the last one, a sign of what is to come. In my head, I know what must happen, sometimes I choose to resist. I want to share with you that my last step in detachment has finally hit. I was finally strong enough to be shown "the light" so to speak and for the first time in my entire M, I feel like I have finally been willing to lose it all. Not out of anger or self preservation, just simply out of love. Love for myself, H, and S. Mostly myself.

This has been coming in baby steps, hence the "bad days", for a very long time. It started with the detachment from anger and self preservation, to a feeling of "you won't do this to me anymore" but still falling back into the trap when baited, to a desire to not want to detatch, to truly believing I didn't care and being able to say it. In May, it got a little different and it was--I have always done abc for you but I can't do that anymore, if you choose to deal with it, I hope you don't get hurt--to this final, finishing point. Throughout this process for me, I have gotten stronger with each step (my H was/is very emotionally abusive and I was VERY weak after all of these years). And that new strength has led to more steps. I have known and been urged internally for about 5 weeks to take this last one, and I fought it at every turn. Until I was with no question of a doubt shown that if I keep on without the final step, I would keep living where I was, the cycle would repeat and repeat and repeat. For 5 days, I was urged to do something, to look at something, and I said no, to the point when my S brought it up, I screamed at him. I did not understand this exactly, I just wanted to avoid it. Then I could take it no more. I opened my eyes. I saw what I needed to see. I confronted H matter of factly, told him what I needed to without allowing him to get to me again (at least on the outside). Of course, he has a temper tantrum, threatened for the first time, to bring me papers, to which I replied, go ahead if that is what you want to do.

I don't know where that came from because it wasn't me. I fully expect to hear it at least one more time. It took him threatening to move out twice with no reaction from me either time before he stopped that threat.

I know your H is still at home. Please be careful. Because we see them everyday, it is so easy to fall from our safe place. We want to see everything as forward movement, and much of it is, but the truth is that the forward movement is so slooow and there are so many steps backwards in the process. And it hurts everytime it happens. Also having them at home keeps us the target, even though it is not really even conscious. If you asked my H, he would say yes I did that but she should not have been hurt by it, or something to that effect, or he wouldn't even remember doing or saying it. They say they are done with us, it doesn't matter what we do, etc... and they really may feel that way, but because you are there day in and day out, they still put it all on you. It also keeps us from moving forward as quickly as we should. They do notice the little detachments, and they find other ways to try to get back in. My H has told me for months and months that he wants us to be friends and has tried to show me friend stuff on and off. He may truly want to be friends, we haven't been in a long time. But I have not felt that was his real intention or desire. I have felt that it was his way of wanting to keep me in his life on his terms and if he treats all of his friends the way he has treated me, I don't think I want to be his friend.

So my weekend has been a very emotional one, because I have finally truly dropped the rope and I have no intention of picking it back up. If my H wants friendship, he will have to offer true friendship, until then I will be civil. My fears have subsided, fears that if I didn't make him dinner he would think I don't love him, fears that if I didn't have the coffee pot ready he would think I hate him. Those sorts of things. I was still in the mode of trying to be as normal as possible because he is living here, but that has stopped. My desire to be that way because of fears has stopped. Do I feel bad that he has to go to work without fresh coffee? Sure but he knows how to set up the pot just as much as I do. Do I feel bad that he is hungry and I haven't cooked yet? Sure but he knows how to use the oven. In four days he has already tried to punish me with the silent treatment, tried to weasle back in with the cute little boy words, and tried to upset me with anger. None of it has effected me. So we will see what comes next. I have finally given it all to God. I know all that I said to him came from God because it was not my words or thoughts on the subject exactly. My behaviors have not been my own. I wish I could have done this sooner, but I was not ready to lose all and now I am. I knew it was the key for me, but I hadn't made the final break until last week.

I am sharing this all with you because I want you to be able to see, especially when the next hard day comes, that you are doing this as best you can and although you may not be where others are, or you may not be moving as quickly as you or others think you should, you can get there. First you have to know it in your head and the day will come when you know it in your heart. That is when the real changing comes. For me, it is still not time to end my marriage. I was afraid that when I got to this point that it would mean I would feel like I had to get a divorce. But I don't feel that way at all. I may feel that way someday but not now. Keep moving forward and see what unfolds. That is my plan.