he was back, i think

[mdoodles]

thanks, im trying. trying to keep busy, schedule things, pack the house, find where to live and perhaps even a part time job.

im doing all of that, but im also not letting go of h. i decided its not that i dont know how, its that i DONT WANT TO.

maybe at some point, i will. maybe being busy, getting out, moving forward with new things in life will change it.

i know when i talk to my therapist today she is not going to be pleased.

but truthfully, no one can tell me what to do, no one can shut my feelings off for me.

was i wrong to be intimate with h yesterday? maybe. who knows.

im trying with baby steps to detach. its a slow process, but im succeeding in certain areas of it.

im adjusting to not talking to him in the morning, im adjusting to not texting him. maybe its all an adjustment.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

was i wrong to be intimate with h yesterday? maybe. who knows.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA . . . . WHAT?????

I missed that part??? You two ML yesterday??????

[mdoodles]

no, i did not go that far, told him i wouldnt...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Then color me confused.

In any event, you are RIGHT to not do that while so desperately trying to DETACH. It would only pull you back in, emotionally, and show him that you're weak.

Puppy

[mdoodles]

spoke to my therapist, she is totally on my case. i told her its not that i cant let go, just dont want to.

the things that i need to do to fully let go and begin that process for real, im not ready to do because i dont want to.

i am hoping my baby steps will lead me to total detachment.

i cant make myself feel a certain way so fast, even though she said it may feel unnatural.

just not there yet.

im glad i said no to him yesterday, maybe that will give me strength...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

spoke to my therapist, she is totally on my case. i told her its not that i cant let go, just dont want to.

the things that i need to do to fully let go and begin that process for real, im not ready to do because i dont want to.

Let me ask you this, Doodles: Do you want to want to?

[mdoodles]

interesting question....

yes, i want to, because if i was an outside looking in, i would see this situation is not healthy and may never be ok.

and no, i dont want to, because i still love him very much and want my family together and believe we still have enough of a connection that could one day help us recover.

so the answer is yes and no.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Because I think it's OK if you honestly say you feel what's holding you back is that you don't want to let go.

I don't, however, think it's healthy if you don't WANT to want to, and I think THAT is where you're going to have to focus your efforts on.

It's like a porn addiction. I can give it up, or I can not WANT to give it up. But if I don't even WANT to want to give it up, then I have a problem.

Does that make any sense??

Puppy

[mdoodles]

i think it makes sense. i think.

its good to start to realize why i cant let go?, is that what u are saying?

its important to realize that its not that i cant, its that i dont want to? is that what we are getting at?

i think i do want to let go, i understand why i should want to, i think im taking little steps to let go, without really letting go completely...because in the end, i dont want to.

to me, the letting go means moving on and not ever wanting him back. that is what everyone tells me i should be doing.

but i know that u feel we can let go, but still leave the door slightly opened. i dont know yet how to do that.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

No, what I'm getting at is that before you can ever let go, you have to WANT to let go, and if you find you don't (at least not yet), then you have at least WANT to want to.

Puppy