Today is my birthday (38 now) and I didn't get a single "happy birthday" this morning...not that I was expecting sincerity from W, but atleast she could have told my two young ones.
Yep,similar thing with me. W baked a cake for the kids to give me. Kids did cards, but nothing from W - 1st time that had ever happened. No card, no gift and no ML. Thought it was odd at the time, but a couple of weeks later, she dropped the bomb. Pretty bad - just hang in there. She is not in her right mind.
Quote:
You see, I have been suffering for a long time in this relationship. I've been unhappy and sometimes I think that this situation is actually a blessing in disguise. It's painful for a family to break up, I know, but I truly wonder if it's in my best long term interest to be with someone else who can treat me like #1. I don't want to be selfish and not consider the kids, but I believe I'm fooling myself that there can be a "happily ever after" with this stranger called my W. Most of my energy is zapped...I'm getting very close to my breaking point.
I understand. This process has caused me to look very critically at my M, and I now know I was not happy either. That's why I am not going back to the old M. The new R will either be a much different one with my W of with someone else. The kids do make it hard, very hard. But, you have to play the cards you were dealt and do the best you can. God knows I understand.
I also understand about the PMA being removed by the M. I feel the same way. But, in the end, that was our fault, not our W's. Only we are responsible for our happiness. That's one of the issues my W is confused about. She thinks someone else might "make her happy." Only SHE can make her happy.
Hang in there and have a great vacation. Give youself a break from the M problems. You might find the strength to continue the fight.
LFH, before you and Givingitmyall get to feeling too sorry for yourselves, I suggest you go back to the "Articles" section here on the menu of main page where Michelle has written a brief discription of the WAW. Remember, that your W put up with a lot of cr@p for a long time before she felt dead inside and probably emotionally divorced you . You think this has been hard and that you have been going through it for a long time, but how long did she put up with the unhappiness you were causing her before she finally broke? I am not defending what she is doing now, but I only want to remind you that you are not without blame. So get off you pity potty and get over youself! (How's that for a 2x4?) I want to encourage any LBH that I can, but when I see this kind of talk from you guys, it concerns me a lot.
It is one thing to detach and yet another to think the way your thoughts are going right now, LFH. You say you don't mean to sound selfish, but you are when you are thinking of somebody putting you #1 instead of you putting your kids first. I know.....you didn't really mean it to sound that way. I'm just trying to get you to rethink what you are saying here. I'm going to guess you are blowing off steam. But I still think it would do you good to go back and read that article.
I bought a book on the "Walk Out Woman" by Dr. Steve Stephens & Alice Gray at Amazon. It might do you a lot of good to read it. It gives a good insight to how your wife really feels right now.
Take care, Sandi
P.S. Having a birthday may have helped bring on the "potty" feeling. Try to have a good one and don't base in on whether or not she tells you "Happy Birthday". I did much of the same stuff to my H. WAW's stay clear of all that b/c of reasons of their own. I'll talk more about that another time.
Last edited by sandi2; 06/30/0912:27 AM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you for your reply. I agree with most of what you wrote and I'll take it to heart. However, here are two points where I respectfully disagree:
(1) I definitely have taken alot of the blame for my situation. I've said this many times in my previous posts. If I were just a better husband I tell myself.. I would not have put my W and myself through this pain. I am terribly guilty over this...what have I done? However, if my wife was better to me as well...what could have been? I have learned that relationships are two-way streets, both in the construction and destruction phases. I too have taken alot of crap over the years, yet I'm not the one running away.
(2) In some of the relationship books I've read over the last few months, it's absolutely critical for the husband to put the wife #1 and vice versa. And especially when they have kids! The spouse becomes unappreciated otherwise. If the kids begin to dominate the relationship, communication b/w the husband and wife quickly breaks down. Like you said in one of your posts..."lack of communication is the beginning of the end". This is what happened in my situation. It is not selfish for the spouse to expect to be #1. In fact, that where they were during courtship. If I felt more appreciated in my relationship, maybe...just maybe, I would have reacted differently over the past few years. And I bet my W is thinking the same about me. It's a shame that so many relationships come this this point!
Sandi, again your comments are greatly appreciated. I am not upset with your opinion, I just wanted to clarify a few points. Yes, it is hard to keep from venting when the the emotions are so raw. It hurts me and I know my W has felt alot of pain as well. I've heard crying coming out of her bedroom on several occasions.
Thanks, LFH
ME: 38 W: 35 D2.5 and S5 Married 12 years Separated (same house, different rooms) INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009 The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
I bought a book on the "Walk Out Woman" by Dr. Steve Stephens & Alice Gray at Amazon. It might do you a lot of good to read it. It gives a good insight to how your wife really feels right now.
sandi2,
Thank you for this. I just checked it out on Amazon and am going to buy it. It appears even more on-topic than the two I am simultaneously reading now (Eat, Pray, Love, Which my wife read and suggested I do, too, about two months before Bomb [I didn't], and and A Year by the Sea: Thoughts of an Unfinished Woman).
Having read it, would you suggest I Non-DBingly give a copy to my W?
Sorry to hijack, LFH & Givingitmyall, but I've been following along & the book really caught my eye.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Just ordered the book "Walk Out Woman." They are making some $$$ on us tonight. You aren't getting a kick back are you?
I have to echo LMH's sentiments. I have always claimed my 50% of the responsibility for why I am here - put kids before communicating and each other. But there is another half out there that has yet not been claimed. Not blaming, just making an observation. I understand why it has not been claimed.
Despite the problems, I am not the one giving up. Agains, from your input, and all the reading I have done, I understand why my W is in the place she is in right now.
Why don't we all write a book? We could divvy up the proceeds between the people on this site. A guaranteed bestseller. I can see the TV interviews now...God knows we have given enough money to other authors already. Are WE the reason some of these books are so high on the bestsellers list? LOL.
when all this started for me, I actually had a thought about the state of M today. My thought was there must be sooooo many problems and issues b/c there are a plethora of self help books about M and communication.
As I was driving home from work this afternoon, for some reason, I began crying like a baby over this mess. Some say this is actually quite healthy, but I digress. Anyways, during the middle of all this, my W called and said "the kids and I want to take you to dinner for your birthday." She wanted to know what time I was coming home from work. I was floored, God is playing mind tricks on me!
After a quick workout at the gym, the family and I went to Chili's for dinner. I selected something low key and my son loves the place. This was very fun for me and definitely lifted my spirits. Of course, the W said the kids were actually taking me out and not her. I let her have her way. We all had fun, even the W. The "kids" gave me a birthday card and a golf gift certificate. It was nice.
When we arrived home from dinner, ice cream was served as dessert. The kids got their baths and all of the packing for our respective vacations was finished. It was a nice way to finish the day. I thanked the W and said she made me very happy. She smiled. It's the small stuff, right?
It's time to go to bed. Our flight leaves at 8:00 a.m.
To all a good night. May our prayers be answered.
-LFH
ME: 38 W: 35 D2.5 and S5 Married 12 years Separated (same house, different rooms) INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009 The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
