Y, thank you so much for your feedback. I have spent quite some time reading through your threads and yours is the sitch I found that was most similar to mine so I really appreciated your insights.
OW has been around for 3 years and we've been separated for 2 years. They don't live together and haven't done which is a shame because I'm sure it would have died earlier if they had.
In the early stages I worked purely out of emotion; begging and persuing. It got me no where!!! Reading DR and LL changed my perspective completely. I could see why I wouldn't want to be married to me!! I stopped "beating him up" and instead gave him words of affirmation and recognised and thanked him for his Acts of Service towards me. I was so often hurt by his cold and distant manner but I treated him as if he was H of years ago-my best friend.
I told him that I was letting him go and then made no further contact unless I really had to for business or children. Whenever he came here I was pleasant and upbeat. Slowly but surely he started popping in when he dropped the kids off, chatting occasionally and the temper tantrums began to occur less frequently and subside quicker. I also learnt to stop rewarding bad behaviour. I also discovered that being so agreeable meant there wasn't much left to fight over!!
The last two months have shown the greatest changes....he now asks how I am, there's eye contact,if I text he'll reply with more than 'ok' or he'll phone me back, there's humour, conversation initiated by him, a strengthening relationship with our children and those Acts of Service. It's still incredibly slow and I am so impatient............ Yes, I too find it hard to keep my mouth shut and not to try to hurry it along or to throw an ultimatum at him.
Most of my friends and family have told me to stop being nice to him and forget him but I figure this is my life and my choice and if I'm happy then good for me. (Just occasionally I think they're right!)
Thanks for your thoughts Y. They have helped affirmed me at a time when I was starting to doubt myself. I have waited so long now and I don't want to sabotage my efforts due to my impatience.
