What to do when Husband's Gone & Makes No Contact?

[beepee]

i know what all of you are saying, i really do
but i just dont know how to force myself to get out and get a life.

ive lost so much of myself and ive lost all hope and i cant stop crying. this pain is just tooooo much to handle. the constant heartache, the constant feeling of emptiness, the constant anxiety, i am so paralyzed. im sooo completely paralyzed.
i was ok this morning..i had hope, i had faith, i was beginning to think about how i wanted my life to be..but after receiving this email, all the pain just rushed back and the feelings just get worse and worse and worse. im trying to read or watch tv or something but my mind cant focus on anything at all..nothing but him and what hes said. im trying so hard but i dont know how much more pain i can take.

[dmkdmkdmk]

It's a roller coaster for sure! (hugs)

Reaching out to other people was very hard for me, and very uncomfortable... I started with a facebook message to my single friends asking if they had any fabulous single plans for the weekend... And from there, it's turned into something fun to do every weekend.

And don't give up hope. I have hope that, even if things don't work out with my H, everything will be OK anyway.

I recite the whole serenity prayer several times daily, as well... it's the last part that's more helpful for me than the first part. And I'm not even very religious...

Grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change ~
COURAGE to change the things I can;
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as the
pathway to peace. Taking this sinful world as it IS, not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy forever in
the next.

By Reinhold Neibuhr

[wolverine1997]

Don't sit around. That makes it too easy to give in to the pain. Do something physical. Walk around the block, cut the grass, pull weeds, anything to get moving. Start making a goal list. Get busy getting busy. Sitting around will encourage you to make bad decisions.

[beepee]

thanks for all your advice again. i emailed him back in a really positive tone and said things that this separation is good for both of us to heal and that if he wants the divorce, i respect his wishes etc etc..i didnt tell him i loved him tho..i always tell him i love..and he wrote back..saying

"I hope to get more capable and get stronger, just like you, and we both know that some day we might
get the chance to start again, but we might not too, and that there's no point in dwelling on it right now"

thats a big change from what he originally wrote saying that us being together is just not possible..he still wants the divorce but that one sentence to me signifies some sort of hope.. what do you guys think??

[Gardener]

but that one sentence to me signifies some sort of hope.. what do you guys think??

It's a change. Perhaps that's good. Don't attach any meaning to it. Could (and probably will) change again tomorrow.

It was a good note, beepee. Sounds like a real 180 for you. The beginning of the beginning of detachment.

Good for not saying ILY. Tough, ain't it? I know. I forget where I read it (probably DR), but saying, "I love you," under these circumstances is really like saying, "I know you're not even thinking this right now, but may I take this opportunity to say something that will remind you that you don't love me and start your mind thinking of all the reasons you don't right now?"

Hang in there. Baby steps.

[beepee]

thanks gardener:

im trying really hard not to think about the words that hes written and see them as a change. but to honest, clinging on to those words gives me some hope. i know it may be false hopes, but its hope nonetheless and it sort of gets me through the day. i know its not supposed to and the whole idea is for me to get a life detached from my H and not use him as my motivation in life but my motivation should be to improve myself instead but its hard and im trying. im trying to hang in there. it was very hard not to tell him i loved him even though he ends every email with i love you.

the email i sent him that was positive and so different from my usual needy, desperate emails actually helped me through the day. it made me feel good about myself and i was proud of myself for biting my tongue and being able to be simple and straightforward. he definitely saw the changes as he mentioned that my tone in the email gave him some comfort and relief that i wasnt in total agony and anxiety.

i actually got up today and went to the gym! i broke down when i got his emails but i thought about how much i need to do this and no matter how much i cry, the pain will always be there unless i make my life better and more positive.

so yes, baby steps baby steps baby steps..
hope in love and life drives me to succeed..

[beepee]

so another sleepless night
waking up to horrible feelings of loneliness and emptiness in the pit of my stomach.
nothing seems to take this pain away
its always worse in the mornings..
anyone ever feel like that?
dreaming abour your spouse and waking up to the harsh reality that you are actually alone in bed.
mornings are the worse for me..this feeling has got to go..it really does..i dont like getting up and crying:(

[mnt_dreams]

beepee -

Yes, I felt that most mornings for several months, along with the sleepless nights. It's better now and it will be for you too. I know how hard it is... but you have to make yourself take some little steps to GAL and work on that PMA.

Good for you for going to the gym yesterday. Exercise will help a bunch! So, let's think about your plans for today and today only. Post it right here... what are you going to do for yourself today?! Set some little goals, baby steps, and you'll accomplish them today and feel better by tonight.

[givingitmyall]

Beepee,

Haven't read your entire thread, but it sounds like you are having trouble picking yourself up. I have a certain time of the day that my emotions tend to drop off - mine seems to be around 3:00 pm. No idea why. Just know it does.

I completely understand how you feel. BUT, this is one of those times where you just have to dig down, find the inner strength we both know you have, and pull yourself up. DR talks about "acting as if" you will be fine, even if you do not feel that way initially. Sort of a "fake it til you make it" thing.

GAL'ing is absolutely critical. Go for a run, walk, hike, just get out of the house and do something, anything. Think of something you have always wanted to do...and go do it. Yes, it will be hard at first. But the good news is it gets easier.

Hang in there. You can always come to these boards for support - we all do. And, you CAN do this.

[beepee]

hi mnt_dreams:

thanks for your reply.
its only been 2.5 weeks since my H left! i cant imagine months more of this..itll drive me crazy! sigh..

i would love to go to the gym again today..but i got 3 horribly huge blisters from yesterday because i had to break into my new sneakers..its going to be painful to even put my foot into the shoes today! but the physical pain doesnt even compare to the emotional distress im in.

so yeah, im gonna go to the gym later on today.
i think maybe ill clean our bedroom..it hasnt been touched since he packed everything up and left. so its a mess but im scared of getting really emotional..going through everything..being reminded of what once was. maybe cleaning the room isnt the best thing to do but i dont know what else to do. dont drive..nowhere to go. maybe go for a walk. this is so hard.