I know what a spouse abruptly leaving and immediately filing for divorce feels like. I know what it feels like to have a husband's total focus on eliminating any and all interactions with me. I know what it's like listening to a judge give a pep talk about being good parents as he legally ends the marriage. When my spouse left the house, he made a clean break for himself.
A separation with positive feedback is something I never experienced.
In my opinion, over time DBing becomes more about the individual. As personal growth increases, so does awareness and seeking out better, healthier ways of approaching things. DB becomes one of many tools in my interpersonal arsenal.
DBing is the saving grace, the life raft at the eleventh hour. It gives a positive path to follow during those painful evolving months, gives direction.
At some point relationship talks have to start again.. usually when you've learned positive boundaries, how to avoid the "push the buttons - get too emotional" loop, become grounded, accepted the good, the bad and imperfect in all people, yourself included.
Orangepooch.. I think it's great that your wife stated "You've changed so much and we could call this off. But I'm afraid things would go back to the way they were."
Well.. duh. It's great you've improved, but what about her growth? And it will go back to the way it was if both people aren't committed to investing in their relationship. With her it's still fear talking. Have you read "How to change your relationship without talking"? That seems like an interesting read.. along with all the other staples ("His Needs Her Needs", "The Five Love Languages" etc).
How do you work on the relationship when it's already declared dead?
Howzabout.. respecting yourself, respecting her decision.. and letting go. Okay, so it's incredibly difficult. The less you pressure, try to control another person, the more control you have. It's like my son who was adamant about not asking to use the car if he had to say he respected me, that he'd find another way to get to work, etc. I almost started to beg him ("How can you say no to what I'm offering?") Then I realized.. why was I thinking of pleading for him to use a privilege? Instead I validated what he said and supported his decision. Bingo.. it was all in his court... and I was free from my own insecurities. A day and a half later we resolved it in a positive manner.
A relationship doesn't move forward if you're always looking back, nor can you grow. With the growth comes renewed confidence, energy and awareness. You can listen but not fix, support but not take over. It's respect in its purest sense.
