Agh! He's detached completely!

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

As I said in another post here, I've decided to give up the idea of trying to keep the house for a couple reasons, but most of all because I'm hoping that concession will allow H to feel comfortable going to mediation. I'm still waiting to hear back from him his response to find out if he will agree to this trade. It's in his best interests as well, so I hope he sees that.

Believe it or not, my H is now segregating his produce so that his fancy, expensive apples are in another dish from mine. I mentioned this to him and he didn't say a thing, but it's so ridiculous and again, makes me feel like crap because he doesn't even want our APPLES to touch for god's sake!! This man is really weird, he's devolving into a neurotic weirdo, I swear to god.

I did really good yesterday and didn't lose it with him. I think becasue I was so worn out after all the work I did around the house as well as a workout. I definatley deserve kudos for this, because it was not easy given my troublemakeing mood as well as the fact I'm waiting for him to tell me what his decision is, and I don't want to mess it up. I also got a heck of a lot of work done around the house, which is great. I'm kind of waiting to do one of the next projects I need to start, seperating my stuff from his and packing mine up. It's too sad to think about right now, so I'm pushing this off for awhile.

One of the best parts about not staying in this house is the fact that the really big stuff like my couch and bed are still in storgage because he had no room for them here, so I wouldn't have to move all that stuff to my folks, just keep it there until I need it down the road.

Another good thing is that since he was so damn controlling, we haven't yet started integrating most of our wedding gifts into our stuff for the most part, and since he said that I can have all the wedding gifts...he never wanted them. So I will have some really nice new stuff for my final destination, wherever that is after I move in with my parents for awhile. <sigh> They're not bad people, it's just that my dad will annoy the heck out of me and they are located far away from a lot of things that are important to me.

What the heck am I supposed to do about all our wedding china? We got 8 placesettings for god's sake and have never used them once. I'll have to check out macy's return policy. I was going to make an tv amourie (sp?) into a china cabinet by replacing the wood front with glass, but it still hasn't happened yet, in part because it is in storage. This isn't my favorite china pattern either, but one we compromised on. I hate being put in this position, let me tell you. It's so sad dismantleing a life together.

I bought a fireproof lockbox for myself to store important information that I don't want him to see. That's a damn sad purchase considering I bought it with one of our wedding gift cards! I also know he's going to go ballastic when he finds out I'm asking for temporary maintenance right now, and probably on lockdown mode as well, so I want to prepare in advance for this.

I swear, I didn't mean for this post to get so down, it's just what I've been dealing with day to day to prepare for this divorce. I am still insisting that he go to the marriage workshop as well as marriage counseling in my response back to him. I know I've waffled on this point, but I need to for my peace of mind. The court can't make him start to talk to me again, but they can make him do these things, so dammit, I will take full advantage of this fact as my last ditch effort to save this marriage or at least buy us some more time. As I'm reading H Hendrix's book (GTLYW -the workshop is based on this work), it seems like this is really good, deep stuff that would help make our relationship not just good, but great, because we'd be dealing with core issues we both have and growing together as people.

This is the kind of prayer I try to make to talk to God, but I don't know if it's working at all. It might be working but I just don't want to accept that I wont' get the reunification I want:

Please God, please make the judge feel compassion for me in this fiercely silent marriage and make him attend the workshop and counseling that I'm asking for. I want him to get better and I want him to get the love from me that he needs. I want to be happy and fully myself in this relationship and I want to give us the luxury of time to work on our problems. I am willing to work hard at this because he's a good man god, and I want good things for him.

I don't want him to be suffering or anxious. Please allow him to get the help he needs by opening his eyes to all the other options out there that might help him. Please make his stubborn walls come down, brick by brick, so he quits hiding in his isolation. I want his trust again Lord, more than anything this hurts that he doesn't trust me when all I've done is do my best to love him.

I know I've made a lot of mistakes in this marriage, but you know I'm willing to work hard to fix them however possible. However, I know I can't do it alone and he doesn't seem like he's even willing to try anymore. Please soften his heart to me so that he wants to try, even a little bit, some more.

You know, all I've ever wanted to do is to love him, I hate that he sees me now as his enemy when all I want is the best for him and for us. Thank you for listening.