Once detached, how do you re-tach (If that is a word)if things turn around? Does detaching cause you to lose interest in your spouse?
Me-47 WAW-42 D-16 S-14 M-22 yrs T-19 yrs ILYBNILWY-3 years ago. Full Story and original posts: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...066#Post1781066
Next question. I have been working hard at doing a 180. I stopped calling her at work everyday (unless it is actually important or involves the kids), I stopped trying to start conversations with her while at home, I stopped asking her to do things as a family and have begun making plans with just me and the kids. When she goes out or not at home when I get home I have resisted the urge to call or ask questions about whereabouts (unless the kids are with her, but I still think it is incredibly rude not to call if you are going to be several hours late coming home from work). So far none of this has had any effect, positive or negative. I think she prefers it this way. Should I stay the course? What should be my next step?
Me-47 WAW-42 D-16 S-14 M-22 yrs T-19 yrs ILYBNILWY-3 years ago. Full Story and original posts: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...066#Post1781066
Stay the course in my opinion. That is on the way to detaching. As far as re-attaching, who says you will. You may ultimately find your peace in life from all of this. If it happens, it happens, can't fight your heart.
I just posted this to someone else...may not help you, but hopefully it will.
Detaching takes a lightbulb moment. And it still takes practice. Please read my thread entitled I hate my Husband. I don't know if it will help, but I documented my lightbulb moment as best I could (somewhere around page 6 & on).
If you are asking if it is possible to re-attach...you don't understand detachment. I didn't either...I asked the same thing at first. The best way I can describe it is to think back to how I felt towards my parents as a teenager. That is where your wife is at. My parents could have told me they went through the same things in life when they were teenagers...and given me ALL the words of wisdom they had, they could have talked until they were blue in the face, BUT I HAD TO GET IT ON MY OWN!!! I had to experience life for myself. When your parents told you that a relationship you were in was bad & they had been there themselves...what did you think? I can tell you what I thought. Oh no, not me - MY SITUATION IS DIFFERENT! WAS are exactly the same.
What are teenagers ultimately fighting their parents for? Control - same as WAS. What made you LIKE your parents or LIKE coming home? Safety, comfort, no pressure, etc. - same as WAS.
Now think of WAS as a teenager...YOUR teenager. You don't love them any less because you realize they have to become the person they need to be & make these life discoveries on their own...detachment is unconditional love at it's best. It's loving someone enough to allow them to "get it" themselves. That's why you don't have to re-attach.
Once you "get" detachment, it's almost like your blinders come off. You will read other people's posts & immediately know where they "are at" because they will talk about what "they did" and how "WAS" responds. Once you truly detach...it doesn't matter how WAS responds anymore, it's ALL ABOUT YOU & KNOWING you made your changes & responded appropriately. You will do 180's without thinking about it. Added bonus - the changes are then genuine, lasting & sincere...WAS will notice a difference in the "new you".
I also talk on my thread about what I think is the first step to detachment which is to stop being fearful. When you live in fear, it overcomes you. When you get rid of that fear, you can grow & learn to detach.
I still struggle with it. Once you get it, you still have learning to do. To give an example of the first time I truly got it. H tells me he finally has a comp day from his new job & is going out on a friend's boat. Normally when I was doing my 180's I would have shut my mouth, but deep, down I would have been mad & thinking you should be spending that time with MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! When he told me about the boat, the first thing that popped out of my mouth was - Oh that sounds like fun! You guys are going to have a great time...and I MEANT it. Back to the teenager analogy, when WAS does something fun w/o you, it's the same as me going to college. My parents could have been selfish & said they wanted me to stay by them, but instead they welcomed the idea of me attending school across the country. They knew that this was something I needed on my journey to independence & growing up. While WAS does their thing, you do your thing to become the best YOU you can be. Hopefully the paths you guys take will bring you to the same spot to work on M again. But if not, you are now, as I heard someone else say in another thread - an excellent individual.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
Hopeful, thanks for the post. It really helped and hit home. I saved it so that I can read it over again.
Today hasn't been to great. Got into a small spat with wife. I work a swing shift and today was my normal day off. I got up, woke up the kids so that they could go with me to our religious activities. We are very active in our religion. My wife stopped being involved in our religion when she decided to end our marriage. Anyway, my wife woke up and told me that she took the day off today so that she could take the kids out on an outing. I had no idea that she was taking the day off and had plans with the kids. She never said a thing about it all week. I told her that I already got the kids up and had made plans also. Had she said something I would have made other plans. She tried to flip the script on me and complained that I didn't tell her that I was taking the kids anywhere today either. But I was only doing what I always do. On my off days the kids and I usually do things together. Normally, she would be at work and she didn't tell me that she was taking the day off and wanted to do something with the kids. She then implied that I was ruining her plans.
I told her that I would bring the kids back in about two hours. She said to bring them back in an hour. I brought them back in about an hour and a half. When I got back she wasn't home. I rushed back for nothing. I called her and told her that we were home. She said that it was too late to do what she had planned to do and that she would be home in a few hours. When she got home I asked her where she had gone. (I'm a little upset with myself for asking as I know that it is a form of pursuing) She had gone to get her hair done and went shopping. She then took the kids to the mall and I went to the gym.
I worked off a little frustration but it has still been very hard. It is really hard and really lonely being in a marriage like this. I'm married and single at the same time. Married and single but with none of the pleasures of either. Sometimes I feel that things would be better for me if she did just leave. But I know that I just gotta stay strong and stay the course.
Me-47 WAW-42 D-16 S-14 M-22 yrs T-19 yrs ILYBNILWY-3 years ago. Full Story and original posts: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...066#Post1781066
I just posted this to someone else...may not help you, but hopefully it will.
Detaching takes a lightbulb moment. And it still takes practice. Please read my thread entitled I hate my Husband. I don't know if it will help, but I documented my lightbulb moment as best I could (somewhere around page 6 & on).
If you are asking if it is possible to re-attach...you don't understand detachment. I didn't either...I asked the same thing at first. The best way I can describe it is to think back to how I felt towards my parents as a teenager. That is where your wife is at. My parents could have told me they went through the same things in life when they were teenagers...and given me ALL the words of wisdom they had, they could have talked until they were blue in the face, BUT I HAD TO GET IT ON MY OWN!!! I had to experience life for myself. When your parents told you that a relationship you were in was bad & they had been there themselves...what did you think? I can tell you what I thought. Oh no, not me - MY SITUATION IS DIFFERENT! WAS are exactly the same.
What are teenagers ultimately fighting their parents for? Control - same as WAS. What made you LIKE your parents or LIKE coming home? Safety, comfort, no pressure, etc. - same as WAS.
Now think of WAS as a teenager...YOUR teenager. You don't love them any less because you realize they have to become the person they need to be & make these life discoveries on their own...detachment is unconditional love at it's best. It's loving someone enough to allow them to "get it" themselves. That's why you don't have to re-attach.
Once you "get" detachment, it's almost like your blinders come off. You will read other people's posts & immediately know where they "are at" because they will talk about what "they did" and how "WAS" responds. Once you truly detach...it doesn't matter how WAS responds anymore, it's ALL ABOUT YOU & KNOWING you made your changes & responded appropriately. You will do 180's without thinking about it. Added bonus - the changes are then genuine, lasting & sincere...WAS will notice a difference in the "new you".
I also talk on my thread about what I think is the first step to detachment which is to stop being fearful. When you live in fear, it overcomes you. When you get rid of that fear, you can grow & learn to detach.
I still struggle with it. Once you get it, you still have learning to do. To give an example of the first time I truly got it. H tells me he finally has a comp day from his new job & is going out on a friend's boat. Normally when I was doing my 180's I would have shut my mouth, but deep, down I would have been mad & thinking you should be spending that time with MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! When he told me about the boat, the first thing that popped out of my mouth was - Oh that sounds like fun! You guys are going to have a great time...and I MEANT it. Back to the teenager analogy, when WAS does something fun w/o you, it's the same as me going to college. My parents could have been selfish & said they wanted me to stay by them, but instead they welcomed the idea of me attending school across the country. They knew that this was something I needed on my journey to independence & growing up. While WAS does their thing, you do your thing to become the best YOU you can be. Hopefully the paths you guys take will bring you to the same spot to work on M again. But if not, you are now, as I heard someone else say in another thread - an excellent individual.
Thank you so much for this!!!!
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
This bothers me a little. My wife and kids just left to go to my wife's aunt and uncle's surprise anniversary party. She didn't invite me, didn't tell me about the party or even tell me where they were going. She went out and bought fruit trys and the like and never said a thing to me. My daughter told me about it the other day but my wife never said a word. I know that her family is going to ask where I am since I have always gone to such events in the past. I stood strong though. Never asked any questions. Never showed any interest, just kept watching the game. This is a new low even for her, but just another one of many. So I am not really surprised.
Me-47 WAW-42 D-16 S-14 M-22 yrs T-19 yrs ILYBNILWY-3 years ago. Full Story and original posts: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...066#Post1781066
It is amazing what we tolerate from people we are married to. Would you tolerate this from someone you were dating? Is this a boundary issue for you?
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
If we were dating this would be a big issue. But to be honest, I don't really know what to do. My natural reaction is to say something but I'm trying to detach and do a 180. What to do, what to do, what to do?
Me-47 WAW-42 D-16 S-14 M-22 yrs T-19 yrs ILYBNILWY-3 years ago. Full Story and original posts: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...066#Post1781066
