They say it could work, but I need help.

[Kane00]

I am not sure what to say or even how to start. My wife and I met in High School. We were that couple that did everything together, school, work, friends, etc… Three years into our relationship I proposed to my wife and two years after that we got married. As soon as we got married we started our family. We are both 27 and have been together for 11 years (married for 6) with three beautiful girls.

Here is where I am at right now. My wife has had some issues with talking to other guys online. This happened once a few weeks after we got married, but was short lived as she left the computer on one day and it was discovered. Then about a year and a half ago another online relationship was discovered. It lasted for a total of 6 months (on and off). This was discovered when she fell asleep with her phone in her hand and was online emailing him. That two eventually ended. Over the past few months she actually met someone (she says unintentional) after going out to Karaoke with some girl friends from work. This one got a little more serious because he was a physical person. There was even one time where she said she was staying the night at a friend’s house and stayed the night with him. Now supposedly they didn’t do “anything”, but obviously I have my doubts. The only thing that can make me believe that she didn’t do anything would be that she is not that kind of person (when it comes to “sleeping with someone”).

Now that you have heard the bad, let me tell you what lead up to this point and what made her go there. What got her to that point was my lack of trust on my part. My wife is a beautiful woman and I have always thought someone would come and weep her of her feet and take her away from me. That is the last thing I ever wanted, but at times was really scared that it would happen. She worked in a big corporate office and I (most of the time) worked from home and felt underappreciated. Well because of this, instead of acting like she was a goddess and treating her that way, I unintentionally made her feel bad about herself. I say unintentionally because I didn’t want her to feel bad, but I guess at the time didn’t know how to be a good husband. I made her feel like she was “less than” (which today I regret and can see my wrong doings).

There was a time in our relationship where we both were not happy (and it was obvious). Well, I didn’t like that and thought it was her fault and I was so scared again of losing her. So scared in fact I asked her for a divorce in hopes it would make her run back to me and apologize and make thing better. Well, it didn’t really work that way. We didn’t get a divorce (because I didn’t really mean it), but things didn’t really change.

Long story short I was an ass. I can see that today and have and are working on making a complete change in my character. This change is for me. It’s so I can be a better husband and father to my three little girls.

Well, about 6 months ago my wife actually asked for a divorce. She, unlike me (over two years ago) meant it. I honestly was scared because divorce is not something I ever want especially with a family. She said she was not happy and didn’t want this anymore. She said she didn’t love me and was not in love with me. The part that caught me off guard was we had just moved and were starting to work on things. I thought our marriage was getting better. I thought we were getting better. Needless to say I didn’t know what to do. I asked her to stay and for the most part she did. She did have a lot more nights out with her friends and said she needed to clear her head so she could come back and cope with things, but she did stay.

There was one point where she even agreed to work on things again. During that time is when she met that guy she started seeing (during work lunches and once at night). I found out she was talking to this guy because I checked the phone bill (to see if I could upgrade my phone). Again, I thought we were working on thing, so I didn’t have a reason to suspect anything. When I saw she was talking to this guy, I was devastated. I was working so hard to change me and correct the things I was doing and I felt like she kicked me in the face. She then once again told me she wanted a divorce and didn’t want anything to do with me. My life once again took a complete 360 from one day to the next.

Since then some things have happened in our life (living situation) and decided to move once again (out of county). We both decided that we would move, start over, but with the understanding that this relationship is not what she really wants, but is here and hopes she can feel/find something in me/our relationship again. This is her giving me a change to change. Well, I can say I have changed 100%, but because of some many years of hurt, there are still some things that remind her of the past. This also goes both ways as I have trust issues with her phone at times and don’t think she is doing anything, but I get that feeling from when she did do something. Those feelings are hard to get over. I hope there is a way to deal with them.

I want to start over and she is willing to give me the chance, but I don’t know for how long. This is still not what she really wants. I would love and do anything to keep our family together and have her fall back in love with me again. I love my wife to death and she knows this. Please help me! I don’t want to lose the love of my life and the mother to my children. I know she still feels a little something for me, I think. She is still here right. Maybe she is only here for the kids. Either way, I have her now and want to make the best of it. I know I sound like a jerk, but I am really not. I didn’t want to say the bad things my wife did without saying how and why she got to that point. I (me), the new me does not point blame, but wants to figure out the solution.

I have read on the sight many things that helped me (stories, quotes, etc…). I purchased the book, but since the move, have not had time to read it yet. How do I deal with this, knowing that she doesn’t really want to be here, but is trying to give it a chance? We have not been intimate in over two months and that kills me. If I have to wait, I will. I just really want her back and don’t want a divorce. That doesn’t seem like an option to me.

It’s funny. My wife turned me on to this website. It helped her when she was going through some of our issues in the past. This site is probably the only thing that got us this far, but now the shoe is on the other foot and I need its help. How do I deal with a wife that doesn’t want a marriage, but is willing to stay for the time being to see if she can feel the change and possibly get the feelings she needs back?

[wolverine1997]

Dude, you MUST read the book. It is a life changer. I Just finished it a week ago and it has changed my perspective on many things and helped me to see how and why I need to make changes within myself. Maybe the two of you can read it together. You also might want to find a marriage counselor. The book shows you how to find one that is pro-marriage. But you gotta read the book.

[The Wifey]

How do I deal with a wife that doesn’t want a marriage, but is willing to stay for the time being to see if she can feel the change and possibly get the feelings she needs back?

Kane you have a gift of time. She loves you enough to give you that.

Read DR, then The Five Love Languages, then His Needs, Her Needs. Keep DR to yourself, but feel free to leave the other two in plain site, with a book mark where you are reading. Make the time.

Plan your interactions. Learn some of the lingo here, like acting as if, GAL, PMA and start doing them. She could just be waiting for one more shoe to drop. But that means you need to practice real giving.

This means putting your needs to the side right now and figuring out how she needs to feel loved. What did these other R's give her that she was missing with you?

[The Wifey]

And if 2 months without intimacy is killing you, its been since last July for me.

[Kane00]

wolverine1997 - Thanks, we just moved and the Book is in one of our Boxes. I will make time this week and get that done. I know I really need to read that book. Thank you for the advice. She is not really into reading it with me, but she knows all about the website and has read parts of the book online. I myself broke down and purchased the book...

The Wifey - I know I have the gift of time and I am grateful, I really am. I will look into those other books you suggested, thank you, but like you said (and others), I need to read the DR. first. That I will get working on in the next day or two.

I know I have to spend much more time on this sit learning the language/lingo. I also know I have to give more to my wife even if I feel like I am currently giving my all. I feel that if she is not where she needs to be to make this marriage work, I am not doing what is needing to be done and I have more to give. I am really working on understanding her needs and working on what makes her go crazy (about things I do). It is hard because I feel like some things I do are or would be nothing to any other person, but because I have hurt her in the past, every little thing gets her angry. That is what I am working on trying to overcome at this time.

Intimacy is important to me. I believe that is important to any marriage, but if I have to do without for now (until we are better), my marriage is number one and comes first before my intimacy needs.

“It’s been since last July”, sorry to hear about that. I really am.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Well because of this, instead of acting like she was a goddess and treating her that way, I unintentionally made her feel bad about herself.

I would suggest to you Kate that NEITHER ONE of these extremes is healthy. Treating them like "goddesses" or "princesses" can actually cause feelings of entitlement, and it usually accompanies a failure by the husband to set effective boundaries as well.

Your wife sounds like she has an issue with serial infidelity. Has she ever sought counseling for this, to see why she turns to others to have that need filled? Without some good counseling, and effective boundary-setting on your part, you're never going to be able to just "Nice Guy" her back into a healthy marriage with you. Either that or she was just AWFULLY young when you two got together, and she's just never had a chance to be HERSELF, outside of her relationship with you, and she's rebelling. Either way, you're probably going to have to "let her go" before you'll ever really have her back again, in my opinion.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I also know I have to give more to my wife even if I feel like I am currently giving my all. I feel that if she is not where she needs to be to make this marriage work, I am not doing what is needing to be done and I have more to give.

WRONG. You two sound incredibly co-dependent and enmeshed; have you done any reading on this subject?

Rather than DB and DR for right now, I'd suggest reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy," plus a good book on co-dependency (I hear "Co-Dependent No More" is a good one). You are off-the-charts focusing on HER, instead of on your own emotional health right now, and what makes Kane tick.

Puppy

[ShockedOne]

Just be prepared for the roller coaster ride. Even when you are doing what is working, at some point that is not going to work, may just be momentarily, but be prepared to change your strategy. My sitch is quite similar to yours, and I am about three weeks into the DB'ing. And its not a day by day deal, it's hour by hour. She will tell me one minute what she needs from me, and the next minute tell me that I am pushing her away by doing what she just said she needs.

[gucci loafer]

Ok. First thing is that you need to realize that you are in a state of panic. It is like a person drowning who ends up fighting the person trying to save him.

So scared in fact I asked her for a divorce in hopes it would make her run back to me and apologize and make thing better. Well, it didn’t really work that way.

What did your wife say and what was her reaction when YOU asked for the divorce?

[Gardener]

Kane00,

You're getting excellent advice here to which I can add only, read "Quotes On Divorce Busting (II)" near the beginning of this forum.

Hang in there. You got a lot of people pulling for you, now.