Hello MTwoFive -- getting read-in on your sitch here. I'm Smiley's Person. So far you're sounding pretty good and getting spectacular feedback from the some of the best folks around here to get feedback from, so count yourself lucky in that regard!
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I made one mistake I think. We were at the movies and I was freezing so I asked him if he could put his arm around me. Did it but after awhile took it away and said he was uncomfortable. Ok so not the best move on my part.
No worries. In the grand scheme of things hardly a setback. He helped you out a bit until it started to cost him -- discomfort, either/both emotional/physical -- and then looked after himself. No biggie. In fact, probably healthy -- he didn't feel compelled, or sorry enough, for you to suck it up, and you (I gather) didn't fuss when it ended. Small beer.
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So of course my mind wonders -he has made the decision to not work on the marriage?
Maybe yes, maybe no, maybe maybe. From the perspective of your Work (here) it doesn't matter.
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What would you think about me not contacting him at all (except in case of an emergency) for the 10 days we're gone? Let him be the one to contact me (if he does?)
What do you think about that? It's not the effect on him that's important, it's the effect on you. Would you be able to put that time to its best use, to focusing on you and your needs and your kids' needs and your Work? Or would you really, secretly, if-you-were-being-forced-to-be-honestly be wondering about the effects on him?
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I'm so tired of being blamed for all his unhappiness! He's taking zero responsibility for anything.
We all know this one all-too-well, he said, Bitterly Laughing Out Loud.
The only thing to do is get used to it and start ignoring it. In the Wayward Walkaway Worldview -- what I like to call the World of WAStuff -- you (and me and Puppy and etc. and etc. and etc.) are by definition Wrong, because you're You. Blah blah blah-dee-frickin'-blah. What-evah.
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I also feel like I can't make any mistakes in his mind. Like he's watching my every move.
The second part is right -- he is watching your every move. As @Coach always says, "you're being watched." But the first part -- forget that, it's an infinite loop, it's a Moebius strip. Do your things for you. Make your mistakes. Learn from them. Don't "status check" to see if he caught the mistake. There's no learning there. Did you catch the mistake (if/when there is one)? That's the important thing.
One step. One foot. One yard. One mile. One hour. One day. One week. One month.
Good stuff, SP. I'm glad to see you reaching out to others even though you have your own stuff you're still going thru. That speaks volumes of your character, and I think you'll find that it actually HELPS you.
I'm pretty sure all hope is gone. I called our friend the one who he spent 31 hrs on the phone with. To check in with her because it had been about a week and half since we talked and I wanted to show her that I cared about her and to see if she'd give me any insight into my H since he'd helped her with her husband.
Bottom line she's still really angry at me feels like I overlooked poor behavior from another friend of ours and wasn't that good of a friend to her.
She basically told me that she thinks my situation is the same as hers that my H just does not want to try and work things out. She was very angry. She wanted to know if I'd cleared her name basically - that I told anyone I talked to about her that their phone calls were innocent.
She did say my H called her today and she wasn't going to answer but she heard him say to pick up because he'd told me I wasn't going to tell him who can talk to anymore. (that was part of our Sunday night conversation awhile a week ago)
I called my H today in the interest of full disclosure and told him that I'd called her. So basically I think it's over. I really don't see any hope at this point. Guess the comments this weekend about me traveling, him taking the boys on a trip while I visit my brother, and he doesn't see what it matters if I travel were big hints.
It's our son's birthday tonight so I'm going to try and make it a good one for his sake. We'll see what my H has to say later this evening.
I think I'm going to throw up. Thank God I called his Aunt today (she's a nurse - her husband is our GP) and asked for anxiety medicine. I'll pick that up before I get home.
I feel like I've just been run over by a tank truck!
Guess I was feeling guilty about talking about her situation to others. She didn't cause my situation as she reminded me. I genuinely wanted to reach out to her because I do feel bad for her situation. I thought she might give me some insight which I must say she did - my H doesn't want to work on saving our marriage!
They are alike in that they both like to play the victim and they feed off of one another.
I'm weirdly at peace right now. At least she told me the truth that he doesn't want to work on things. We'll see what he has to say tonight.
We're going to definitely need to find some way for him to move out I think. Not sure how to do that unless he's willing to stay with a friend.
I don't trust this woman -- or your husband -- as far as I can throw them, and I'd strongly caution you to base ANY of your decision-making off of what SHE tells you about YOUR husband's feelings.
She has a horse in the race, and that horse is your husband.
They were on the phone for an hour this morning so I'm sure he told her that. He seemed surprised when I called him at work to let him know I called her. I'm sure they both think I checked the phone records to and saw that he called her. I will be checking now to see if he calls and talks things over with her.
I don't know after his behavior this weekend and finding out today that he called her - I'll be extremely surprised if he says anything other than he doesn't want to work on the marriage.
Any suggestions for how I discuss this with him? By the way, so far everyone who's responded so far (2 people)seems to think I shouldn't talk to her about it. We have plans to do something this weekend. My friends however (one of them a mutual friend) say I should share my concerns with her. I'm so confused!
M,
What would be your GOAL for such a conversation with her? What would you hope to accomplish?
Either this woman is having an inappropriate relationship with your husband, or she isn't. If she isn't, then such a confrontation will only make you look foolish and paranoid, and perhaps hurt your friendship with her. If she IS, she will lie about it, and everything that flows from her lips to you will be filled with deceit and tainted by her own agenda. Worse yet, you will USE at least some of the information to frame YOUR decision-making regarding your marriage.
