Listening for surprises...

[ediemarie]

When people say that piecing is the hardest part of this whole ride, believe them. I have no idea what I’m doing or how to do this. . . I just know that it is really difficult.

My H is working hard at this; he is, in his own way. He has so much going on in his head and so much to figure out. His approach is nothing like mine. He quit his job, where OW works, in December and it’s been months of no contact. (For those of you going through the whole A recovery process, know that no-contact is of paramount importance. You truly cannot rebuild if there is contact, of any kind.) It’s been a solid six months of H not having any contact whatsoever and I see him trying to unravel his thought process, his actions, his desires for the future for himself, and for us. I see him healing from major depression and laughing again, making healthy, good, decisions, and devoting time to me.

If I were in his shoes, I would have quit my job years ago – like when the A first came to light. I think waiting for 2 ½ years hindered our progress and growth – it made us, and dealing with us, more difficult, for me. I remember when I was first bombed and all I wanted to talk about was our relationship and how it was unraveling quicker than it was built. I came here and posted and posted and posted til I couldn’t post anymore. It was the focus of my life. I wanted to talk about it all the time. It consumed me. It’s different now, for me. And yet, not for H. He wants to talk about it frequently. He needs to revisit some of the past and hear how I feel about him, about us. And I am numb. I wanted to talk about all of this with him years ago – years – and now, I’ve just kinda slipped into complacence, slipped into this void of not feeling anything about us. Sure, I want our marriage to be better, to be passionate, to be intimate, to be a partnership, to be all things one hopes a marriage will be, but how? How do I begin to feel again?

We spoke about this earlier this morning. It was certainly a start. I told him everything I wrote here. I suppose like all else on this strange walk from commitment, to infidelity, to commitment it is traveled just one step at a time. I wish there were a map, a guide, a way to see our way through this. I continue to wish that there would be someone to say, “step here, step here, step here and here and voila! marriage healed and perfected!” Alas, we, as humans, are not so lucky on any of our journeys.