A cautionary tale should not focus on the effects on the children. Once a spouse has crossed the line in their mind to leave, their focus changes. "It will be tough, but the kids will be fine." No amount of statistics or heart wrenching video will change that. After all, it's biased and their reality. It's common knowledge that kids would rather have their parents together than apart... period.
It should be marketed to adult partners who pull inward emotionally, distance themselves, give in, take things for granted, act out. The most effective way to get folks to listen to quitting smoking is not listing all the bad things that will happen to them in the future, but how it impacts their present. Smokers will not have the energy to play with their children. They will not have the endurance. They won't be able to be the parents they want to be. Physical prowess is diminished puff by puff.
Goodness, in retrospect I wish I'd had the wherewithal to continue working on my marriage, even as he brushed me aside. We both tried in ways that were ineffective. We both gave up in different ways, opting for the passive route of it being more about the children, accepting separate roles and divisions.
We were required to go to marriage classes before the wedding, its emphasis on building better communication skills. All I remember is thinking the couple with us would never make it. Like teenagers, people in love feel like its immortal.
The sad thing is that marriages break because of the actions of two people. And they break, not because of the kids or affairs but because primary issues are not faced, dealt with. The continuing commitment and hard work is shirked.
So, we're in this quandry by our own making. We start hurting our children the minute our marriages are taken for granted, second fiddle. Where we no longer respect or show respect to the one we pledged our troth.
Tough stuff.
If you're lucky you find a place like this, with the focus on the positive, what you CAN do to improve yourself as a person rather than wallow in growing anger, bitterness and self entitlement. And guess what.. all the maturing that stopped in the jungle of self defensiveness, codependence, turning away starts again.. helping you grow, become the person you're meant to be.
As long as we blame our spouses for the loss of the marriage, we're trapped.
