Did I read on some other thread that you will be seeing W. this week when you pick up your boys?
Thinking of you, sending you positve thoughts and energy-
TD
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
Thanks for checking in. Yes, I'm leaving on WED to link up with the boys...and I'll see my W as well even if all we do is to do our hand-off with the boys. We'll link up at this family's home who are friends of ours since our college days.
It should be a lot of fun altogether. It will be great if my W stays for a day or two. And it will still be great even if she does not stay.
Today, I spent my day helping my neighbor pack a moving truck. His W said she really noticed how much I changed since my W left. That made me feel good knowing I worked hard to be where I am. And I am doing things right: GALing, 180s, etc.
Thanks for the positive reinforcement TD. I hope you are hanging in there as well.
Keep in touch when time allows, OK?!
JR09
Me:44 WAW:43 Children S13,S11,S7 Married 17 yrs W left JUN 08 W filed JAN 09 D proceedings dismissed AUG 09 W refiles 1 MAR 11
Those small moments of external validation are fantastic...I'm glad your neighbor's W said that to you - while I know we have to believe in ourselves first - hearing that something has been noticed like that just makes it easier to believe the positive voices in our heads...at least for me they do...since my negative voices seem to have grown up in a house where someone has to shout to be heard.
Glad you'll be getting some time with your boys...
I finally reunited with the boys. It is great to be with them. When I linked up with my W to do the handoff, she stayed a little longer than usual as we chatted a bit. Even my sons noticed it.
It was her b-day yesterday. I kind of broke away from DBing a little when I bought her some flowers, a card,and chocolate for her b-day. She seemed to appreciate it. She just took it and said "thank you".
I am now back with the boys for 14 days. They all said I changed. That's good to hear.
You are doing all of the right things. While I don't advocate begging and pleading, I do not think you are in the scenario where you go dark on her either. The little thoughtful things you have been doing has been fine. Had you asked, I would have suggested something less associated with romance than the chocolates and flowers....something that shows you know her. Since the kids will be away from her for awhile, perhaps you could help them pick out something for her from them.
As for these "divorce" talks: I do not think it's wrong when it's brought up that you express that divorce isn't what you want, but you understand if it's something she feels she needs to do. She might be probing to see if it's something you want. You kind of came full circle from begging and pleading and perhaps she thinks you've accepted the divorce.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Not much to add to what PheonixD wrote...just wanted to say that I hope you're having a fantastic time with the boys - and getting affirmation of your changes from them is one of the best things you could hear...When I first heard those words from my S12, it helped me see that I was on the right course (just in terms of my personal growth) - I also noticed my sons were happier after they sense my changes...
JR09.... hold off on that feeling...yes...the impulse is great...but I think it's best not to pursue - not to say too much...If anything, and this is something that might sound odd, there might come a time when the best thing to say is that you love her, you don't want to divorce, but that you've accepted her decision and are willing to accept what she believe she has to do to make her happy...but right now, calling her and telling her that you don't want a divorce and that you love her would set you back a lot more than would seem possible...it's just the worst part of all this - that something that feels so very right - words that are so real - can continue to push someone away...
I would suggest that you find a way to focus on your time with your kids - let them see all that there is to see in you - live in that moment...but hold off on telling her...it just doesn't help yet...sometimes, when another person is doubting, the words, "I love you", just make them feel flawed and pressured - and want to escape more...Stay lovingly detached - show her kindness - show her that you love her for herself...but I really don't think calling her and telling her these things would help...as some other posters like to point out, a lot of the impulses we followed in the past, are the very things that got us here in the first place...
JR09, I was thinking about your post a bit more...and thinking of my own time spent with my S2...and it finally occurred to me why I felt such a need to respond to you with the suggestion that you wait...it's not just about your W...and pushing her away - it's also about you - and being in the present with your kids. My STBX moved out on Nov 1 - just in time for the holidays - and so when I spent the bit of holiday time I got with me kids - and had to face those family occasions on my own - without my partner of a decade - (though wife of just four years) - I felt incomplete - and that is exactly the wrong way to feel. I was just writing about this on OrangeDog's thread - but, at the risk of sounding like a on-trick pony - I'll once again say that you cannot be happy with another person - nor can another person be happy with you - if you need them for your experience of a moment to be complete. Be there with your boys, I mean, really BE there...let everything about the time you have together fulfill you as only you can allow yourself to be filled...
