Hey SP, Just read through your thread and learned a lot about your sitch...I'm sorry it's such a tough situation. I came to this site when my second marriage started falling apart - have an S2 with STBX and an S12 from my first marriage.
My first D was amicable - civil - and mutual - and yet it still tore into me for many years. I had many heartbreaking moments and often worried that I would somehow have less of a connection with my son than if I had stayed with his mother (despite knowing, as she did, that we just were not right for one another). Slowly I started to see just how much of an opportunity I had been given to become a better father - a better man - and I embraced it as best I could - that started ten years ago...cut to a couple weeks ago, and my S12's mom hands me a copy of my thesis from college - inside is a short essay my S12 had to write in school last year - the topic - the person I admire most in my life...
I read the first line, "The person I admire most in my life is my father" - and my eyes watered more than they are right now...My S12's words reminded me that, despite all the pain and the confusion he might have gone through as a child - because I did the work, because I decided not to allow myself to become like my father (who was verbally and physically abusive) - I had managed to be a positive force in his life...while I might have accomplished that had I stayed with his mother, the fact is that I got there on my own...and that's precious to me - and it's also something I keep in mind when dealing with my STBX - and how different this demise is from my first marriage.
I've gotten into the habit of looking at these darkest moments of our lives for the seed of opportunity they might offer us...this time around...it seems like everything fell apart so that I might finally find myself and no longer try to expiate the shortcoming of my own father...and the (failed/unrealistic) expectations I was born into...
You're doing an amazing job with your children and for yourself.
