Interesting thought. Not one that I had considered. But you are talking about a NPD, so the possibility exists. What kind of mother is she now? Is she involved with the kids lives? Does she take them to sports and other activities, make friends with the other mothers? Or does someone else take them? What does she do with her days now?
She is very involved in their stuff. Keeps them very busy. I just think it will happen when they are old enough to stand up to her and don't agree with her about something, and the pattern will repeat. But she also works out obsessively, takes French classes in the City (we live in 'burbs), is taking a math class now in prep for her program in the fall. Hey, I have my own FOO issues, but there is a control thing in her family; her mom controls her dad, tried to control her... and she just tolerates her mother now... There is no love... W is very controlling but projects that on others... So, unless W does serious introspection (which is not likely for an NPD), I can see the same thing happening with her and her children as happened with her mom and her...
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I imagine that she will stay involved with them if that is her way of being. Depending on the kids, once they hit 18-20 they go off to college and want a lot less contact with the parents anyway. My D24 only calls when she needs money, and that's not too frequently. The kids put up a wall of their own. It might take them years to notice if she puts one up. But either way, that isn't your problem. Her relationship with her children is hers. She needs to own it.
Alex, you are right. People will continue to play out their patterns until they change. Those patterns are usually passed onto their children unless their is someone in their lives to counterbalance it.
I have the same issues with my W. She abuses alcohol, I used to, we both grew up in alcoholic households...my W will pass that on to our children, it's up to me to counterbalance that with an model of life without alcohol. I hope to break that cycle so my children will not have to live such a life.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
So, I hand wrote an abbreviated version of my note a few pages back on a card I found in the stationary box... It was the first one I pulled out and turned out to be a rather appropriate, given the content, Renoir painting... which I think you can click on to see...
W responded (she writes nearly as much as I do...) as follows...
Alex --
I haven't cried like this in a long time. I don't know how I'm going to come to the pool [she was going to meet the kids and me there]. My first question is -- Why did enlightened friend of yours wait so long to share that wisdom? How did he/she hit the nail on the head so well? Who is this person?
I only wish that someone would have knocked some sense into us years ago before we went too far in that canoe. I feel as thouhg we haven't been able to get through to one another for so long, and now, when it's too late, you say this and it's both devastating and heartwarming, and most of all, accurate! The problem really was simple... but we couldn't see that. There was no way we could continue growing into the individuals we'd hoped to be while stuck in a canoe, so we both felt (I'm assuming you felt) stifled, but couldn't articulate that.
The process we've endured for the past almost two years has become frustrating to me because I didn't have the wisdom of a friend to help me communicate the sentiment, and until the recent few months, I don't know if I could have delivered such a message confidently... mostly because I would fear you'd misunderstand what I was trying to say. In fact, much of the past two years I retreated from conversation or avoided entering into one because I felt you weren't getting it -- you just weren't understanding what was happening inside of me.
Last summer I began to sense where I needed to go... it was almost like a little gyroscope grew inside of me and helped me stay on course. The problem was I couldn't figure out how to explain that to you, and I was constantly worried that whatever I'd say would be misread.
I never wanted to hurt you, and I am & will always be sorry for having done that. I was constantly torn between "taking care of myself" (i.e., listening to what I needed to be happy), and trying to take care of you, which is a role I assumed without you asking me to. The problem is we each needed to take care of ourselves. We should have been in charge of our own kayaks, and allowed each other the freedom to navigate without getting in each other's way. Instead, we seemed to agitate the waters around us. As a result, we each ended up out-of-balance or as you said "in a fog so thick..."
Although your letter made me cry, my emotions were all over the map, and admittedly most tears were tears of sadness.... almost mourning the loss of a marriage gone wrong/unfulfilled; there were also some tears of joy... that it seems you understand and don't hate me. And that you will move on as I've always known to be true... a better father and a better person to yourself... someone who will take care of his own happiness and who will live more fully going forward. These are things I also feel, and I am thrilled that you are looking forward with optimism.
I also am very concerned for our little kayaks, but I know we are each stronger now than ever before and can guide them with constant love and cooperative support.
Remember that we can't settle for doing just an average job in this transition. We need to set the bar high and shoot for an A+.
I suppose I should stop rambling... This is definitely not as well thought out & written as yours, but of course I'm still wiping the tears & runny nose during the process.
Now off to the pool -- in sunglasses at sunset.
I will always love you Alex,
W
This is the most emotion she has shown ME in nearly two years... And, yet, we will tell the children of the D in less than 4 days... Tick-tock, tick-tock...
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Oh Good God, it is getting so depressing around here. That letter is a tough read and I'm sorry.
But I see it as a real positive that she is looking at this through a different lens and even though she is sticking to her story and sort of wrapping it up with a bow, she is emotional and this will be on her mind in the coming days.
You did the best you could and now she has to get where she's going. Please don't assume those are the last thoughts she will have about this. You have put it on her plate and she is digesting it...
I'm glad you sent the letter. And the Renoir painting was an unbelievable fit. I think your wife has a tougher road to hoe than she imagines. Maybe OM is waiting for her with open arms, ready to pick up the slack. And then again, maybe he is not. Only time will tell. but you are not likely to be successful in changing her mind. She is determined to go on her journey. If in the end, she realizes that her life was better as your wife, then she might want to reconcile. I see Dorothy in Oz searching for the Emerald City. But once she gets there, she might realize that there is no place like home.
Please don't assume those are the last thoughts she will have about this. You have put it on her plate and she is digesting it...
A&K, that's part of the paradox to me... I don't think they are the last words, but in the meanwhile the children will be thrown to the wolves... That su*ks... and they have to face the feelings we so desperately don't want them to have to face...
Last edited by AlexEN; 06/29/0904:53 PM.
New: What a Weekend
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