Hi - Wow - Just wanted to express how STRONG you sound in your post. I admire all of the work and growth you have obviously done as a person and thank you for sharing all of your insights. They brought me some peace on a very dark day for me. When I come through my separation and eventual divorce from H, I hope that I am lucky enough to meet another person as self-aware as you are.
Blessing to you on your new journey... :-)
Me 39, H 41 M 17, T 21 Son, 4 Bomb 2.09, Two EAs Separated 8.4.09 My Long Story and First Postings
Hi everyone, thanks so much for you all your kind words. I've definitely still got a lot of work to do - and still have many unresolved issues ahead of me. The demise of my second marriage has just been so very different from my first. My first marriage was to a very good person - and we both just realized we were not right for one another - and there was hardly any conflict once we decided to go in different directions (it was more like accepting it, than deciding to do so, actually). She and I have always managed to talk about our son, and to be civil to one another and find ways to work together in his best interests. We've also done a good job, I think, of being very fair to one another in terms of time with our son.
My STBX, on the other hand, is a very different person. She's not willing to cooperate with me very much - and tends to take the position that her opinion is fact - and that makes communications very difficult. I still hardly ever talk with her - which I think is a shame - since I think that having this kind of poor communication with her could/will affect my S2.
But it's just impossible to talk with her about anything...as she tends to be very angry when we talk (this after having been physically separated since November) - and she still continues to try to bait me into arguments. The sad truth is that I just don't trust her, either - and so there's very little I ever want to discuss with her other than the basic facts about my S2 - his health, his school, his eating and sleeping habits, etc.
As I deal with cleaning up the mess left by the breakdown of my marriage - I am also continuing to deal with the stress of making a living as a freelance writer in a tough economy. That's proven to be quite the challenge of late - as many of the customers I used to write for just are there anymore...and I find myself having to compete for work with many other writers that have been laid off from their full-time jobs. It's a messy situation - and one that brings with it a fair amount of stress at times - but I accept it as part of what I have to learn through right now - even if it is challenging me in a profound way.
Be confident that in the end of this - and even as you work through it - you will find that self-aware person. She will be looking at you from the mirror - welcoming you back.
I've quoted this poem here before...and I think it's so appropriate that I'll post it once more.
It's by Derek Walcott.
............................. Love After Love
The time will come when, with elation you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat. You will love again the stranger who was your self. Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored for another, who knows you by heart. Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes, peel your own image from the mirror. Sit. Feast on your life.
So...I'm still trying to figure out the best approach to take when trying to negotiate with someone that seems disconnected from reason...and it's not easy...
Let me explain...I normally get Saturdays with my S2 - such has been the understanding since B moved out last November. And so, S2 is supposed to be with me, as usual, this Saturday - which also happens to be July 4. Now it seems that, since B was invited by her friends to a barbecue that she's coming undone yet again...and doesn't want to have to arrive there without S2....I don't fault her for that - being at a "family" even without the family just sucks...but she seems to think that she can prolong the inevitable fact that divorce is disruptive to her life - and that she will be inconvenienced at times.
Rather than try to discuss the day with me, she's opted instead for throwing ultimatums my way and accusing me of caring more about my older son than for my S2 - this because I agreed to have S2 stay with her for two Saturdays on which S12 had out-of-town soccer games and S2 had a fever...
Of late I've been getting longer and longer emails from her with increasingly brazen lapses in logic. While the tension and frustration of having to deal with her can slow my day (as it's doing now, since I just feel the need to purge a bit and write here) - it's also served the more useful function of letting me see, from at least some healthy remove, that her inconsistent reasoning is impossible for anyone to address. No matter what I say, she'll twist it into a kind of balled knot and call it a sweater...and so I try opting for the silent route - which means I get an email accusing me of not trying to help with communication between us...
It's kind of amusing in its own dysfunctional way - though it does remind me of how lost she is - how much she must believe that her attitude is somehow a show of strength - rather than the symptom of an unsettled past. A few weeks ago, she insisted that I communicate with her only via email - unless it's something pressing about S2 - and then a few days ago she tried to fault me for the fact that she did not read my email in which I told her that I would not be giving up S2 this weekend. Her logic maintains that I should have checked with her again, since I hadn't received a response from her regarding my email...which is ludicrous to me, since I was not the one changing dates/plans, she was...and it was clearly her responsibility to bring up July 4 again if she intended to change the parenting schedule...besides, she's been in the habit of not responding to my emails for several months now - in particular the emails in which I disagree with her concerning her continued nursing of S2 - and my suggestions that we get a professional opinion - instead of just going by some article she found online...
On top of tall this...I had the misfortune of happening onto Sandra Tsing Loh's article about her divorce in The Atlantic. I'm no fan of Tsing Loh...and this article of hers just cemented for me the impression I had of her as someone who's just smart enough not to realize that she's a self-centered simpleton...and her attitude reminded me all too much of B and how she will seek out any kind of fact or figure to support her ridiculous point of view.
Carlos, Stop letting her ruin your day. Be politely persistent in what the agreement is. (is this a legal agreement?) Make sure you are holding up your side and document her actions. What's the expression here? Oh yeah, don't try to apply logic to the illogical. Don't let her tell you what you think - you like one son more than another. Every time she tries it, you need to correct it. That's a healthy boundary. Let her know you will communicate with her in the mode you deem best for the situation. If she has a question then it is her responsibility to get a answer and sometimes "no" will be the answer. Spend your energy on yourself and the boys.
Smiley had a short thread about the Atlantic article. Maybe you could use your talents to write about your perspective on divorce?
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Just saw Smiley's thread...glad it's there...definitely worth a spirited discussion...Tsing Loh's commentaries are the only thing I always turn off when listening to NPR...
I think Coach said it well with "stop letting her ruin your day" but I know how difficult it can be to separate from them when they are acting this way.
What saved me was FINALLY being able to keep our conversations very, very short and to the point. When my XW was in her hostile phase (thank Heaven we've been experiencing a bit of truce - called by her on herself), I did a few things to keep me sane and emotionally in check:
1) I never answered her e-mails right away. They were so bitter, biting and venom-filled that they brought out all the emotions in me...and my replies always made things worse, not better. 2) I only answered questions that were directly related to D. Even then, I tried to keep my answers as simple and direct as possible. XW HATED this! 3) I finally convinced myself that I wasn't being rude or disrespectful by ending conversations when it was convenient and healthy for ME. In the past, I always tried to make sure she was happy often at my own expense. As part of setting boundaries, I learned to show her through my actions that I would not be subjected to her beratement any longer. 4) I finally had to spell out to her in VERY CLEAR terms that not only would I not be treated like this, but if this is the type of adverse relationship she wanted to have, we can have it. However, I made sure to point out to her that this was a two-way street, so she can expect inflexibility from me going forward and that this was absolutely the wrong type of relationship to have for the benefit of our D. I made it clear to her that if the hostility continued, it would not be by my choice and the "blood would be on her hands and on her hands alone" as I'm no longer willing to play this sort of game. I made sure XW knew that any and all future correspondences sent by her that were hostile in any way, shape or form would not only be documented, but would not be replied to by me at all.
All of these things were what I needed to do to finally get my XW to apologize to me for her behavior and treatment of me and to also get her to try to have a decent working relationship w/me about our D.
It has been over two months now and I'm happy as a clam in high tide w/the relatinship we currently have. I am hoping it will continue, but I'm very convinced that had I not stood up for myself and established boundaries, my XW would still be very ugly and bitter toward me.
I hope this helps and I know you have the same type of lady to deal with b/c we both are in a parallel life, remember, brother?
