K4D Rising #2

[davidswife]

Sorry Kevin, didn't mean to say "lover her", I meant to say "love her".

[K4D]

DW,

I know I should not have let my anger get the best of me. I think after the way this past weekend went it was just another straw to break my back.

I guess I was curious when W said that because I was wondering if it was during the A or just this past weekend after what transpired. I know it doesn't matter and I should have let it go. But I was still angry from how things had gone anyways and now this. I did not show my anger in front of my kids. I kept it inside. They know that I love them. I am working hard today to get rid of the anger. It just really burned me that she would even tell them that especially when we are not even divorced. D7 did not need to hear that. She is having a difficult time enough as it is.

I have to calm myself down. I am busy praying about it right now. I have my C appointment tonite again and I have to give the C 3 positive things about myself.

I told W that I think we need to go back to a week on a week off and not switch the kids in the middle of the week to make things easier on them since D7 has requested this from both of us. W disagreed and said we are going to keep doing it for now. Again, no concern for what D7 is going through and has asked. I just don't get this.

Kevin

[davidswife]

I understand your anger at what your W said, but you need to focus on what YOU can control. You have no control over anything regarding your W. You have control over what say and do. Being there for your girls and taking care of them and you, that should be your focus right now.

There's nothing wrong with feeling angry, but to stay angry is exhausting and counter productive.

Any word on getting C for your girls?

It's too bad your W won't consider changing the kids schedule, but once you start the D process, if you two can't agree, the court will decide.

I'd just lay low for now, keep your interactions with W to an absolute minimum.

And once again, I know you don't get this -- most people in your situation don't get it. Don't waste time trying to "get it". Spend your energy on making yourself the best Kevin you can be.

[K4D]

Unfortunately, I don't have the money to counseling for the kids after this weekend because I am getting ready to have to hire an attorney. That is going to eat up everything that I have. Its the attorney or a counselor.

Uggg...

Kevin

[K4D]

I just found out from reading another thread that there is a co-dependents anonymous organization that has meetings through out the US. I just found some in my area. I am going to go to it.

The website is www.codependents.org

It can only help.

Kevin

[aliveandkicking]

Kevin- There are some decent books out there; maybe someone here can recommend one (I need one or two or twenty as well ).

You love them, try with all of your heart to just listen and let their thoughts and feelings move through you. As their dad you can really help them by exhibiting to them that you can be present and witness their pain and still keep going. Validate gently, listen quietly, love them fully.

You can do this.

[CityGirl]

Does your church offer any sort of counseling for your children? If they dont have anyting maybe networking among the church members will yield you some results.

Honestly, C'ing for your children is a health issue and your W should be equally as responsible for payment. If she refuses I would discuss that matter with your attny and see what options you have to have her contribute to the cost.

Also, check w/your free C'ing and see if he has any ideas for free C'ing for kids. Or maybe look around for a child based support group for kids of divorce.

There must be a resource out there - you just need to find it.

[K4D]

Here is a site that has divorce support groups for kids and how you can find a group in your area.

www.dc4k.org

Its hosted by churches more than anything. I'm going to look into it.

Kevin

[K4D]

I'm off to my C appointment again.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

If you can't get free c for your kids, get it from your wife. She is supposed to be paying you money or at least something for the kids and there is NO reason for you not to get it when the kids clearly need it.

When you start up again with the "and I just wonder when W said blah blah blah..." you are sliding down your slope to HELL - AGAIN and need to keep moving out of that pit. Keep moving the way you were a few days ago. OTherswise you drag this crap out so much more than it needs to be. Who the heck cares WHEN she said whatever she said? What diff does it make? NONE! She has been done a long time.

As someone posted here, it is NOT ABOUT YOU now. It is all about the kids so reassure THEM that you are always going to be their daddy and don't presume you won't ever date another woman again. I think you might remarry before your w b/c you are needier and I just would not be too hasty in making promises you cannot keep to your d's.

Instead, promise what you KNOW you can do. Which is to reassure them that you love them and they will ALWAYS be your girls, and you will always be there for them and Kevin, you need to reassure them.

For too long, it has been the other way around. You cling to THEM for words of comfort, and "they" disappoint you when they tell you what w is doing or saying...That is such a burden to them. Don't do that Kevin. it is not fair to them. You are the grown up and they are the children. Protect THEM.

Get your L, see if he/she knows a good c for kids. I suspect your w will have to pay for the c for now at least, with a legally enforcing document of course, so by going to see a L, you can make that happen.

Who knows? Maybe the wife will start respecting you for setting a boundary for the girls and enforcing it... I know you have had so much fear of angering her that you have sacrificed things on behalf of your d's to appease your w, or b/c you thought it would appease her....but I sure don't see how it can harm your R with your w to stand up for your d's and get them some help.

Even if it did tick her off, I'd say "so what?" Do right by your girls, Kevin. Please Do right by THEM.

J-