There is no escaping the reality that the core issue here is my unyielding insistence that my children "will not," "can not" go through this...that I am absolutely not capable of framing this in a positive light for them as it would mean submitting that what I say matters most doesn't really and that life can be just fine with or without the values at play that I hold so dear. I have to allow our survival and thriving to serve as evidence that divorce isn't so bad and you do what you have to do...because to live by my beliefs about divorce is to project relentless pain and suffering for my children. I don't know if I'm making sense. It is just such a profound contradiction. I don't want to move on and thrive and show them that divorce "just happens"...you know? I am just being honest that the impasse is so deep and so part of my fiber having lived through it.
But, I owe it to myself and my little ones to create something beautiful out of myself and our lives together.
I have to allow others to be right that life goes on and that we will be better having gone through this. And, I mean it. I want myself and my children to thrive, not just survive. I can't martyr myself and my wonderful kids just to be right.
Somewhere in this process, I have to see myself as ok. To stop being living proof that my own parents' divorce screwed me up and that I am so damaged.
