Well, 20 minutes left to vent...not much to report except getting a lot of support and clarity regarding really separating from H. Next two days are all about me and I am looking forward to it.
You know what? I do love myself, I know I do. But I don't think I know myself anymore. I think I was so grateful that H came back last time that I flushed the baby down with the bath water in terms of who I am and what my boundaries are. I wanted to save the M so much that I did things that were ultimately destructive to me in many ways
Hi, friend.
This sounds very much like something I heard recently in my now 3-going-on-4-month-long email chain with Foreign Female Friend, whom I've written about on my sitch (short story: went to HS together, she materialized in the alt in April, 1st time we'd spoken in nearly 30 years, now nearly every day -- she's 20+months into this craziness w/MLC+WAS).
What she's found most important -- most essential -- is rediscovering her sense of Self. We've been talking lately about the familiar "words and actions" dichotomy -- she'd said she was waiting "action" from her Wayward and would no longer pay attention to the words. It's like in Schnarch's Passionate Marriage where he says you don't have to believe something until you experience it.
I replied to her that "action" seemed too impersonal to me, because "action" often happens without thought. For me what has become important is "deeds" -- a "deed" requires what pointy-heads like Smiley's Person call 'agency,' IOW active human intervention, thought, decision, purpose.
So we've been chewing this over lately -- what should one count as a "deed," and -- more importantly for both her and for me -- what does one do, as the Left-Behind, when one sees a deed? FFF then had a conversation -- in her alt -- with the wife of one of her Walkaway's friends, who'd also experienced life with an MLC'er. Here's a bit of what FFF wrote to me recently:
Quote:
I'm glad in retrospect that she said that because it helped me to just know: he's gone til he comes back. I think anyone living with someone in MLC should have that piece of information because you stop engaging the 'now' with THAT person so much (because THAT now is not meaningful for YOU) and start working on figuring out who YOU are now and going forward. When I see some deeds and some vision for "us," I will know more whether that is something I want to re-engage. Because I've been gone and out seeing the world in as non-harming and genuine way as I could.
Of course what she means by that last sentence is that she finally figured out she couldn't remain Point A, Home Plate, Go + $200. She had to start moving along the colored path to see if she could reach Candy Land, too. Who he is right now is irrelevant at this point -- what matters is finding out who she is.
So when WAH returns, if WAH returns, he's going to have to cope with the fact that he's returning to someplace he's never been before -- to a "new" her, who happens to look an awful lot like the "old" her before she pushed all of her autonomy and independence of mind down to accommodate him.
Which, FWIW, I happen to think is pretty dam cool. Because until you know you, no one else can either -- not even H. But Smiley's Person suspectsknows that you're more, much more, than what you see reflected in Monsoor's mirror.
There is no escaping the reality that the core issue here is my unyielding insistence that my children "will not," "can not" go through this...that I am absolutely not capable of framing this in a positive light for them as it would mean submitting that what I say matters most doesn't really and that life can be just fine with or without the values at play that I hold so dear. I have to allow our survival and thriving to serve as evidence that divorce isn't so bad and you do what you have to do...because to live by my beliefs about divorce is to project relentless pain and suffering for my children. I don't know if I'm making sense. It is just such a profound contradiction. I don't want to move on and thrive and show them that divorce "just happens"...you know? I am just being honest that the impasse is so deep and so part of my fiber having lived through it.
But, I owe it to myself and my little ones to create something beautiful out of myself and our lives together.
I have to allow others to be right that life goes on and that we will be better having gone through this. And, I mean it. I want myself and my children to thrive, not just survive. I can't martyr myself and my wonderful kids just to be right.
Somewhere in this process, I have to see myself as ok. To stop being living proof that my own parents' divorce screwed me up and that I am so damaged.
What she's found most important -- most essential -- is rediscovering her sense of Self. We've been talking lately about the familiar "words and actions" dichotomy -- she'd said she was waiting "action" from her Wayward and would no longer pay attention to the words. It's like in Schnarch's Passionate Marriage where he says you don't have to believe something until you experience it.
I replied to her that "action" seemed too impersonal to me, because "action" often happens without thought. For me what has become important is "deeds" -- a "deed" requires what pointy-heads like Smiley's Person call 'agency,' IOW active human intervention, thought, decision, purpose.
So we've been chewing this over lately -- what should one count as a "deed," and -- more importantly for both her and for me -- what does one do, as the Left-Behind, when one sees a deed?
But, SP, tell me, doesn't one have to also have to be able to distinguish if the deed is a True Deed or a False Deed? An example of the latter being, for example, the WAS who agrees to go to MC just so he/she can say: "I tried."
And, in analyzing the type of Deed, aren't we risking doing what we're counseled not to do... that is, spend too much time thinking about what the WAS action or inaction means... when the focus should be on US and our actions/deeds and what we CAN control?
I guess it seems to me that Deeds can be just as complicated to interpret, if not more so, than Actions. And if an action can happen without thought isn't it likely to be more representative of the other person's "true" mindset (assuming it could even be properly interpreted)?
But having said that, assuming one believes the thoughts, decisions, and purposes behind a Good Deed are Pure, it would be much meaningful than an Action. And, speaking of Mobius Strips, a False Deed is probably on par with Words in terms of its Value... which brings it full circle back to where it started.
As one who just received a note from W (an Action in which she expressed Words she has not before) that I am trying not to over-analyze -- but, it also seems to be a Deed -- yours is a very timely post. Is it a trap for me if I were to try to determine what kind of Deed it represents?
And, all these esoterics aside, I would welcome the thoughts of any of the wonderful posters on this thread about those words, that action or that deed, because try as I might to fully-detach, her note has made my brain into soup today...
-AlexEN
Last edited by AlexEN; 06/29/0904:20 PM.
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
You are not screwed up or damaged. You are surviving. Don't kid yourself for one minute that by thriving your kids will think it was easy. They are right beside you. This isn't about going against your values.
You are strong and you can find that person you are meant to be.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
You are not screwed up or damaged. You are surviving. Don't kid yourself for one minute that by thriving your kids will think it was easy. They are right beside you. This isn't about going against your values.
You are strong and you can find that person you are meant to be.
Thanks Wifey. I am just being very honest about what I think holds me back. It is not that I would consciously operate from that place. I am digging a bit deeper and trying to really go to the belly of the beast. It is good.
There is no escaping the reality that the core issue here is my unyielding insistence that my children "will not," "can not" go through this...that I am absolutely not capable of framing this in a positive light for them as it would mean submitting that what I say matters most doesn't really and that life can be just fine with or without the values at play that I hold so dear. I have to allow our survival and thriving to serve as evidence that divorce isn't so bad and you do what you have to do...because to live by my beliefs about divorce is to project relentless pain and suffering for my children. I don't know if I'm making sense. It is just such a profound contradiction. I don't want to move on and thrive and show them that divorce "just happens"...you know? I am just being honest that the impasse is so deep and so part of my fiber having lived through it.
But, I owe it to myself and my little ones to create something beautiful out of myself and our lives together.
I have to allow others to be right that life goes on and that we will be better having gone through this. And, I mean it. I want myself and my children to thrive, not just survive. I can't martyr myself and my wonderful kids just to be right.
A&K, you sorted it out brilliantly... W and I are telling the kids of D this coming Friday, and what you wrote describes the biggest snake in my head. I loathe the idea of telling them more than the idea of D itself, because I SO firmly believe we are taking the Wrong path, but realizing that what I want more than Anything is for them Never to have to go through the H*ll W or I have endured in our R. So, while I will do what I can to make the Best of this, it doesn't mean I have to be untrue to myself and frame it in a positive light. I will impart upon them the positive lessons I've learned yet I can maintain the belief that it could have happened inside the M and it is not because of the D...
Now I have no idea if I'm making any sense... but, I empathize with your conundrum...
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
You ARE making sense. I think it goes deeper than what words you choose.
I will say that as I child I often felt very offended by how "ok" everyone was while my world was falling apart. Personally, I think it is much better to validate that is difficult. Any major change is difficult. I think it is better for them to have a parent they can relate to emotionally who will also lead the way through for them.
