Having raised three cats myself...I'm probably not the best person to respond, but I DID teach Child Psychology a while back and this dynamic is NOT helpful...as if you didn't already know that!
Is there ANY way your H might read one of the books you've read? To get a different perspective, a different source so to speak?
I think you had a great insight when you pointed out that H might be "projecting" some of his own issues onto your Son. I don't think HE'D see this or agree right now, as it's very likely an unconscious mechanism.
But he should at least understand that parents MUST show consistency and a unified front to the children. The details can be worked out (hopefully!) between the two of you, but enforced as a team.
Aw heck, you KNOW all of this...so how do you get your H on board?
