My DBing and coaching sessions had, I thought, been working well. My H was responding to my being light, breezy, coming up with little things we could do together and me not talking 'R'. My H seemed more relaxed and since he dropped the bomb on May 16th that he wanted out things seemed to be improving. On Saturday a.m. ran a couple of errands and when I got back H said we needed to talk. He has never said this and at first I was hopeful but the look on his face quickly told me I was not going to like the conversation. H indicated we needed to stop being in denial and realize that H had every intention of leaving and had spoke with an attorney and would like us to fill out the paperwork and being our situation is not financially complicated no children, no house to deal with we could be officially divorced within 3 to 4 weeks. This would put it around our wedding anniversary August 6th. He also indicated he has signed up to rent a place in August and would like to move out at the end of July. We live in Minnesota he is moving to Montreal, Canada. We both live and work together and I've got family coming to stay here the first week of August and I am going to Denver to see family the second week in July.
I completely imploded with this news. I thought things were getting better; however, I knew that H not agreeing to any type of counseling or working on our marriage that things would not improve simply on our own. I was distraught but put myself back together that evening for a family birthday on his side of the family. The next day after the party H's sister called him and told him that both she, her husband and their mother were very concerned about his health. He has lost a lot of weight and seems very down. He did not like this assessment.
Question, do I tell his sister what is happening? I really do not think this is my business; however, I too am concerned not only as his wife but friend that he is in a self destruct mode. Telling him this however would go over like a lead balloon. H honestly said that he could send a couple of UPS boxes from here to Canada and that would be all he would need. H wants to leave everything else with me and he said he simply doesn't care what happens to it. In effect, H wants to leave and leave me with everything, including staying at the job we work together and have to tell everyone what is going on - very confused and sorry to be so choppy.
I think my H is in MLC after reading the stages and his own behavior. It seems he is regressing. He indicates there is no OW and I have absolutely no reason to believe there is. H did tell me he loves me very much but has not passion or interest, that being married is too restrictive and that I am boring and just too good of a person. I am just to good for him and he feels I need someone who can better appreciate who I am and take better care of me. He also says he is so tormented he wishes he had the ability to end his life. When I inquire as to how he is so down, but yet wants to just pack up and leave and trade in everything for a completely new life, he states Hope Springs Eternal.
This morning he is going for a vasectomy consult, had not knows it was scheduled and he plans to squeeze in that procedure during everything else happening this month. I understand he is fragile and depressed but how much can one person take and still try to be light, breezy and DB at the same time.
Any advice is welcome on how to proceed, what boundaries should not crossed and how to keep not only my sanity but dignity at this stage.
Thanks for listening,
Michele M 42 H 41 Married 1993 Together 22 years Bomb dropped 5/16 Going on 1 yr. with him telling me he wants out
