Yesterday morning I went for a group bike ride, got home after some of us grabbed a bite to eat around 12:30pm. Go to pull into the driveway, and the W is there. Even better she is in the house. First thoughts are what is she going to fight with me about with the house, too messy, dishes not done, who knows.
Go inside, pleasantly greet her - she is upstairs in our bedroom, packing up some of her clothes that she never took. We start talking, friendly at first, about her going to bar with cousin Saturday night, said she didn't really enjoy it, not her kind of thing or that she just isn't used to it, but had a good time dancing all night. Told her that's awesome, glad to hear that you had a good time dancing.
Then she turns to I can't believe you made me leave this house, you should've moved out and S3 and I should be staying here. I reminded her that when i offered that she did not want to come back to house. That ended that topic. Next thing I get hit with is do you know how much I love this house, I wanted to have S3 grow up here, now someone else will have to grow up here. Simply told her that I know how you feel, that I also love the house, and I want the same. Only to get I ruined everything - here we go again - I re-affirmed to her that she is right that I did ruin everything and that I let jealousy get the best of me. She said things could never be the same that the trust would never be there again, and if I slipped up just once if she came home she would kill me, I could hear the distrust in her voice. I told her I don't blame her for hating me - thinking all the time to myself - hate is better then apathy - after all it is a thin line between love and hate right?
I told her I could understand that, and that is why I am trying to take care of myself, and avoid ever doing anything like that again. I took responsibility for all the issues that we had, looking back most of them were my fault anyway. Explained to her that I wished I had read a lot of the books that I have read since separating years ago, that our S3, and our family are the most important things to me. -- Don't yell at me - I know detach - I'm trying just finding it really really difficult.
I ended the conversation by saying to her, I'm not asking you to come home today, tomorrow, this week or even this month, all I am asking is the possibility of seeing/talking to a counselor together.
Left it at that, helped her carry the bags out to her car and have had no contact with her since.
Not sure where this will go from here at this point - guess I just have to wait it out and see - and continue to work on me and PMA - and trying to detach.
Me 35 W 30 S 3 M 7 : T 13 yrs Separated 2/20/09 My Story
