[quote] Saturday night S cried, "I need hugs from Mommy now!" at bedtime.
Last night, after I put them to bed upon their return, D6 asked me to stay with the door closed. She hid under the blanket and told me she can't cry, she can't cry, she can't cry. Why?
Because it will be even more sadder if I do. My heart is in the dumps. It isn't even red or pink anymore, it's grey. Why can't you and Mommy ever stop arguing? Why can't you be married? That's how it's supposed to be for kids, don't you get that?
But she wasn't buying it. Just lay there, little hands balled up into fists pushing against her eyes, trying to keep the tears in.
Smiley--
This all broke my heart an I am crying for you little girl who cannot cry for herself. The worst of it is the person you should be able to share it with is the last person who wants to hear it BECAUSE THEY ARE AT THE ROOT OF IT.
As DH pulls out of the driveway every night, S3 gets out of bed to watch him leave and then D17 and I fight for the next hour to get him back to bed. Even after we do, he often times ends up sleeping in with D6. Finally, last night, I decided "screw it, I am done protecting DH's feelings." When he asked (as he does EVERY night) what time the kids had to go to bed, I reiterated bedtime, and then told him that it really did not matter, as S3 was going to (see above) the minute he was gone. DH's solution was a bribe of an extra bedtime story. Well, S3 stayed in bed when DH left, but by 2am was in with his sister again. When I asked D6 of she minded, she told me "No, mommy. S3 and I miss Daddy and we hug each other to go back to sleep."
I so get the hurt and anger. I want to punch something--preferably DH--scream, rage at how unfair it is for my kids to be hurt so deeply by their own father. But, I bite my tongue, hug them, and let them know that I am always here for them, that they are special and loved. My reward?? D6's class did a special gift for the parents at the end of the year. It is a silhouette of our child with things that the child told their teacher about themselves. the last line on D6's says "I am special because my mommy says I am." Keep letting them know they are special.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
