If I had incontrovertible proof that she was carrying on a PA, I would threaten the divorce. I don't know what good it would do, however, she still has not mentioned divorce directly. I will think about the not waiting thing. She knows I don't want to live separate lives in the same house, but I never said that by date "X" I will have to change things permanently. I will add "NOT just friends" to my reading list. We have a single bank account, no other credit cards or anything since the bankruptcy. She has always done the bills, so she pays the cell bill, but it comes out of the joint account. I have tried numerous times to either share or take over the bills, but she'll have none of it. I do see the bills, so it's not that she is hiding anything, it's just a control thing for her, I guess. Thanks again Puppy. If through some miracle my marriage is saved, it will be through your assistance.
PS. I printed out the "What I Have Learned About Detatching" post and keep it with me.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
1. Do NOT communicate a "deadline" date to her. If you give a wayward spouse a deadline of "X", they will inevitably continue to waffle and cake-eat until Day "X minus 1", at which point they will promise you the moon and the stars in order to get you to call off the dogs. Your deadline should be an INTERNAL one, for your own emotional health (it really helps to know that you've given it a time limit of, say, 3, 6 or 12 months). All you should tell HER is "I will not wait forever," or "my patience is not limitless," or "I hope you'll hurry because each day I lose a little more of my love for you."
2. You need to stop paying for her cellphone immediately. You shouldn't be using the family's finances for her to conduct her EA. She'll be livid (who cares -- she's running away from you and cheating on your now anyway), and she'll merely open her own, but you will have established an important boundary.
Puppy, I see your point about the deadline, but I don't understand something, if she wants out, why would she want me to call off any action at the end of a deadline? She has told me she doesn't want the marriage to succeed. I can't see her suddenly upset about papers being filed. I have already told her I don't want to live like this, and her answer was that we can't afford to support a house and an apartment, and we have no equity in the home to sell it and get 2 apartments, etc. Also, why would she care if I lose my love for her a little at a time? I think she would welcome that news, it would make it easier for her as she keeps telling me she doesn't want to make me sad. Do you understand what I am confused about here? Wouldn't these actions just encourage her to either continue or advance an EA or even just push her to put an end to the marriage? I am sincerely confused here, I am not disputing your advice. Thanks again.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Don't believe anything you hear and only half of what you see. When she moved out onto the couch it was a test. As long as you don't react to these 'tests' she will waffle in her own cr@p.
Yes, going out with your Dad to see a movie is GAL'ing. GAL with your sons. Take them out and do things they will find awesome to do with their Dad. You can GAL in the house - do a project, take up painting, drawing, learn an instrument, learn a language, do anything that you find interesting. Build models with your sons, make paper mache with them, color, etc... This is all GAL'ing.
GAL does not only mean go outside of the house and hang out with friends. It means just this - Get A Life... get involved with new interests, expand your social circle, do anything that is for you and for you and the kids.
One caveat - don't do things in the hopes of 'impressing' your W. Do them because it's what you want to do to improve yourself with no other hidden agenda that is some hope of affecting the sitch in some way.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Only if she is sincere in what she says she wants.
Don't believe it for a minute.
If nothing else, giving her a deadline of, say, August 31st (just for example) only gives her your implicit PERMISSION to carry on an affair for the next two months.
Orich, listen to Steady, this is sound advice! Also, listen to Puppy, it is time to start implementing some of the advice here, and not being so timid.
Take control of your own life, start to respect yourself, and do things for your self. That way your wife will respect it, and that is what your wife has to do again. Respect you.
But like Steady says, do it for you and not for a reaction from her, that is the only way it works. It is this whole zin like thing that the reaction you want from her only comes when you are not doing it for her.
Steady, Thanks for the reply. I will GAL in anyway possible, because I do like doing those things. I am not trying to impress her anymore because I know it won't work. These posts are a great thing. You guys give me some hope when all hope seems lost.
Thank you!
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
We are going to a ball game tonight. My 5 year old is marching with the colors on the field with the cub scouts before the game! I am very excited for him. I am glad he has an interest in the scouts. I remember when I was a kid scouting with my dad. I want to be a den leader like he was. We are going as a family. It is a weird combination doing these things with the kids. For one thing, it is nice all being together, but the underlying unrest and rejection always sour the event. I won't let it bother me tonight, I just want to enjoy a game with my boys even if my wife is with us. And watch my son march on the field is going to be great.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Whenever your W is around, perhaps you can try to behave as if she is a girl that you're interested in but don't know yet. This might be tough to imagine because you have kids together, but try to project the parts of you that you would want that woman to see.
Grooming, courtesy, good Dad skills... I'm sure you have all of these things in place. Whatever you do, don't be a sad puppy. Keep your chin up, keep it together, and show her that nothing is going to erode your dignity or your status as your boys' hero.
Hi, Lucky Thanks for the advice. I am trying those things. I have not yet moped around her or acted all depressed. I have only shown her resolve. We all had a good time at the game last night. It was exciting to see my son on the field with the flag for the national anthem. I was the gopher for the evening, popcorn and cotton candy for the boys, hotdogs and peanuts for my wife and I. We made eye contact often as we spoke and thoroughly enjoyed the kids. It's times like that when I can't imagine she wants to throw that all away. As corny as it sounds, at the prompting of my 4 year old, we all sang "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" while walking back to the car. When we "play" family like this, it feels really good, but really bad at the same time. Still no word on her telling her family yet, and she is seeing her therapist tomorrow evening.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
