(((Dawn))), Hang in there. You actually sound really well. Good job trying to fix the pool, and great for you in participating in the piano recital. Both sound out of your comfort zone, so I give you extra credit for doing both. Keep doing those sorts of GAL type of things. It can’t help but make you stronger over the long run.
Can’t really give you advice regarding the friend…I know you are adamantly against her actions with the married man; but on the other hand, she sounds like one of the few people that regularly stays in touch. Plus she is in touch with H. I wouldn’t put too much credence into what she says that H says. Have you told her how you feel about her actions, she sounds very selfish to contiue to "use" you for a sounding board about something she knows you don't approve of.
I would contact H regarding insurance. I can’t believe that he is allowing you to be w/o insurance knowing your health issues…he must really be over the edge (of course OW can help validate those decisions for him).
I don’t post much, but have been keeping tabs on you for some time. You are a wonderful writer…have you ever considered trying to write a novel or maybe a writer’s group would be another GAL activity for you to participate in.
Take care, your cyber friends are praying for you!
Hi, AAL, thank you for posting to me! I really appreciate your kind and thoughtful words.
I do need to clarify something about my friend. She is M (2nd M; 1st H was the sort of lying, cheating WAS many of us come here to talk about, and she D him by the time she was 25). Her would-be OM is not M; he's been divorced for years and is now concentrating on his same-sex one-night-stands (yes, he's quite the prize, all right...he is also in his late 50s and is back to living with his mommy). He led her on for a while--heavy flirting leading to petting, as I understand it--and she told him she was going to leave her H, but after her H lost his job, she figured out there wasn't enough money for her to live separately from her H, and she told OM she couldn't move out, and after that OM told her he didn't want a R with her (or anyone, in fact), not then and not ever, and he went from hot to consistently cool or cold toward her, and has not been more than civil to her since. Yes, this is SUCH an emotionally and morally healthy pair....
My friend does at least understand that she is in MLC and that from an outside perspective, her desperate obsession with OM is completely off-the-wall and just plain WRONG. I don't like to hurt her feelings, so I have pussyfooted around it a bit, but I think she knows my position on this pseudo-R of hers quite clearly. But she goes on and on about how she was having actual dreams about this exact man when she was still in grade school, even though she didn't meet him until 30 years later, and how as soon as she met him, her confusion about her life's purpose was instantly resolved and she just knew she was born to M him and have his babies and make him happy...is it any wonder that sometimes it is all I can do not to scream and smack her silly??
Yesterday she was telling me that she was just utterly convinced that God meant for them to be together--she just knew he was the one for her, and because she never felt that same connection to either her first H or her current H (with both of them she "knew [she] was settling for something less than what [she] really wanted"), her M's to them "didn't count." I almost put the phone down and started beating my head against the table when I heard that.
I'm not her current H's biggest fan--we have some philosophical differences, and he has some habits that would drive me crazy within a week, like the fact that he is addicted to TV and he hardly talks at all!--but I don't think he's a bad person, or even a bad H to the right W. I really feel sorry for him, not only because he knows that the only thing stopping his W from walking out on him is the fact that OM doesn't want her...but also because she talks about OM all the ^&*( time, even to her H!! Talk about pouring salt on wounds you created yourself!
I had really hoped she had made some progress through the MLC tunnel, because in the last six months or so she cut back to only spending about a quarter of her conversation talking about OM, instead of the 90% it was for a couple of years before that (I can't tell you the number of times she would call or we would get together, and I would be a hairsbreadth away from saying, "I'm really happy to talk to you, but we have to put a ban on any mention of OM for the rest of the evening" because I thought I might scream if I heard another word about him...and also because I wasn't sure she could manage to go more than 2 minutes without mentioning him!)...but yesterday it was right back to the old ratio, and she'd been crying all morning and half the night because OM was cool to her the previous evening (not blatantly rude, just cool and uncommunicative, which isn't all that abnormal in their relations of the last year or so).
Yes, she is one of the few people who stays in touch. And she is one of my closest friends, and I love her and don't want her hurt. But yes, I have to agree that she's selfish to keep talking to me about her OM when she knows perfectly well about my sitch, but there aren't too many people she _can_ talk to about it because she's hiding it from most people...shame, perhaps??! And I really hate conflict, so I've never gotten up the nerve to be totally blunt with her and say what I really feel about this, which is, "I never ever want to hear about OM again! You have talked about him so much I have heard enough to fill ten lifetimes, and you are twisting my arm every time you do it because I'm on the other side of the coin, so it's like sticking pins into me every time you moan about how much you love him and how cold he is to you! The way he is treating you now is total poetic justice for what you have done to your poor H! I don't care if you think God created OM especially for you, you're MARRIED! Act like it!! What the ^&*()_ happened to the woman I met fifteen years ago who was so dedicated to the purity of her M that she wouldn't even ride in a car alone with another man, huh? What is WRONG with you that you quote the Bible to everyone and even used to beat people over the head with it, and now you think your first two M's "didn't count" because you've fallen in love with somebody else?! You are such a flaming hypocrite! And how the &*%^&*( can you possibly believe he's your soulmate and God meant for you to be together when you tell me all the time how much he avoids you and clearly wants nothing to do with you and won't even look at you? Does this make sense? Some soulmate, huh? How does that fit into God's master plan of making you to be together? And what about your H? You tell me all the time that you love him and don't want to hurt him, but you're doing it on purpose! It's like you're saying, 'Oh, I want you to be safe and happy and healthy and have a good life,' and all the while you are stabbing him over and over! You are so %^&*( in the head you should be locked up!"
...No, I never said anything like that. Wow, I didn't know just how angry I am with her!! Whoo...okay, calming down now. I don't lose my temper much, and I have managed to keep a lid on it for almost two years (last time was the day H dropped the bomb on me), but if I were going to lose control of it with anyone other than my H, it would be either her or my mother. But I didn't lose my temper with her yesterday, even when she finished up by sort of insisting on picking an argument with me (I do not enjoy disagreements, so I was trying to avoid it) about whether Jesus was okay with D'ing a S who had committed adultery; I said no, but was lousy with explaining how I justified that stance (I could use some help with that if anyone has a persuasive argument or Biblical references!); she naturally said yes, Jesus was fine with it, which she was sort of obligated to say because she D'd her chronically-adulterous first H. Did I talk about this part of the conversation in a recent post? If so, I apologize for the repetition, to the three people who are still hanging in there with me despite my long-windedness!
Anyway, on the "telling her what I really think" topic, all I ever managed to do was to seriously step away from her for a while when the bomb dropped for me, because I really didn't think she would be able to be sympathetic and shut up long enough to listen to me, and also because I was not at all willing to hear about her WAW/OP woes...and because I didn't know how much of what I said she might pass on to my H. On that last bit, she doesn't pass through very much of her conversations with either of us to the other...maybe a little general stuff, but not much else. But she's about the only person who actually talks to us both, although that may change. I just sent out a mass email to announce that I am dropping the home phone, and most of the people who received it have heard something about my sitch, but a few haven't, and a few more haven't been updated in quite some time, and some of them were closer to H than to me. So I'm starting to get some responses, and I am replying, cautious about what I say, but not trying to hide the truth.
So, that was waaaaaay more about my friend than I intended to post, but maybe it will entertain someone. It's like listening to an ongoing soap opera with her. Maybe if I think of it as a soap opera, it will help me to detach and not get so impatient and angry when she's talking. Either that or I need to grow some guts and tell her to cut it out when I get sick of listening...although hopefully more politely than the rant above. About the only thing I get out of this is to understand just how utterly warped a MLCer is in their thinking, and how impossible it is to make them see reason, when it's not a sitch in which the outcome is vital to my life. Helps me understand just how frustrated friends of my H probably get if any of them are trying to disabuse him of his delusions.
Okay, I've written a bunch more stuff, but I think I will break this up into separate posts. This is already way too long as it is. More in a moment.
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
I would contact H regarding insurance. I can't believe that he is allowing you to be w/o insurance knowing your health issues…he must really be over the edge (of course OW can help validate those decisions for him).
Okay, here's my response to this next section of your message, AAL. (Hey, it's not nearly as long as the first one!)
Regarding discussing the insurance with H, I am hesitant to do that, because I have already talked to him about it, although not since I talked to the insurance specialist (from whom I found out that if H has insurance through his work, they are obligated to make it available to cover me too, although the company might not pay for my coverage...but that is the only way to get coverage of pre-existing conditions, like my depression). This was H's original comment, unsolicited, cut-and-pasted from one of the few emails he has sent me since he moved out:
"By the way, I have very limited benefits, being a contractor, so I was not able to cover you on Medical. I hope you're still looking into that."
When we spoke about it later, it started by me mentioning that I had to discontinue all of my meds, including my ADs, when the insurance went away because I couldn't afford them, nor the doctor visits required to accompany them, nor independent insurance (a basic policy would cost at least a quarter of what I made last year, before taxes). He got a little upset, having seen (in the past) the difference between me on functioning ADs and me unmedicated, although I seem to be managing okay right now without meds (not that he would really know how I'm doing, since he only sees me for an hour or so every six weeks). He said something like, "I'm sitting here wondering how to get you on insurance...wondering if I will get hired as a regular employee instead of a contractor, and if I could then get you covered on my insurance." He has never made it clear whether he has insurance himself or not, and I didn't know at the time of this discussion that if he does, then by law I can be covered too. It may be that he does have it for himself but just doesn't want to pay for coverage for me, and he knows perfectly well that I couldn't afford to pay for it myself. Basically, either he doesn't have coverage himself, in which case it's a moot point, or he does have it on himself but lying and telling me he can't get me on is less trouble than telling me he doesn't want to pay for my health insurance...because then he doesn't look like the bad guy, and can act all concerned that I don't have insurance. I don't know which it is, but at this point the end result is the same: I don't have insurance and have no immediate prospects for getting any.
Yes, he really is over the edge, in so many ways. And I have no idea what OW might be saying to him, but I do keep in mind that she managed to get him to co-sign on her student loan before he moved out, so he's already got one legal tie to her, while he's dropping those that he has with me. (I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't even tell his new coworkers that he's M...because, after all, in his MLC mind, he's really not [he actually told me this, as in "We haven't really been M in a long time." Um, try getting a license to M OW by telling the clerk that, why don't you?].) I'm sure he didn't plan for me to find out about the student loan co-signing, but he neglected to have the paperwork sent elsewhere or tell me to stop opening whatever came to the house addressed to him. Ah, the joys of the MLC spouse... Pthhhhht!
Stay tuned for the final installment/topic of my response...
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
I don't post much, but have been keeping tabs on you for some time. You are a wonderful writer…have you ever considered trying to write a novel or maybe a writer's group would be another GAL activity for you to participate in.
Take care, your cyber friends are praying for you!
When I read your comments about my writing abilities, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry! I know I am far too long-winded and obsessed over the exact words and phrases, and am badly in need of an editor to chop out big hunks of my overly-detailed prose...but other than that, I do okay. Thank you for the compliment!
The flip side of my reaction is that my H was always the fiction writer between us, but after he did National Novel Writing Month in November 2006, I was persuaded to join him the following year and write my very own novel. (National Novel Writing Month, a.k.a. NaNo, is a formal challenge to write at least 50,000 words [about 130-150 pages] of fiction in 30 days [the editing comes sometime later--the 30 day timeframe emphasizes quantity and "git-er-done," not quality], and has been held each November for the past 10 years; Google it if you are interested--100,000 people participated worldwide last year!) I wasn't sure I could do it, because the largest number of words of fiction I'd ever strung together prior to that had been maybe a page or two, but I was excited and spent most of the eleven months between NaNo 2006 and NaNo 2007 planning my story in the background processes of my brain. I was nervous, excited, worried, and eager. I was looking forward to discovering, in the unfolding of the process, whether I had a novel in me.
Then, nine days before we were to start writing our novels...H dropped the bomb that he was involved with OW and wasn't at all sure he wanted to stay M to me. I was just...flattened by it. All of us here know the absolute devastation one feels at that point; I don't need to describe it.
When I was able to catch my breath between crying jags, I thought there was no way I would be writing a novel in the next month, especially because I had been planning a love story, and I knew I would have to completely scrap that idea and start from scratch, because even looking at titles of romantic books or movies made me cry at that point. But at 10:30 p.m. on Halloween night, an hour and a half before the opening gun of NaNo, I commented to H that if I did NaNo I would need to have a whole new plotline, and I had no ideas (I didn't explain further, but I'm sure he got an inkling), and he suggested several general avenues to consider, and one of them fired a tiny spark in my brain. When that happened, I decided that I was going to try it. I needed a distraction from my own nightmarish life, and I thought maybe, just maybe, this would work to some extent.
I decided to just play with it, launch it and see where it took me. So at 12:01 a.m. on November 1, 2007, I started typing, with the barest germ of a plot. I wrote a little more than my daily quota before shutting down for the night. Then I continued on with the journey the next day. And the next after that. And I was astonished. It was actually...fun. Even in the midst of my agony and despair over my real life...I managed to enjoy the process of discovering what my characters were getting themselves into that day.
People who had done this before said that you didn't need to have the story all planned out beforehand, because as long as you at least had an interesting character or two, the characters would start taking over and driving the story for you. I didn't believe it...until it happened to me. It wasn't like being possessed or anything, but more like I relaxed enough to allow the characters to open a door in my brain that had always been closed every time I saw it before. I found myself saying things like, "I have no idea where _that_ came from!" and "My story insists on being 100% dialogue--I can't even write 'he said'/'she said'!" and "I thought I was writing a straight no-funny-stuff novel, and it turned into urban fantasy, and now I've got angels and benign shapeshifters coming out of nowhere, and the characters with paranormal abilities outnumber the normals!" Eventually I got to the point where the best answer to "How's the novel coming?" would be, "There's a witch under the house and everything's in color."
I got behind in the second week and didn't write at all for five days, trying to catch up on some actual paying work (when I wasn't sobbing myself sick; my real-life issues didn't improve), and I thought maybe that was the end of the novel attempt. But I was caught up in the story by then, so I forged onward, although I was woefully behind, and continued to be behind. I had hoped to keep it light and keep my real life out of it, but somewhere around week three I had just found out about some fresh horror H had perpetrated in his destruction of our M, and I couldn't push it far enough away when I was writing. So...I used it in my novel. I added it in as a new sub-plot, and had one of the characters talk about having gone through exactly what I was experiencing day by day in my RL as I wrote the novel. Some of the novel was lifted directly from the scribbled journals I was filling with my pain during this period of my life. Those are probably the best-written parts of the novel. Once I got to the end of what I had experienced thus far in my sitch...I took it farther. I took revenge. I wielded my divine authority as an author and punished where I saw fit. That was the most calorie-free fun I had for six months after the bomb--taking guilt-free vengeance for the wrongs committed against me in RL. (Heh, heh, heh!)
I got to the final week, and even though I had been pushing to make up for my earlier lapses in productivity, I was still significantly behind. I was moving along in the story--whenever I started worrying that the story would be too short to need 50,000 words, I would just come up with a new sub-plot, and voila, the end of the story would require at least another couple of thousand words--but I was nowhere near actually having written the 50,000 words. For a while I was thinking that I would just be happy with whatever number of words I wrote, even if I hadn't crossed the 50,000 bar by the deadline. I was going through the worst experience I had ever endured in my personal life, plus running my own solo business, for which the work didn't stop just because I was falling apart at the seams, and there was nobody to do the work but me; getting even part of a novel written on top of that was pretty impressive, even if I didn't get in as many words as planned.
But then my secret competitive streak kicked in, and I started writing more. I got to November 29th, 24 hours before the finish line, and I was still 12,500 words short, or a full quarter of the total (about 35 pages). I got up early (for me), and I started writing. I wrote all day. I checked my word count obsessively. I wrote more. I got a little stuck a few times, but mostly I just got out of my own way and let the words flow from my subconscious through my fingers, sometimes not even stopping in my conscious mind along the way. I wrote. And I checked my word count. And I wrote some more.
H was performing in a band thing that night, and I had said I would be there (his A notwithstanding, we were still pretending in public that everything was fine between us), so I went. That took about 3 hours, but then I hurried home and back to the keyboard. At 11:53 p.m., I took a deep breath. I had something like 50,040 words, according to my word-processing program, and I hoped that would be enough extra to ensure that the official NaNo word counter would agree that I was over the limit. I frantically churned through the steps to submit it, and waited, biting my nails, as the processor hummed and I stared at the clock in the corner of the screen. The next thing I saw was a screen saying, "WINNER!" I officially had 50,016 words, it was 11:57 p.m. on November 30th, and against all odds...I had made it under the wire. I did what I set out to do. I was very proud of myself!
The small fly in my ointment was that I had met the word count needed, but the story wasn't finished. I figured I would wrap it up in the next week, especially since I came up with a couple of new subplots the next day which I liked. Then I would let the novel cool off for a while, and then go back and edit it.
Fast-forward 17 months. I haven't looked at that story since I submitted it for the official word count that day. But I will, sooner or later. I'm not concerned. I will finish it, and later I will edit it. After that...I'm not sure. I thought it was pretty good the last time I read it through. I don't know if I will try to get it published or not. Probably the first thing I will do is let a few people read it. To this day, nobody has read it except me (unless H sneaked onto my computer and read it without my permission). He did make a pointed comment once or twice in the months following the end of that NaNo about not having gotten to read my story, and I pointed out that nobody has read it yet because it's not finished. I didn't tell him that I don't know if I will ever agree to let him read it because he's in it (under a different name, of course, but it would be quite clear to him), and the picture is not flattering. And...he might not like the fate I assigned to him.
While I was struggling through my first novel, as just described, H was doing his second bout with NaNo. For that year's NaNo (2007), he finished one full novel of 50,000 words, and half of another one. I read his finished one (I don't like to read unfinished stories; I'm too impatient to hear what happens next), and liked it, as I always do with his writing. It was a long-planned sequel to his prior year's NaNo novel, a vampire action novel/thriller, and the sequel concentrated more on the love story that was background for the original tale, which wasn't entirely fun for me to read, especially the climactic wedding scene (apparently it was weird for him to write, too, as I saw a text message he sent to OW about that...that was when I was still spying on him, but I stopped that a few months later).
The following year's NaNo (2008), I started to write another novel (one of the requirements is that you start something new, not add on to a novel that is already in progress), but I didn't have the drive I'd had the prior year, and I ran out of steam before I got even a third of the way through the 50,000. I kept thinking I might pull it through at the 11th hour again, but then H moved out on November 24th, and I just gave up on the novel. Quite honestly, I can't even remember what it was about. I haven't looked at it since. Maybe someday I will finish it.
H had again completed one novel before he moved out (par for the course for him; he finished his first novel by around November 20th all three years, the overachiever!), and completed part of a second novel before the end of the month. The next time I saw him after he moved out--a chance encounter a week later--I asked if I could read the one he had completed earlier in the month, and he said yes and sent it to me, but I have not had the courage to look at it yet, even seven months later. When I read his 2007 NaNo, the vampire love story, it was only a month after the bomb, and of course I was looking for hints of what was going on in his mind as I read the story...but I didn't find much of that nature. I think the reason I haven't read his 2008 NaNo novel yet might be tied in with whatever it is that makes me not interested in spying on him any more. I just don't really want to know. I think it is because almost every time I imagine what might be going on...it turns out to be at least that bad, and often worse, and the worst parts are the things that didn't even occur to me might be happening. So...I'm not eager to read this story of his.
* * * *
And that, boys and girls, is what happened when I considered trying to write a novel! I'm thinking a writers group might actually be an excellent GAL suggestion, and heaven knows I need more of those....
AAL, I'll bet you had no clue I could take your relatively brief note to me (which was greatly appreciated!) and expand it to a ten-page response! (Okay, I copied it into Word just to amuse myself, and it was only seven pages!)
Thank you so much for your prayers! I really, really appreciate all of them, even if they include a few regarding the possibility of my being more succinct...!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Wow Dawn, you are a very prolific writer! You may write a lot, but it is very clear and easy to follow. Congrats on the novel competition…in my next life I want to be able to write and sing (2 things that I always admire in others that I simply don’t have the talent for). I do think that joining some type of group would be esp. helpful for you. Not only a chance to meet others with a common interest, but you can bounce ideas off of them and make friends. Having other outlets would give you an option to limit your contact with your somewhat toxic friend…cause you will just be too busy. I would not cut ties with friend, but when you get stronger and in a better place, I think boundaries are necessary. I “love” people like that that bend “the rules” when the circumstances in their lives require it. She sounds a bit delusional, maybe this is the guy from her dream when she was a kid…but it was a dream not a path to follow.
So you don’t know for certain that H has medical coverage at this time? It sounds like he is at least telling you that he doesn’t have coverage…which is very likely if he is an independent contractor. I know that you have a fairly successful calligraphy business, is there any chance that you could look outside the home for employment…something that would give you benefits and almost more importantly get you out of the house and into the world. You really seem to be doing well, and I think getting out and GAL can only help your mental attitude. Does the state that you live in have spousal support/alimony? If not, you will need another source of income at some point if H decides to D.
Do you get regular exercise? I know for me getting out and walking or some type of exercise is always so good for my mental outlook…no matter how badly I don’t want to get out and do it, I always feel better afterwards.
Hang in there Dawn! I really “hear” the light coming through in your posts!
AAL, thanks for posting to me again! And thanks for the compliments!
H was always the musician in our household, and there have been lots of musical friends around (he's into community theatre, especially musicals). I play the piano, but don't like to perform or sing.
I will keep an eye out for writing-related groups; that is a good idea. I'm also going to bite the bullet and tell my friend that certain topics are off-limits for discussion.
I don't have a clue if H actually has medical insurance or not. He didn't really imply either way, but even if he had, I no longer trust him to tell me the truth even about the color of the sky. I suspect that he does have insurance, because I think if he didn't he would have said so to point out that I have no right to be upset with him for not putting me on. But who really knows??
You are the second person in 24 hours to suggest that I find an outside job. (H has been agitating for it off and on for years, especially when money has been tight...one of his big complaints has been my lack of financial contribution to the household.) I don't know if I should take that as a divine push to get a job or an indication that I need to be more serious about making money from my business. I have been listening to a lot of free teleseminars lately on business and prosperity and law of attraction and such. Now I need to put the rubber to the road. I am hoping I can work those things to the point that I don't need his income, and then some. I have no idea whether my state (Missouri) has alimony; no lawyers have been involved in my sitch (at least, as far as I know).
I am normally a very dedicated exerciser. I lift heavy weights, I bike a lot (20 miles is a minimum length for a day), I walk, I swim (if I don't get in at least a mile, it seems hardly worth getting in the pool)...but I have slacked off a lot in the last few weeks. I especially like walking and biking, but I always used to do those with my H, so I have had some trouble continuing (because of the emotional factors) since he stopped doing those things with me. And I've been tearing my hair out over the pool liner, so obviously I'm not swimming. I need to get back to my exercise.
I am turning 43 today, and I can't quite figure out what to do with myself for the occasion. I find myself moderately disturbed at the thought that I may be spending my birthday completely alone, for the first time in my life. I have the ingredients for homemade ice cream, a favorite that I haven't made since before the bomb, so maybe that will be what I do. But if I eat it all alone...what does that say about me? I'm told that one of the things that always happened on my birthdays when I was very young was that my father would come home from work that day and make ice cream for me (and for whoever was around to celebrate). I'm told that he was an especially good ice-cream maker. He died suddenly when I was seven years old, and my mother took over the ice-cream-making duties (and everything else) from that point on.
Thanks for all your kind and supportive comments! I welcome further comments...from anyone!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Maybe you could invite your kooky friend over for ice-cream. Try not to spend your birthday alone, but hugs from your virtual friends!
Glad to know you are an avid exerciser...another thought, esp. for summer and fall. Look for a hiking group or a cycling group ride to join. Often you can find these through a park district or bike shop. I really think getting out and getting to know others with similar interests who know neither you nor your H would help you build your confidence and would be great GAL activities. Plus finding others to join would help you get over that it was an activity you did with H.
Be strong and Happy 43rd Birthday!
BTW - I never got to this point, but from reading others, it might not hurt to have a consult with an attorney. They usually offer an hour of free consult. Knowledge is power and it doesn't hurt to know your rights and what you are entitled to.
Have your ice cream, even if no one is there! What does it say about you? It says that you are a survivor, and that while you might prefer there was someone there to celebrate with you, you are ok on your own! Turn it into a positive!
Have the ice cream girl! A little brownie along with it too!
Regarding the pool, do you have homeowner's insurance? Could any of the damage have been caused by debris from a storm or did the cover probably negate that possibility?
I really don't know what to say about the rest of the sitch. I'm not a good one to ask, but I can tell you that hanging on to 'dead weight' does you no favors. I do believe, based on biblical references, that D is permitted in God's eyes when your S has been unfaithful. That was a huge comfort to me because I don't believe in D in general. However, God does expect us to attempt reconcilliation at some level - not necessarily the recovery of the M, but in the guise of a level of friendship and forgiveness.
Ok, enough said on that, I'm not trying to change your mind or advocate D. Just sharing my POV.
Your friend is a complete hypocrite, I'm so sorry that this toxic R with her is so prevelent in your life. She definitely has no business making any kind of intercession between you and your H or suggesting anything to him. She has been involved in, at the very least, an EA for years with an admitted bi-sexual (excuse me, but if she is so 'religious' then she has to believe that is wrong in God's eyes) and has been systematically destroying her M. Do you honestly want someone with that history to be talking to your H about his 'need' for some kind of additional M counseling? YUCK! Does your H know about her EA?
I have a question....with the financial situation you find yourself in, why haven't you taken an outside job? It won't stop you from doing your art, but it could help your bottom line.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I just thought I'd stop by and say hello. Happy Belated Birthday! What did you decide to do in the end? Ice cream or no ice cream? I hope you had a big tub of ice cream and then washed it down with another- birthdays only come once a year, after all!
I like the advice about looking for some outside work yourself. I think it would help on two fronts- firstly getting you into a regular pattern of speaking to people. You seem very self-sufficient, but I know how much of a difference it makes to me to be able to go somewhere every day and see the same people (even though we barely speak). The small daily interactions can be great. Secondly (I know nothing about American healthcare), there might be insurance with a job? I have no clue about that though. No need for health insurance is a big advantage of living in England.
In relation to H, I don't have much to say- you know the drill.... MLC all the way. When he gets to the other side he probably won't remember being the way he is. I think all you can do is be a friend if he needs one and focus on you while he works his way through it. You've probably heard that a million times. Sorry
(Okay, I copied it into Word just to amuse myself, and it was only seven pages!)