Can it get any worse?

[glamgirl]

Trust me I am not naieve here. I am not letting my guard down or believing everything my h is saying. What I am saying is reality has set in. Now the situation is what it is. I cannot change whatever the results are. I can only accept them. Doesn't mean I have to accept my h and put up with this poor judgment. All I can do is accept the situation as it unfolds.

Could be postive or negative for the test. Either way not MY issue. I didn't create this nor is it my job to mop this mess up. I can only allow my h to handle this the way he wants to.

I had my meltdown over the weekend, but stepping back from the situation I can see more clearly now. I could sit here and be angry, judgemental, and be fueled by hate but not where I want to be in life.

I just need to focus on what I can control. I can control what and who is in my future. Not sure if that will include my h. I let him know today decisions will be made for us in the near future. I am ok letting my h go, he is not what I want in a husband right now anyway. Yes, we have come a long way and this was yet another set-back, but in the whole grand scheme of things life is very short. I have waited patiently for my h and loved him unconditionally, but time changes how you feel about someone. Doesn't mean I don't love my h, but I have come to realize he probably wasn't going to return anyway. Doesn't want to make that committment to me and the kids. If he needs more than 3 years then I am not that worth it to him.

If the test is positive, what does that say about my h, about ow, about the lack of respect for me and our children from h. He will only find some way to twist the situation to his favor. Like I was not a good wife etc., instead of addressing himself and his poor behavior. He will find some way to blame me.

It's ok. I am ok. I will make it through regardless. I love my h, but now it's time for him to show me if he really loves me and is he ready to really make a committment. Our future has already been decided. We both know where our lives are headed.

I am not afraid anymore of whatever comes my way. God gave me the strength to deal with the news that was so abruptly bestowed upon me over the weekend. I feel I can handle anything. Yes I am praying for a negative, but reality tells me that is probably not going to happen, so I have to prepare my mind in advance.

Not sure if any of this makes sense, but regardless of the outcome I also had to face that my h probably is never coming home and I have to make decisions for where my life needs to go too.

I am proud of myself. I stood firm and made a decision in the best interest of myself and our kids. I have a peace and calm over my mind now. Praise God for allowing me to see another perspective on this situation.

I just prayed and prayed and today God has shown me I can either worry about the results or live my life to the fullest regardless, because in the whole grand scheme of life I can't change those results. I will have to live with whatever the outcome is.

Thanks to all for posting and praying. All your prayers and posts helped me through this most difficult time in my life.

Trust me I want the results to be negative, but I am a realist too.