well not much happened this weekend with W, which is ok with me
had a great weekend at work which i'm pretty stoked about, i needed it. got the garden about 75% weeded, plan on doing a little more tomorrow; and i finally cleaned out the refridgerator, lol it was disgusting! looks like new now, tho
Got a couple good workouts in and went for a long walk, caught up with the laundry and dishes.
Didn't hear from W yesterday, and i fully didn't expect to, so no biggie there. she texted me earlier today saying, "hey what are you doing?" i just replied after awhile, "hey you what's up?" lol no response.
she texted me later tonite asking if i knew some phone number, and replied "hmmm dont know." about an hour later she said she figured it out and asked again what i was doing. i just said, "doing good :)" she texted back "cool" and that's the last i've heard from her.
i'll admit i was slightly bummed she didn't call, as i'm pulling out the "i'm not ready for you to come back home" line on her. i actually have a couple things lined up for her, (THANK YOU SANDI!!)
here's what else i got,
we both have areas and things we need to work on and you really don't even know what you want right now.
along with,
I want you to be faithful and stop running in and out of this relationship. If you're not ready to be faithful and honest, i'm not ready for you to come back.
i've been practicing saying this to myself throughout the day, so i don't freeze up when the time comes, and i'm sure it will eventually.
one more thing, puppy if you read this, do you have any ideas on establishing relevant consequences for my boundaries? i've thought of some but i'm still a bit lost in this regard....
thanks for reading everyone, you're all in my prayers.
one more thing, puppy if you read this, do you have any ideas on establishing relevant consequences for my boundaries? i've thought of some but i'm still a bit lost in this regard....
Go back and read what Sandi suggested to you. Those were perfect.
i texted W and told her i'm mailing the last of her stuff here at my house to her grandma's house. i asked for the address and said if she didn't give it to me i can call her mom or grandma and ask for it. she replied back asking if i can't wait until july 7th as she'll be back in town for an appointment.
i said no, i will just call and ask them then tomorrow. no response, which is fine. i'm not waiting around for anyone anymore. my time and space is more valuable to me then that. i'm taking back full 100% control of my life.
i truly am fed up and done with this entire sitch. i firmly believe she is not coming back anymore and i am completely moving on. i am letting go, not just of the rope, but of all feelings i have for her. there is no disdain or hate for her, but the W i knew is gone and buried. she died June 6th. that woman is never coming back. it's ironic because my grandfather died in april and he was the first person in my immediate family to die in 31 years. i never knew loss like that before. and just like i know he isn't coming back, i know my W isn't either.
i just came home from a 30 min walk and came to fully understand this and came to grips with it. i know i'll miss her everyday, but the hope of her returning is gone and so are any more of my efforts or thoughts about it happening. I miss her and love that woman, but she is no more.
my prayers are with all of you. May God never stop helping you everyday in your current sitch. He helped me through so much in such a short period of time. I owe Him my life and sanity. May He never stop helping me in mine either.
Thank you puppy, sandi, stuck, kimmie, and everyone else who took time out of their day to take a glimpse into mine. You are all special people and saying thanks really isn't enough. you are all angels and please don't stop helping others. you do so much good and sometimes it might not feel like there's any immediate benefit to you, but know that your words are like pillars propping up people whose lives are falling apart at the seams. I could never repay for what you have all done. Thank you.
why is it everytime i post on here, not an hour goes by that my W contacts me.
W called and asked why i can't wait until the 7th to just give her her stuff. i said i've waited 3 weeks for her to get her stuff and that is enough. i said i feel like it would be best if i just sent it to her grandma's as she then would know where it's at and can get it when she needs it. she said if i want her out of my life that badly she'll come in the morning and get it. i said if you're not here by noon i'm mailing it off.
she started to say how little she must mean to me that i'm just going ahead and doing this, and she never really mattered to me and that i never cared. I stopped her in her tracks and said i always cared and there wasn't ever a time that i didn't. I said i'm not the one who left and gave up.
she tried starting an arguement with me about the past R, and i told her i'm not arguing about anything with her. she said she wasn't trying to argue and i said it sure feels like it.
she also said that i need to get my stuff from her, and i said i have everything i need here and what i don't have is all replaceable. she took serious offense to that comment, and said your grandmothers baby blanket she made you is replaceable? and i answered i'll have someone else make me a baby's blanket if i feel i ever need one again. then she implied that she was always replaceable in the R and i said again i'm not getting into this with her.
she then told me she'll be here in the morning and i replied "alright bye." i could tell by her pause she was shocked that i ended the conversation like i did, and i could here her say goodbye as i slid my phone closed on her.
she said some other things i can't specifically remember right now as it was 7 minutes of me telling her i'm not going to argue with her, and that i'm moving on with my life and just letting all of this go. she didn't want to seem to except it and kept wanting to bring old stuff up that wasn't true. she even stopped herself once and said "i take that back i know you loved me" at one point in the conversation. i wasn't going to try and reason with her, but i stood firm on what i said and what i was going to do with her.
i so did NOT let her draw me into an arguement with her. she was angry with me, and i said something about it, and i think that's when she made a commet about me just not caring. i only said "i always cared and was never the one who left this R." she brought up how i made mistakes in the past and i said I take full responsibility for my actions, although i realize now how wrong i was at the time i made them. No apologies, just an admission of me knowing i was wrong then.
it felt so good to be in control of my feelings and emotions with her. I refused to rehash old garbage. she even brought up how she wasted her life with me and i said firmly i never wasted anything and i don't regret ever feeling the way i did for the woman i loved. she paused on that one...
If you're waiting "to see what happens in the morning," then you have NOT really moved on (not that I thought for a moment that you did).
JR, you seem to have a pattern of passive-aggressiveness, swinging wildly from passive/pleasing/enabling behavior where you do NOTHING, to just telling her "that's it -- I'm done -- we're thru."
I would suggest to you that there is a "third way" -- the way of DBing -- a middle way where you lovingly detach, set and enforce healthy boundaries, and work on yourself thru 180s and GAL etc.
I'm not seeing where you ever REALLY did that, not for any length of time really.
You can "give up" if you want to, but I'd suggest rather than giving up, you "drop the rope." Dropping the rope does NOT mean giving up. Go back and re-read about it in DB or DR book.
If you're waiting "to see what happens in the morning," then you have NOT really moved on (not that I thought for a moment that you did).
JR, you seem to have a pattern of passive-aggressiveness, swinging wildly from passive/pleasing/enabling behavior where you do NOTHING, to just telling her "that's it -- I'm done -- we're thru."
I would suggest to you that there is a "third way" -- the way of DBing -- a middle way where you lovingly detach, set and enforce healthy boundaries, and work on yourself thru 180s and GAL etc.
I'm not seeing where you ever REALLY did that, not for any length of time really.
You can "give up" if you want to, but I'd suggest rather than giving up, you "drop the rope." Dropping the rope does NOT mean giving up. Go back and re-read about it in DB or DR book.
Puppy
Puppy, that was probably the most profound thing anyone has ever said to me. It actually made me break down and cry. Thank You. i have alot to think about now and i'm putting everything i was going to do on hold.
very tense for her, i could tell. she tried not to make eye contact unless we were speaking. she only stood in the doorway while she was here for less then 5 minutes. she gave me two hugs.
lol i was so strong and honestly so happy to see her. she said at one point don't cry, i laughed and said i'm not feeling any emotions like that at all right now. i'm just happy to see you and the dog. i asked her a couple quick financial business questions i had already thought of, and we agreed on it both very quickly. she even offered a quick solution to one which i happily agreed to.
i know it was so hard on her. it honestly was way harder for her then it was for me, imho. i had tears in my eyes after she left, mainly for seeing one my dogs after 3 weeks. i don't think i'll be as lonely here now, but it sure is a reminder of her at this moment.
i've been doing a ton of reading on passive agressive behavior today, and feel i have a bit of it, and rather my W has the huge majority of it. actually, PA's are attracted to codependents and i think we ended up rubbing off on each other over the years.
i didn't really expect much from this initial meeting. she had said earlier on the phone she wouldn't stay long or really come in the house. i asked why since she's driving 5 hours to get here. she said she knew what would happen if she did? and she said she would break down. i could see her fighting that when she was here.
puppy thank you for opening my eyes to a situation i've been completely blind to. my level of understanding just went up 3 notches on my never-ending ladder of life-learning.
knowing that she is passive aggressive actually gives me an insight to how she feels in general. it also gives me caution and awareness now when i interact with her. i have a completely diffferent outlook on this whole situation. i'm not saying it's a good one, but definately different then 24 hours ago...
should i wait for her to contact? probably yes. i do want to thank her for bringing our shih-tzu home. i'll just do it when/if she contacts me again.
i forgot to mention we had an in depth conversation this morning AFTER i learned a little about PA behavior. i didn't say anything about it, but it helped me talk to her in a different way then i have ever in the past. it seemed to help the sitch from where it was last nite... i'm not trying to read too much into it, but i know i'm doing it more then i should. this is so hard right now..... i feel like i'm starting COMPLETELY OVER!
any well wishers or flaw pointer outers would be great right now... i'm starting to lose it all over again... what should i do or what should happen next?
any well wishers or flaw pointer outers would be great right now... i'm starting to lose it all over again... what should i do or what should happen next?
Wait her out. Let her contact you. Drop off the face of the earth. Whatever amount of time it takes, wait until SHE contacts you. Let HER wonder what is up with you for a change.
Did I lose him? Have I gone too far? Why hasn't he called?
That can only be done by leaving her alone and letting her FEEL that you are out of the picture... This is when women get their wake up call. AFTER the man lets go. Not before he lets go and not while he is trying to win her love. She needs to see a strong man who is moving on down the road.....
Be that man...
In the meantime go out and have the time of your life. Enjoy friends, hobby's and life... Wear the same underwear for three days straight if you want to. Watch sports 24-7.
Be selfish and do what YOU want to do.. (except pine for her or call her)
In other words.. Focus on being a happy man. Women are attracted to happy men, confident men, men who do not chase them when they want out.......
Quote:
what should i do or what should happen next?
IF you follow this advice she will call you at some point down the road with a lame excuse JUST to see if you are STILL waiting for her.
Fool her.. Don't be her safety net. She needs to chase YOU for awhile... It works better that way for you.
she actually just texted me and said "thank you for today" lol. i replied back thank you also and for bringing hurley(dog) here. she said no prob and then texted to take care of her baby. i said i will and she's welcome to call when she has free time. she said she will.
ahhhh! too much stress. i just called a friend and i need to get out of this house for awhile. I'm leaving hurley in charge here, but i feel horible for leaving him here all alone after he just got here. i will take him for a walk later tonite, when it cools off. i really need an escape right now. way too much stress
any well wishers or flaw pointer outers would be great right now... i'm starting to lose it all over again... what should i do or what should happen next?
Wait her out. Let her contact you. Drop off the face of the earth. Whatever amount of time it takes, wait until SHE contacts you. Let HER wonder what is up with you for a change.
Did I lose him? Have I gone too far? Why hasn't he called?
That can only be done by leaving her alone and letting her FEEL that you are out of the picture... This is when women get their wake up call. AFTER the man lets go. Not before he lets go and not while he is trying to win her love. She needs to see a strong man who is moving on down the road.....
Be that man...
In the meantime go out and have the time of your life. Enjoy friends, hobby's and life... Wear the same underwear for three days straight if you want to. Watch sports 24-7.
Be selfish and do what YOU want to do.. (except pine for her or call her)
In other words.. Focus on being a happy man. Women are attracted to happy men, confident men, men who do not chase them when they want out.......
Quote:
what should i do or what should happen next?
IF you follow this advice she will call you at some point down the road with a lame excuse JUST to see if you are STILL waiting for her.
Fool her.. Don't be her safety net. She needs to chase YOU for awhile... It works better that way for you.
thank you gucci for the pick me up.
i am getting outta here for a lil while. i let her text last and i'm leaving it at that. go dark til next time she contacts. time to get my @ss in gear around here again. what a freaking rollercoaster.
the more i read it ssems i understand everything better. i always feel more at peace and free after i get done satisfying my thirst for knowledge. alright, time to change clothes and leave
