WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

I know I'm going to get 2x4's with this one, but remember, I am a DAM.

My wife called tonite about 45 minutes after the kids normally go to bed. We talked for about an hour.

It started with some tactical stuff about our 7 year old's first week of camp. Then she asked about the custody agreement that her lawyer sent me a couple of weeks ago.

I told her that I hadn't had a chance to really look at it, but remember that the first right of refusal wasn't in there so I asked if that was a problem for her. She said no. Then she asked if there was anything else wrong with it. I told her that I really hadn't looked at it. Then she started get frustrated and yelling about why didn't I look at it yet or tell her that there was a problem.

I told her that I got it the day I lost my job so she really expect me to look at it back then? She said no.

Then I told her that right now, we've been working together with the kids and until I know what my job situation is, I really can't say for sure what type of custody agreement will work. Nevertheless, I wanted to get my lawyer friend to look at it before I signed anything

Then she started getting upset about how she hadn't been able to get anywhere with the the divorce and saying that she needed me to go over the document so she can make some progress.

I stopped her and said that she has already made the biggest progress in the divorce already, she had moved out and left me and that had really hurt all of us. Right now, the only thing missing from the divorce is the legal status and that is on a clearly defined time line in 18 months.

I then told her that I don't know what else she really wants as right now she has done everything that she has wanted. She moved out and we have joint custody of the kids. If that's not making her happy, then she really has to think about that.

She then started to cry and went on about how she sees how much I've changed and how we can be such good friends as I'm someone special in her life, but she just can't see being married to me anymore.

I cut her off saying that a divorce is not what I want but I can't see being friends with the woman I love and not being able to show her that. She said that a divorce isn't what she wanted in life, but she does see being married to me as a good choice either. She just wants to end the chapter of us being married to stop her hurt.

I told her that if that's how she chooses to feel, then there is nothing I say that will convince her, just as nothing she says or do can really change how I choose to feel. Right now, I still feel towards her like I had back when I first fell in love with her (we talked about the first time we said I love you to each other).

She continued to cry as she said that she feels that most of our married life together we were like really good roommates but that I didn't make her feel special or important to me. She said that it was over the last couple of years she had really reached her limit that she couldn't stand it anymore.

That's when I slipped into some real pursuing behavior, I told her that she was always special and important to me. I may not have shown her the way she wanted to and it hurt her but I've appologized for all that already and am learning from it. I reminded her that I'm just a DAM and can't read minds, but have really spent a lot of time looking back to understand what I need to do differently. I am using that to make me a better person for me and the boys. Even with all the hurt, I still want her to be part of that life.

I've been trying to give her the time and space that she had asked for to heal her hurt and if there was anything that she needed to help her heal, to let me know.

I then went on talking about several special moments in our lives where I had really felt connected with her. She kept crying and sobbing. One of the times we talked about was the nite I proposed to her. She had stopped wearing her rings about 3 years ago because they got too big to fit on her fingers after our second son was born. She wore some fake silver ones in place of them. I asked her that if she had some time, to try to put them back on just to see how they feel and just let me know.

I then went on about how we can spend the next 18 months in limbo or we could spend it seeing what kind of relationship we could develop. She said that she doesn't want to give me any false hope.

I told her that it's not about hope, but more of giving us a chance. I said that it will take time for us to truly know where this path will lead us. All relationships/marriages take work by both people. I know I can't make her try but we won't know until we both try. That's not just us spending one on one time together occassionally, but by her moving back home so we can really try together.

So the spending the time together can be time where we can see if each of us are someone we want to try with.

She had still been crying that entire time so I told her that it was getting really late so I don't want her to be too tired in the morning nor get her stomach upset again so I said good nite and I told her that I still love her.

She just kept crying and sneaked out a good nite as she hung up.

OK,so let the 2x4's fly.....