Looking For Help

[Looking_For_Help]

Hey GIMA,

Thanks for your reply. This is probably one of my worst days in about 4 weeks. I guess it's all about my wife's solo vacation.

When my W first dropped the D bomb ~3 months ago, I said all of the wrong things during those first few weeks. Today, my W brought up one of my previous statements (Who's going to want someone with kids?). I know, I'm ashamed of what I said...I was panicking back then. It seems like this one statement is forever marked in her head. Today, when she said she was travelling on her vacation by herself, she repeated my statement with sarcasm.

It's as if she already has someone waiting for her on the cruise or she's about to prove that she's still got it. Maybe she's just screwing with my head. Either way, it hurts and I deserve it. She also stated today with sarcasm that "no, I'm not out screwing our entire city." Now, the tone of this conversation this evening was actually much more pleasant that it appears. And much of her responses were unprovoked by me. I did ask if she was travelling by herself while we were discussing our respective vacations...this is what started this conversation. I really need to detach. I'm definitely hurting my cause.

I have this wierd feeling that once this is all said and done...my W is going to deeply regret that this separation ever happend. Not now of course b/c it seems she's happy with her decision...but some day. I am not as bad as she's painting me out to be. The damage and hurt this is causing my heart may be irreparable. One day, she's going to see that I was a great guy who simply lost his way.

GIMA..you are correct..I need to let it go and have faith in God that this will work out just fine. God hates divorce...those who pursue divorce will have their soul convicted. At least that's what is says in the Bible. I know my soul is currently being convicted for not being a better husband for my W.

Thanks...LFH

[Looking_For_Help]

Thank you Hopeful for your reply. It's nice people like yourself that makes me thankful for finding this website.

I'm going to use your 180 Monday night or Tuesday morning, whenever the timing is appropriate. It appears that we all have an early flight Tuesday morning.

Thanks,
LFH

[sandi2]

If I understand correctly, this means that the LBS has no chance in saving the marriage until they do detach. It's in the best interest of the LBS to detach as quickly as possible. Is this really true? As a former WAW, what's your perspective? At what point does the WAS want or begin to save the marriage...Does this happen slowly over time or is it a quick 2x4 wake-up?

Pursuing never works when you have a WAW, IMHO. Even with her being co-dependent, it doesn't work b/c she keeps playing the "game" with you and I don't think it will stop until "you" put an end to it by dropping the rope. It gets confusing for a lot of newcomers b/c of the different techniques that a LBS can use. In every technique, however, detaching is a must! Even if a LBS is trying to approach her as her "friend", he must be detached emotionally and not get caught up in her "web".

As far as answering your question about "what point does the WAW want to save the marriage"......that is very hard to say. I personally think that is takes time and maybe a series of things that happen to impact her. For example, when my H told me the day after the big bomb hit, that he would not be my "friend" if I left the M. That shocked me b/c I realized that I would lose him completely....in every way. It is little things like that that build on each other until finally she begins to see her "fantasy" fall apart. It was extremely hard for me to make the decision to stay here and "work" on the M b/c I was very resentful. I was not financially able to support myself, so it was like I was forced to stay here at the house. The R between me and H was very strained. I continued to contact OM for a long time, but finally began to see the "thrill" fade and I slowly began to come out of the "fog" and able to think rationally. That was when I decided to give up the OM and to focus on building a life with my H. Yes, it takes time. I do believe a WAW can be hit with 2x4 shocks, but it still takes that "time" for it to sink in and finally, slowly wake her up.

I have heard a couple of stories where the WAW was so shocked at her LBH dropping the rope and moving on with his life, that it was successful in waking her up.

I don't know that your wife can be "woke up"....as much as she needs stucture and guidance and a lot of maturing. I don't see her changing over night and becoming a mature and rational thinking adult. I think that will take time. But, she could do that while M to you and living with you. I just don't think she's had enough time to discover and experience "life" as a single. That seems to be what she is seeking. The single life will not be what she needs, and I pray she will not get attached to OM and do something crazy.

Talk to you later,
Sandi

[givingitmyall]

LFH,

NO ONE ON THESE BOARDS deserves to go through what we are going through. We are the ones fighting the good fight.

Cut yourself some slack. You (oh, and everyone) made some mistakes. Do they justify what your W is doing? No. Own your half of the reason your M is where it is, but there is another half out there. If your W is anything like mine (and being a WAW, I suspect she is), she probably has not fessed up to her part in this.

I know exactly how you feel. This all is the worst experience of my life to date - and I have had some pretty bad ones. But, you will make it through this no matter what.

I rationalized it this way. I beleieve in God. I do not believe God intends me to be alone for the rest of my life. Since that is the case, then He has someone out there who needs me more than my W. Maybe it's the new and improved version of my W. Maybe it is someone different. But either way, I know I will be happier in the long run. Just think about that for a minute.

And yes, one day, your W (assuming the worst) will realize what a terrible mistake she has made. I know mine will too. Whether they chose to admit it is another issue. But that really isn't the point. If you can let that, and all your W's other feelings/actions go, then they have no power over you. That does not mean you are suddenly healed from all the pain. It means you can handle the pain better each time it comes up. And that will make that pain less severe.

This really is about consciously making yourself think a different way. But, I promise it will make all of this easier to handle.

Hang in there man. And, yes, you are entitled to some bad days. It really is ok.

[Looking_For_Help]

Thank you Sandi for your reply. I was hoping to hear from you soon again.

I think you nailed it on the head...my W is experimenting with "single life"...she's going on a cruise by herself. My golfing buddy's wife did the same thing to him by experimenting with the "single life". She soon realized that the "single life" was boring and began working on their marriage.

On another note, the other day when I came back from church and dinner (yesterday), I saw my W on the couch reading a novel while the kids were playing by themselves. Today at lunchtime, she was reading this novel at the table while the kids had the TV on. All weekend this damn book. I said "not in my house...it's lunchtime and there will be no distractions from family time." I turned off the TV and had W put down her stupid book. Did I say I was ticked off?

Everyone is right...I have to detach as quickly as possible. I don't understand how I can be soooo strong one minute and be soooo weak (stupid) another minute. Can we say rollercoaster ride? I do recognize that I get more respect from my wife when I'm firm and resolute. I need to keeping following that script, but doing so in a loving manner. If I truly detach, is it possible to re-attach?

I can't wait for my vacation to start! The itinerary is full!

Thanks Sandi,
LFH

[Looking_For_Help]

GIMA,

Thank you for the 2 x 4. My pity party is over! Thanks to you, Sandi, and Hopeful...I'm re-energized with hope and resolution...at least for the moment. It's amazing how emotions can turn on a dime.

I love your quote: "He has someone out there who needs me more than my W." My mother said something like this to me before. She prays like Sister Theresa. The other day, she told me that her prayers have changed from "saving my marriage" to "my son finding happiness"...we both shared tears over this re-direction. I am really looking forward to seeing her on Tuesday!

Again...our situations are so similar...we're going to have to support each other during the dark times and celebrate our successes. I'm lucky to have found this website!

Thanks,
LFH

[Done in VA]

I know I am new on this thread but STOP STOP STOP saying ANYTHING that is driving your W further away! You have worked too HARD to let things like this ruin it (I know you are human & I'm not trying to be hard on you - plus I don't think you would be starting back to square one):
not in my house...it's lunchtime and there will be no distractions from family time." I turned off the TV and had W put down her stupid book. Did I say I was ticked off?

Everytime you feel this way say to yourself - I have been busting my butt to be DIFFERENT for months (or however long it's been) to have ONE SENTENCE set me back! Everytime I want to be mad at H, I imagine this whiney little teenage voice saying - SEE, I TOLD YOU, YOU COULD NEVER CHANGE! And I REFUSE to let him CONTROL my mood. You are the strong one. WAS are not strong - that is why they would rather focus on a NEW LIFE. Reality is too hard. Stay strong & bridge the gap.

Detaching takes a lightbulb moment. And it still takes practice. Please read my thread entitled I hate my Husband. I don't know if it will help, but I documented my lightbulb moment as best I could.

If you are asking if it is possible to re-attach...you don't understand detachment. I didn't either...I asked the same thing at first. The best way I can describe it is to think back to how I felt towards my parents as a teenager. That is where your wife is at. My parents could have told me they went through the same things in life when they were teenagers...and given me ALL the words of wisdom they had, they could have talked until they were blue in the face, BUT I HAD TO GET IT ON MY OWN!!! I had to experience life for myself. When your parents told you that a relationship you were in was bad & they had been there themselves...what did you think? I can tell you what I thought. Oh no, not me - MY SITUATION IS DIFFERENT! WAS are exactly the same.

Now think of WAS as a teenager...YOUR teenager. You don't love them any less because you realize they have to become the person they need to be & make these life discoveries on their own...detachment is unconditional love at it's best. It's loving someone enough to allow them to "get it" themselves. That's why you don't have to re-attach.

Wow - trying to put this into words is hard. I really hope I don't sound condescending or belittling at all. I just want to help.

[Looking_For_Help]

Hello Hopeful,

Thank you for your response. No offense taken here. All suggestions are welcome.

Quote: not in my house...it's lunchtime and there will be no distractions from family time." I turned off the TV and had W put down her stupid book. Did I say I was ticked off?

Hopeful...this is a 180 for me. I always permitted my kids to watch TV during meals while I read the newspaper...much to my wife's dismay. As soon as I made my statement today , my W and kids engaged as a family. It actually worked! It's what my W and kids needed. You see, my W disrespects me when I'm weak. When I confident and resolute, she begins to act like an adult and not a teenager. I didn't yell, but was firm.

Quote: Everytime you feel this way say to yourself - I have been busting my butt to be DIFFERENT for months (or however long it's been) to have ONE SENTENCE set me back! Everytime I want to be mad at H, I imagine this whiney little teenage voice saying - SEE, I TOLD YOU, YOU COULD NEVER CHANGE! And I REFUSE to let him CONTROL my mood. You are the strong one. WAS are not strong - that is why they would rather focus on a NEW LIFE. Reality is too hard. Stay strong & bridge the gap.

Great advice here Hopeful...I love it. The "you will never change" was thrown in my face after the D bomb. I believe she's starting to realize that I can and am. I am very determined to become an excellent individual.

Quote: Now think of WAS as a teenager...YOUR teenager. You don't love them any less because you realize they have to become the person they need to be & make these life discoveries on their own...detachment is unconditional love at it's best.

Hopeful...I love your analogy here. No one has ever put it this way with the teenager analogy.

Thank you for your post,
LFH

[Done in VA]

I get what you mean about your 180 - that's where it's different between WAH & WAW. In my sitch, I was more like the H. So I am always worried about being controlling wheras your sitch is the opposite.

Once you "get" detachment, it's almost like your blinders come off. You will read other people's posts & immediately know where they "are at" because they will talk about what "they did" and how "WAS" responds. Once you truly detach...it doesn't matter how WAS responds anymore, it's ALL ABOUT YOU & KNOWING you made your changes & responded appropriately.

[Looking_For_Help]

GIMA,

Again, thanks for your post last night. I read it again this morning for inspiration. Today is my birthday (38 now) and I didn't get a single "happy birthday" this morning...not that I was expecting sincerity from W, but atleast she could have told my two young ones. My W completely forgot my birthday last year. That's o.k. for tomorrow I'll be celebrating with people who love me.

You see, I have been suffering for a long time in this relationship. I've been unhappy and sometimes I think that this situation is actually a blessing in disguise. It's painful for a family to break up, I know, but I truly wonder if it's in my best long term interest to be with someone else who can treat me like #1. I don't want to be selfish and not consider the kids, but I believe I'm fooling myself that there can be a "happily ever after" with this stranger called my W. Most of my energy is zapped...I'm getting very close to my breaking point.

My W is very far from changing into a person I want to share the rest of my life with. I know she's thinking the same way about me. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, rather a "new life" for me is sounding better each and every day. Either my vacation will re-energize my will power to save my marriage or it will solidify my thoughts of filing for a divorce when I return. We'll see next week.

Either way, I will continue down this path I started in becoming the best person I can be. Maybe I'm moving closer to detachment, but it certainly doesn't feel like it. I used to be such a happy person before I got married and it seems like this marriage slowly sucked the PMA out of me over the years. Maybe this is what the W is thinking as well.

Anyways, thanks for your support and I'll write later today.

Thanks,
LFH